Sunday, November 29, 2009

500 Days Of Bullshit

Ok…so this blog is going to end up being about sex…maybe some thoughts on the concept of love…but first…

I cleaned house today…yeah…its ummm been awhile. However my bathroom is now nice and sparkly and my bedroom is entirely picked up, the bed is even made.

I also just finished watching two films. Nine (the animated one) and 500 Days of Summer. I really wish I had watched the latter when everyone was talking about it on Pajiba. Wait for it…you’ll see why.

Nine I liked. If not for the visual quality I liked it for the simple story line. There was nothing too overtly complex in it and overall it was just a decent film. The ending however. What the fuck is supposed to happen? Are there some humans still alive? I can see the concept of new life beginning by the rain coming but what new life is there?

500 Days of Summer…hrmmm. How did I fell about that one? Bullshit. Straight up cough syrup bullshit. Now I suppose the best way to go about this is to diagram it a little bit for you so I don’t end up writing an article that could rival the Pajiban Morton.

The Good:
---Penis shouting scene in the park. Why? Because I found it rather charming and unique. It was cute. Something I could actually see myself doing. Which isn’t to say I might not have already done this.
---Vagiant the title of the fake movie. When they go to see the movie and it says “Half Vampire-Half Giant…Vagiant“ That’s like the greatest fucking movie title…like ever.
---When he goes off at the office meeting. I liked it because who wouldn’t want to do that at their job? While this scene was also quite predictable, I felt it would have worked better if they used that Expectation/Reality thing here. I.E. what he really wanted to do and what he ended up doing. Why? Because with this fucking economy who is really just going to up and quit their job.
---Tennis ball transition into the song. I really liked that. I even went “That’s cool” out loud as I was watching it by myself.

If you can’t tell. The beginning of these sentences are my notes that I took during the film.

The Bad:
---Cliché first time having sex dance number…complete with cartoon blue bird? Really?
Really? Do I even have to describe how balls fucking shit retarded that was? Not to even mention unnecessary. Stereotypical (oh look how happy I am, I just got laid!). And just fucking…modern.
---The staring at the phone and debating to call scene. Again. Typical. What do most movies show after a breakup. Person holding the phone. Walking around debating to call. Can’t sleep. Here’s a thought. Have them fucking go to bed and then call them in the morning when they have a fresh perspective asshat.
---Punching the douche bag at the bar. Oh look, guys over there insulting you and your girl whatcha gonna do? Oh right, man up and punch him in the face. What’s gonna happen? Oh right, the little fucking hipster chick is going to get upset at you for being all manly. Pffft. Blow me.
---Spilling his guts to the hot chick on the blind date? When the fuck does that happen? Like ever? It doesn’t. No guy in their fucking right mind would ever start spilling all the shit about his ex to a girl he’s on a blind date with. He’s going to keep his mouth shut, take her to dinner, maybe a couple of drinks, and then home. Where he will cry into his fucking pillow until he passes out.
---See her after being broken up and heart broken and they go right back to talking and laughing? What? What? How many times am I going to have to mimic that outcry right there? Fuckity fuck fuck. No. No. If you see an ex that you are heartbroken over you don’t start talking to them. You turn around and walk the other fucking direction.
---Going to architecture…Forgetting Sarah Marshall. I wrote that one down because it was the first one to pop into my head but I’m sure there are others. Ohhh. Life is in the shiter? You’re tired of being miserable? Well go do that thing you always wanted to do. Damn the results or your chances!
---“I really do hope that you’re happy.” Bullshit you lying sack of crap. You hope she has like a four headed baby or her vagina rots out. You don’t want her to be happy. The fact that she is happy is only going to piss you off even more.
---Then meets the girl at the interview…and her name was Autumn?…gay. YEP, that was my note. How fucking retarded and cliché was that shit? Dumb. How about this. Guy goes to interview and gets the job. End the goddamn movie with him looking out a window in his new office buidling sketching a fucking skyline again.

