Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Zombie Strippers

So, from Gas Stop Girls to Zombie Strippers, does it appear that I’m in some weird TNA fix? You would think, except that I also watched Terminator: Salvation and Angels & Demons yesterday, both decidedly TNA lacking. Anyways, so wanna know what Zombie Strippers is? How about the opening line from a news clip? I guess I should do this huh? *SPOILERS*

George W Bush has won his fourth consecutive term as president, taking Florida, which due to a glitch in the Jeb B voting terminals, tallied one single vote for President Bush and Vice President Schwarzenegger. Bush's presidency was unanimously declared legally binding by the Supreme Court as well as "totally cool" by Supreme Justice Jenna Bush who subsequently set in motion another Supreme Kegger. Following the landslide victory, a constitutional amendment banning public nudity was implemented. Shortly thereafter, President Bush dissolved Congress, claiming it was "cramping his style." American Troops continue to be strung thin due to the still raging wars in Iraq, Afghanistan, Syria, Iran, Lebanon, Libya, Pakistan, Venezuela, France, Canada, and Alaska.

So how does the rest of the plot seep out? Well the US creates a virus or some shit that can turn soldiers into zombies. Why would you do this? Because of all the wars that they are involved in they don’t have enough soldiers, zombie soldiers won’t die, zombie soldiers don’t need food, etc. Naturally at the place where they were testing it the virus broke out and a shit ton of zombies ensues. So, they bring in a group of soldiers that just stopped Armageddon…no shit, the Lieutenant killed the devil with a sharp stick. One of the soldiers, the rookie, gets bitten and runs away. He ends up at the strip club, where he becomes infected and bites Jenna Jameson’s throat out. She turns into a zombie, walks up on stage, and starts stripping. From there its basically shenanigans until the patrons they are infecting decide to revolt and then the military shows up and kills them all…what, it could happen.


There are some, Robert Englund, fucking Freddy Krueger, plays the strip club owner. He’s funny in an old school Martin Short kind of way and just really walks away with the whole fucking movie. It doesn’t hurt that he’s also the best actor in the movie. Jameson’s character reads Nietzsche. Tito Ortiz plays a chicken shit bouncer (literally, he’s the only character to run away in the whole movie). The “new” girl who is “virginal and pure” works the pole like she’s been doing it for awhile. Its only one scene, and she doesn’t get nude, but it is fantastic. Jenna bites a dude’s dick off. Two strippers have a dance off and then resort to fighting which involves Jenna shooting ping pong balls and then pool balls out her vagina. You get to hear Englund say “Suck on this you undead motherfuckers!” Nudity hits at around 14 minutes in. Zombie strippers come in at around 30 minutes. Did I mention blood covered tits? Lots of blood covered tits.

Written and Directed by:

Jay Lee, the guy does a lot of little indie b horror films and he appears to like to keep the same girls too, most of the women in the films have done other work with him. The Slaughter, The Affairs of God, The House With 100 Eyes.

The Cast:
Robert Englund
-A Nightmare on Elm Street

Jenna Jameson
-Please Cum Inside Me
-Camera Sutra

Penny Drake
-The 40 Year Old Virgin
-Sin City

Whitney Anderson
-random TV
-Porky’s: The College Years

Jennifer Holland
-The Sisterhood
-American Pie: Book of Love

Shamron Moore
-Bad News Bears (2005)
-Pledge This!

Jeannette Sousa
-Urban Legends: Final Cut
-Cruel Intentions 2

Carmit Levite
-The Englishman
-The Slaughter

And introducing newcomer Roxy Saint…who actually does the music for some of the key scenes in the movie. Like Goth rock.

If you’re in the mood for cheesy b grade horror. Boobs. Blood. A guy getting the top of his head ripped off. A pretty girl who thinks she’s ugly get shot. Or just pool balls shooting across a room out of a porn stars vagina. Watch it!

Friday, August 21, 2009

Gas Pump Girls

It’s nights like this that I wish I had someone lying in bed with me. Fuck. Anyway, I turned down free beer, free gas, and sex tonight. Why? I don’t know. Any other man would have jumped at that opportunity on a Friday night. I didn’t want it. I’m tired of having sex with no emotional attachment. It’s just fucking, and it gets old. BLARGH I will refuse to be depressed!!! So what have I done instead? I fucked around on the internet a bit, then I watched 4 episodes of “Warehouse 13,” followed by about 10 minutes of Chronos (which I’m assuming I need to be high to watch) and then I settled down with Gas Pump Girls circa 1979. What did I discover, more tits in any film I’ve ever seen. I mean tits for no reason. Tits of various sizes. Just tits.

Plot: It starts at high school graduation for a group of friends, that includes tits. From there it carries to the main characters uncle not being able to compete with a rival gas station. When uncle is out of the picture with a mild heart attack. She, along with the help of her 4 friends remake the gas station complete with tits. Yep. Skimpy outfits and a porn voice luring people in over a loudspeaker. Rival gas station runner, Mr. Friendly, tries to stop them in multiple ways but those pesky teenagers always win. End with the uncle getting Mr. Friendly’s job.

Actors: Kirsten Baker, Linda Lawrence, Sandy Johnson, Rikki Marin, Leslie King (the only one not to get nude and the whole movie I was waiting for it, she had the best body) only guy of note is Ken Lerner who has some 123 credits to his name.

Dir and Writer: Joel Bender who also wrote the screenplay for the 1981 film A Girl's Best Friend starring Ron Jeremy and Juliet Anderson. Guess what kind of movie that was.

Cast Credits: I skimmed the best from the females. Friday the 13th Part 2, Teen Lust, The Last Word, "The Incredible Hulk", Halloween , Surfer Girls, The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas, Cheech & Chong's Next Movie, Nice Dreams,"Chips,“ Cheerleaders' Naughty Weekend.

Highlights Tits, within the first 5 minutes of the movie. Tits, at least every 10 minutes in the rest of the movie. The film is complete with a musical number from the main character June that has no reason being in it. Oh, a dance number in front of a crowd…for no reason. A motorcycle group of “bad boy” youths called the “Vultures” complete with stupid gang sign. That motorcycle gang also goes from being mean to them to helping them (they actually end up working as their toe truck operators). You have the regular ditzy girl who gives the blowjobs and is actually happy that she stood topless in front of her entire graduating class and their families. The pretty one that looks like an old school version of Denise Richards that is the voice of logic. She tells them not to give boys everything they want at the start because if you wait you can make them do anything for you. The gas was like 80 cents a gallon. Did I mention tits? Various skimpy costumes. I just recalled that there is actually no sex…the most is an implied blowjob scene. Wow.

Verdict: If you’re bored and have no life…go for it.

Monday, August 17, 2009

10 Things I Hate About You-The TV Show

So I must be a glutton for punishment. You would have thought that after watching that fucking atrocity called “Merlin” I would have learned my lesson of punishing myself. Nope, last night, bored and feeling a little lost in the world I decided to watch the “10 Things I Hate About You” TV show. Yeah not the movie, the TV show. I not only watched the pilot, but two other episodes that were on HULU…fuck you HULU, its your fault, I’m blaming you. Anyway, why was it crap? Lets break it down by character, then I’ll assault the story.

Kat Stratford
Movie: Julia Stiles
Show: Lindsey Shaw
Difference: Kat played by Julia Stiles was cute and intelligent. Even when she made an asshole comment she always seemed to be smiling on the inside. She used her intelligence to outplay anyone that came against her. Kat played by Lindsey Shaw is a bitch. Her attacks only come off as being an asshole, not an intellectual who is smarter then you. Plus, she plays the character like a bulldyke. She is wholly un-feminine. Even thought the Julia Stiles Kat was a feminist she was still feminine. Shaw is just a butch fem-Nazi. The scene where she stares down Verona in the show is a perfect example.

Bianca Stratford
Movie: Larisa Oleynik
Show: Meaghan Jette Martin
Difference: Larisa played Bianca with a certain edge of wit. She wasn’t a complete dumbass, in fact, towards the end of the film you can see the intelligence that lies under her sister is underneath her to. She just chooses to play dumb. Plus she was cute without trying. Meaghan on the other hand plays Bianca as a complete dumbass. There isn’t any intelligence in there at all. The bitch is just stupid, and her only goal is to be one of the “popular” girls. Even so much as to be the mascot on the cheerleading team. She’s not even really that cute. I don’t know when “cute” became 70lbs. The scene where she does the “ass pop” perfect…yeah.