The Really Good:
---Geoffrey Arend as McKenzie…I’ve liked that fucker since he did that really weird role in Garden State.
---Richard McGonagle as the narrator….His voice was just badass.
---Chloe Moretz as Tom’s sister Rachel…”Don’t be a pussy.” His sister was like the most badass youngest sister in the world. Even though they usually don’t exist. Especially at her age. It was cool.
---Last…Zooey just passed Emily to me as being the hotter Deschanel.

So I’ve always wondered if I’m too obsessed about sex. Not really obsessed. They say the average male thinks about sex every fifteen seconds. I’m more like every nine. Its not just that though. I find myself sitting at bars picturing a dick in every females mouth that I see. Wondering what their face would look like with a dick in it. If said face would actually look good looking up at you or if you should run away. When I find the good ones I think about what they would look like looking up at me…or behind at me…during sex. If they pass that muster then I think about what they would look like during sex. What actually surprises me is that I get to that point and some girls still fail. Because thoughts can run through your head on whether or not that girl ends up looking like she’d be a dead fish or if she would actually be into it. If she likes just plain old sex or if she’s willing to get a little freaky with it.

I wonder how many people have gotten to this point going what the fuck?

Don’t let this necessarily impede your judgment of me. I do have a soul. I’ve never had a one night stand. I don’t date a girl just for their looks…ok, there was that one time but she was really, really attractive. Typically when I go for a girl they have to have brains and looks. Am I a bit selfish in that department? Yes. However, I’ve also told myself I would never settle. I honestly think there are many of my friends, and some family, who are married to the person they are with for the simple fact that they didn’t think they would ever find anything better. I don’t care if I’m single the rest of my fucking life. I will refuse to settle just to settle. I would rather spend my life waiting to find that person who is right for me, then simply take the best that I can get.

That’s probably the reason why I haven’t had a relationship last longer than a year. I hit about six months (by that point you should already know most of their tics), before I go, “Can you put up with this the rest of your life. I mean that sound she makes when she first wakes up in the morning (no lie, I had a GF that would make a sound like a fucking goose every morning), can I deal with that the rest of my life?” If the answer is yes…I continue. Once it gets close to that year point I re-evaluate again. Only this time its, “Can I see this working out? Is there a future here? Or are we just wasting each others time?” I have yet to get past the second evaluation.

Most of the time my relationships work like this. I do everything and anything for them. They step on me like I’m a piece of shit. No lie. True story. I even had one girlfriend that demanded that I “treat her like a princess.”

So…love. I am always the last person to say “I love you” in a relationship. Sometimes there’s a couple of months gap. I didn’t even start telling my sister I loved her until I was around 19 and even now sometimes I don’t want to say it. That word has bitten me on the ass and fucked me over so many times…I’m pretty fucked up huh? Case in point. I actually pretty much fell for my last ex on the first date. The first week we started dating I told her I loved her on the third date and she said the same to me. That was it folks, that was it, I thought that was the one. Before you ask…yes, I am over here. Yes, it took me over a year.

Dating. Yes, as she has already stated, it appears that Trouble and I are text dating. Haha. This is a new one for me folks. I’ve never dated someone I met online. Nor have I ever dated anyone without having ever met them. Nor have I dated a woman of a delicious color. I can say this though. Despite her original thoughts we have a lot in common. She has expressed what she doesn’t like about me and I can completely understand. I do really, really want to meet her though.

Now all I have to do is find a fucking job. What am I worried about? That’s going to be super easy right?


  1. preaching to the choir. about that stupid ass movie. and about dating. and about that delicious color.

  2. Delicious color...hahaha...I love it!

    "She has expressed what she doesn’t like about me..."

    I have? When?

  3. I think about sex a lot too (especially since I'm not getting any...yay depressed wife on medication), but I'm not you are. Thinking about a dick in every woman's mouth almost seems like way more work than I could find the effort for. I just like looking at the lovely bottoms. Heee.