Patrick Verona
Movie: Heath Ledger
Show: Ethan Peck
Difference: Ledger was…well…Ledger. He was cool, cocky, charming, intimidating, and…handsome. Not to mention the accent that kept him out of place from the rest of the cast. He was everything he needed to be for the role. Ethan Peck on the other hand…none of these. Even when he gives glaring looks at people to scare them he isn’t scary. He’s just a somewhat pretty boy who is fucking terrible. They apparently didn’t have him speak the first like 20 minutes of the pilot and the whole time I was going, “Say he doesn’t have an accent.” Thankfully, they didn’t try to pull that one off. Example, again, see the first real stare down between Verona and Bianca in the show.

Cameron James
Movie: Joseph Gordon-Levitt
Show: Nicholas Braun
Difference: JGL had that whole boyish, nerdy, shy, thing going for him as Cameron. He was cute, somewhat gay, and flirtatious. Braun, ain’t shit. No really, he’s got nothing. He sounds like a guy trying to go through puberty and he is beyond “retarded” love for Bianca. At one point Verona looks at him and tells him his problem with girls is that his balls haven’t dropped yet. He answers him in a high pitched/cracking voice. Stupid. Example, the first time he talks to Bianca…or, fuck that, every time he speaks in general.

Walter Stratford
Movie: Larry Miller
Show: Larry Miller
Difference: Yep…same dude. He is one of the only redeeming qualities of the show. Because, well, he is the dad.

The stories/plots of the episodes. *sigh* There are times where it is a blatant rip-off of the movie. Cameron tutoring Bianca in French. Verona and Kat having some weird outsiders connection. Some strange connection between Cameron and Verona. The hate dynamic between Bianca and Kat. Its based on the movie…no really…so some of that shit makes sense. What doesn’t make sense? Changing characters for no reason or making them over the top. I’m looking at you Chastity. Or turning a character that had a possibility of having a relationship, Michael and Mandella, into one that would be awkward on screen. Not to mention the updates on references. Kat at one point compares a moment to “The Bachelor,” really? One of her most enduring qualities of the movie was her references to old school knowledge…not modern reality tv shows. There was a point when Kat compares Bianca to Kim Jong-Il. There is another when, no lie, Bianca wants money so her and a friend make a webcam (with the help of Cameron) that was just supposed to be a chat show discussing their lives. It only has one viewer until Bianca gets an itch on her back and the other girl starts to scratch it, the viewers eventually jumps to like 16. What do they learn? Ohh shit, sex sells. So then the next night they plan a “kiss.” Yeah, and they do it, until her dad walks in. When they get to school Chastity is pissed at them, for not allowing the other cheerleaders to join. What does that tell you? “Hey, its no fair that you get to make a sex tape and we don’t.” What does that also say to the audience. Hey teenage girls, you’ll be popular with the boys with sex, because hey, sex sells.” Stupid fucking dribbling shit. Another example of that same thing, when Chastity asks Joey a question and he says “Don’t worry, I haven’t shown anyone the tape we made.“ Fuck you “10 Things I Hate About You,” I’m going to watch your predecessor now and see how its supposed to be done!

Sunday, August 16, 2009

Excuse Me While I Bitch A Little

So, my life is weird.

There was a girl I knew in high school that was going through a bad breakup like myself around the same time. So it was fun conversing with her about how much we hate the opposite sex, how much shit life is, and how much we wished misery on any and all couples (especially the ones that looked all cute and made out in public). Well in April she started dating another guy we went to high school with and then this week changed that status on facebook from a big ole “In a Relationship” to “Engaged.” What? Really? In less then a year? Wait, shit, in less then six months? Then I get a nice kick when I look at the ex’s page…the one that started dating a guy less then two weeks after we broke up…the one I thought was “the one.” Her status went to “Engaged.” Really? What the fuck am I missing? I mean seriously.

How does it seem that life is just flying by me? I need to get a manual for this shit or something. Do they sell that somewhere? Like can I walk into a B&N and find a “Life for Dummies” book? That would be nice. Something that tells you what to do, when to do it, what to say, and when to say it.

One of my friends had a get together tonight, it was his 26th birthday. It was interesting to see people I haven’t seen in months, and in some cases, years. Interesting to see how many different paths our lives have gone on. Some are married, have kids, are engaged, are single. It was odd. The couples kind of stood out against the single people. I noticed most of the couple men eyeballed us single guys wishing they could come back…and some of the women looked at the guys wondering if they had chosen the right person to fuck for the rest of their lives.

I’m a people watcher. I notice little things. Ever since I started going out I started picking up body language. I would say I’m quite good at it now. One of the things some of my friends like is when we are at a bar I can see a guy flirting with a girl and within a few seconds know if she is going home with him, or letting him buy her drinks. After all, its said that women know within 15 seconds of meeting a guy whether or not they would sleep with them.

I think picking up little things like that helps me write characters better. I can give them more depth in a story just with a simple hand gesture that when forced on you, you notice, but without that push you would never see.

Back to what I was saying though. Am I ever going to figure this out? Am I ever going to get motivated to actually do the things I want to do in life. To see the things I want to see? Everyone keeps telling me to go back to college and finish but for what? I can’t do a corporate job, no sir, not me. Isn’t that pretty much the point of college? To get a “professional” job? How many questions can I ask in one blog?

I want to see the world. I want people to know my name one day. I think the way we ramble through life, just trying to get through it (for what?) isn’t what we are meant for. We should get the most out of life. How can we do that though? With money. That’s what this whole fucked up bullshit world runs on.

You know, I thought about moving to London once. I did all the research, found a flat I could afford, I started saving up money (this was right after I got kicked out of college) to pay for at least three months without income, and then I looked into getting a VISA. Know what? Ain’t happening. There was no way I could get the points up. None. Now I know some people told me to just travel to London and then, “stay.” Then I would be no better then the illegal immigrants that come here. That made me think though. This fucking country’s motto was once “Bring us your tired, your hungry, and your poor.” So what are we, and other countries like the UK doing? Saying fuck your tired, your hungry, your poor…bring us the motherfuckers that can make money. That’s no lie. You can automatically get a VISA if you have a Masters degree in Business from one of like 5 universities in this country. Guess the universities. Another way, if you make over $100,000 a year. That was probably one of the few things in my life I was actually determined to do, and the world fucked me.

Asshole World.

I know what I need to do, “quit bitching and do something about it.” Well fuck, you think I don’t know that? However, living in a depressed state of shit you tend to have a hard time doing that. Depression is unmotivating as fuck. I’m going to shut up now…I’m not drunk enough for this. I'm doing a drunken babble and I haven't even been drinking.

Thursday, August 13, 2009

Redneckland: Why You Should Clean Your Car

So, working in a redneck place has its advantages. For example, when people leave their court papers or in this case a car repossession. Now while I won’t tell you the vin # or name of the debtor, I will tell you it was a 2004 Lincoln Navigator, and its contents were thus:
1 tag
Assorted personal papers
1 pack of paper towels
1 pack of tp
1 pink kids car seat
1 open box of drink mix
2 bottles of cologne
1 stamp
1 open bottle of zyrtec
1 open bottle of Afrin
1 open bottle of 4 way decongestant
1 squeeze pop
1 swim suit top
1 clip board
1 tan hand bag with asst personal papers
asst makeup items
asst change
3 tampons
1 silver colored necklace
1 small glass bottle with unknown liquid
Asst pens
1 lighter
1 pack of m&m’s
4 loose keys
1 blue wallet
1 games stop gift card
2 bank of america cards
1 hotel key card
1 Kroger card
$200.00 in $20’s
1 fork
1 spoon
5 cds from cd player
1 check for $300
1 garmin GPS
1 rx bottle with unknown pills
1 bottle of contact solution
1 office max stamp
1 bottle of vitamin d
1 tube of monistat
1 small bat pad
1 hat
1 pink star bag with 2 markers
1 pair of glasses
1 pair of head phones
1 black strap with red clip
Asst pens and markers
1 box with 3 cigarettes
2 action passes
1 pack of tic tacs
1 nose hair trimmer
1 rag
1 serenge
6 magnetic braves calendars
1 mouse pad
1 catchers mit
1 hair brush
1 shoes
1 baseball bag with one pine tar rag
1 sports bottle
3 bats
1 trash bag with asst clothes
1 bucket with asst baseballs
1 glove
Asst toys
3 fireworks
1 journal
1 bottle of shaving cream
1 pair of small shoes
1 dog leash
14 loose unknown pills
1 cell phone
1 small bottle of Calvin Klein
1 beaded bracelet
1 bottle of bio-freeze
1 Rx bottle of Paroxetine pills [Suicidality and Antidepressant Drug]
2 cell phone chargers
1 pink and silver colored bracelet
12 loose cds
1 door clicker
Asst change
1 folder with pay roll checks

Monday, August 10, 2009

Ode to A Jibette

My apologies to her for posting this everywhere, if it embarasses her. But I'm in a good mood, and she's the cause.

Sweet tattooed goddess tempting me from afar,
Capturing me with words, witty and sharp,
Getting me drunk on pictures so nice,
Turning a black heart back to the light.

Please, allow me to get dirty.

Eyes that can eat your soul,
Eyes that can make a grown man cry,
Eyes that can make you slap your mother.

She’s a beer drinking temptress,
With enough sex appeal to melt the sun,
And enough tenacity to scare a dog.

A smile that can drive you wild,
A smile that can brighten a rainy day,
A smile that can make you go insane.

She’s a beer drinking temptress,
With the humor to put you in stitches,
And the wit to make you scratch your head.

Skin that can only be defined as perfection,
Skin that can only been seen as divine,
Skin that can only be deliciously smooth.

She’s a beer drinking temptress,
With the ability to make me smile just to see her online,
And the brains to make me feel outright dumb.

Hair that can practically beg to be pulled,
Hair that can make you want to run your fingers through it,
Hair that can put angels to shame.

She’s a beer drinking temptress,
With the know how to make me blush,
And the likelihood to drink me under the table.

Curves that can shake the heavens,
Curves that can make you wish to see more,
Curves that can make a Greek statue hang its head in shame.

She’s a beer drinking temptress,
With the knowledge that she’s driving me wild,
And the skills to know what to do with it.

Sweet tattooed goddess tempting me from afar,
Capturing me with words, witty and sharp,
Getting me drunk on pictures so nice,
Turning a black heart back to the light.

Did I mention she’s a whiskey drinker?
I’ll be in my bunk.

Sunday, August 9, 2009

I Only Speak Two Languages, English and Bad English

I’m watching The Fifth Element, I’ve owned it on VHS for years but I saw it in the 2 for $10 bin at Wal-Mart and decided to buy it. I realized it was the first DVD I’ve bought since I moved into the apartment almost a year ago. That honestly shocked the shit out of me when I realized it. I own over 250 movies and used to buy them on a regular basis. So many aspects of myself changed when my last relationship ended. I feel like maybe I’m ready to get them back.

The main goal is to start writing again. It actually made me smile today when I started the opening for my novel in my head while I was at work. When I say “the novel,” it’s the one I was working on and then in a drunken stupor deleted all three copies of, it was around 200 something pages. I didn’t know if I could go back to that one but after much encouragement from friends who had read pieces of it, I think maybe I will. It’s a fantasy novel, set in modern times. I’ve tried to incorporate every fantasy creature I can think of, which is a lot. About twenty pages in and I had to already have a character sheet. I’m intending it to end up being a trilogy. I’m hoping to attract the Harry Potter fans that are adults now. I do the gore, horror, sex, foul language, and violence shit fairly well…gotta stick to what I’m good at. Then again, one of my writing prof's said I should do one of my drug culture stories as my first novel...meh, I don't want to end up the next James Frey. Even if A Million Little Pieces was pretty damn good.

“Sir are you classified as human?”

“Ummm negative I am a meat popsicle.”

My computer says that every time I turn it off.

So I decided to look up what Vin Diesel is doing and low and behold I see that he’s in development of a new Chronicles of Riddick movie, oh joy! Sorry, I love the Riddick movies, Pitch Black was simply badass, and while The Chronicles of Riddick didn’t get as good of a reception as Pitch Black I still found it badass. Even the animated movie The Chronicles of Riddick: Dark Fury is decent. The video games rock! If you haven’t played “Escape from Butcher Bay” I would recommend it. I haven’t played “Assault on Dark Athena” but I heard good things about it as well. I also saw that he is apparently directing the Hannibal movie. Now, I’ve heard the reason why he got the part in Saving Private Ryan was because Spielberg had seen him in a movie that he also wrote and directed called Multi-Facial. I’ve never seen it, but if it was good enough to cause Spielberg to give him a role, I wonder.

That also made me think of another film I really wish I could see…holy shit…never mind I’m watching it now. The Lobo Paramilitary Christmas Special the plot: the Easter Bunny hires Lobo to kill Santa Claus. I remember reading about this…and I’ve read the comic…the film was done by a AFI student Scott Leberecht. Fuck it, go watch it yourself…

I’ve lost track of where I was originally intending this blog to go…

Saturday, August 8, 2009

Crushes & Serial Killers

What do I want to talk about?

Even though I hate the craptastic piece of shit that’s “Merlin,” I keep watching it. I don’t know why, the last episode they had Excalibur made by Merlin and a Dragon for Arthur to fight the Black Knight. However, Uther took the sword and slayed the knight himself whereby Merlin stole the sword back and threw it into the lake. *Head Desk* It’s so horrible.

Then I started watching some series from 1999 with Simon Pegg called “Spaced,” I think, which I was hoping would be really great but had me looking for something else about halfway through the first episode.

I’m running out of TV right now, the only thing I’m really watching is “True Blood,” which had a fucked up last episode. If I can’t watch TV what am I supposed to do? Read? Fuck…haven’t done that in awhile. Although I do have Mein Kampf at the top of the pile. Don’t ask. I’ve just heard so much about it I figured I would give it another read. The last time I read it was in junior high and I remember a teacher giving me a really horrible look.

ON a side note: so it looks like I’m back on the prowl again. I thought for a second there that I might have the start of something going. Not the case. I don’t know what was going on there. It was just a bunch of fucked up weirdness that eventually left me feeling…well…played. Yeah, I guess that would be the best word for it. Jesus Christ.

As a plus I do have a long distance crush. Hahaha. She lives at around a 29 hour drive from me. However from talking to her, well I guess more accurately writing to her, she sounds absolutely amazing. Like amazing, amazing, like too good to be true. Which probably means she is. Is it sad that one of the highlights of my day is talking to someone I have never met. Yeah, you don’t have to say it, its sad. Well, such is the life of a broke, miserable, person.

So…anything to lighten the mood? How about serial killers?

I love to research serial killers, I don’t know why, but I always have. Anyway, even though I have to do more research on them, this is just quick gasp wikipedia shit. I found some that I would love to tell you about. Say, for example, that you’ve heard of Garey Ridgway a.k.a. The Green River Killer, 48 victims to his credit.

Motherfucker does not hold a candle to Harold Shipman, a.k.a. Doctor Death who is known to have killed 218 people, mostly women, the youngest being 41 years old. Suck that Zodiac. But he looks paltry to Pedro Alonso López a.k.a. The Monster of the Andes.

The man, now 60, confessed to killing over 300 women. According to Wiki, “in 1980 when he led police to the graves of 53 of his victims in Ecuador, all girls between nine and twelve years old. In 1983 he was found guilty of murdering 110 young girls in Ecuador alone and confessed to a further 240 murders of missing girls in neighboring Peru and Colombia.” In 1983 the dude would have been 35. Wow. But check out his past, “According to López, his mother, a prostitute with 13 children, caught him fondling his younger sister in 1957, when he was eight years old, and evicted him from the family home. He was then picked up by a pedophile, taken to a deserted house and repeatedly sodomized. He was later taken in by an American family and enrolled in a school for orphans. He allegedly ran away, either with a teacher from his school, or because he was molested by a teacher. At 18, he was gang-raped in prison and, he claimed, killed three of the rapists while still incarcerated.” Wow again. However, The Monster of the Andes can't even come close to one Thug Behram.

“He may have murdered up to 931 victims by strangulation between 1790–1840 with the ceremonial cloth (or rumal, which in Hindi means handkerchief), used by his cult.” Holy hell? How the fuck does anyone manage to personally murder 931 people? How?

Yes, Hitler may have said "kill" and millions died. Jim Jones led to the deaths of over 900 people in the infamous Jonestown Massacre. But they didn’t personally do it. That shit is crazy! Note the picture...those are bodies. It's an aerial shot from Jonestown.

I guess I'm done. If you're interested snoop around my deviantart page and look for a story called The HitchHiker. It's my tale of a serial killer.

Tuesday, August 4, 2009


So I picked up the newest issue of “Entertainment Weekly.” Why? Because it has vampires written on the top in giant, bold letters with an exclamation point. VAMPIRES! I can’t turn away from that, I have a huge vampire fetish. I own several vampire movies, including, but not limited to all three Blade films, Oldman’s Dracula, John Carpenters Vampires, Underworld 1&2etc. I’ve read books, I own The Vampire Chronicles and have read the Laurell K Hamilton Anita Blakeseries, as well as Bram Stoker, yada, yada, yada. So naturally when I saw the VAMPIRES! I had to pick it up. Inside they discussed Twilight and “True Blood” and then decided to make a list of the top 20 vampires. I’m going to relay it to you, then discuss it.

So, to be clear, the following is from “Entertainment Weekly.”
1. Lestat
2. Christopher Lee’s Dracula
3. Bela Lugosi’s Dracula
4. Edward Cullen Twilight
5. Bill and Eric “True Blood”
6. Asa Vajda Black Sunday
7. Angel “Angel”
8. Mr. Barlow Salem’s Lot
9. Schuyler Van Alen “Blue Bloods”
10. Gary Oldman’s Dracula
11. Klaus Kinski’s Dracula Nosferatu the Vampyre
12. Zoey Redbird “House of Night”
13. Jean Claude Anita Blake
14. David The Lost Boys
15. Miriam Blaylock and Sarah Roberts The Hunger
16. Blade Blade
17. Eli Let The Right One In
18. Countess Bathory Daughters of Darkness
19. Selene Underworld
20. Caleb and Mae Near Dark

The readers poll also gave Alexander Skarsgard the hottest new vampire title.

What the fuck “Entertainment Weekly?” You’re going to put Edward “I fucking sparkle” Cullen ahead of Blade, Selene, Gary Oldman, and Klaus Kinski? Not to mention Jean Claude. Fuck that gay little fairy vampire.

Ugh. I have yet to see the movie, or read the books, because, well, I’m a man. I have no desire to read or see anything that has teenage girls waiting in line for hours. Nope. Its why I’ve never listened to a Backstreet Boys or Britney Spears album. Nope, ain’t gonna do it. Nope.

Then again they also threw the “True Blood” guys up there. Why?

This list would have been different for me. One, Klaus Kinski would be number one because he is fucking Dracula. He “is” what started vampires in film. Not to mention I think he really is a vampire. That dude just looked fucking freaky. I probably would have put Lestat at number two and Jean Claude at number three. In my opinion they are two of the best vampires ever written. They got it all, looks, charm, class…I’d do em.

Shit, let me use the exact same characters and make my list.
1. Klaus Kinski’s Dracula
2. Lestat Vampire Chronicles
3. Jean Claude Anita Blake
4. Gary Oldman’s Dracula
5. Bela Lugosi’s Dracula
6. Christopher Lee’s Dracula
7. David The Lost Boy’s
8. Countess Bathory Daughters of Darkness
9. Blade Blade
10. Selene Underworld
11. Angel “Angel”
12. Mr. Barlow Salem’s Lot
13. Bill and Eric “True Blood”
14. Asa Vajda Black Sunday
15. Caleb and Mae Near Dark
16. Edward Cullen Twilight
17. Eli Let The Right One In
18. Miriam Blaylock and Sarah Roberts The Hunger
19. Schuyler Van Alen “Blue Blood”
20. Zoey Redbird “House of Night”

Of course, I would toss in ones like Jan Valek in Vampires because, well, he rips someone in half with his fingers. Or every vampire in 30 Days of Night because they were…brutal. Notice how most of the vampires on this are “tame?” Well, Eric did rip that dude in half on that one episode of “True Blood” and then got upset because he got blood in his hair.

Anyway…just felt like spewing some vampire shit. And yes, if given the opportunity, I would totally be a vampire.