Monday, January 25, 2010

Terminator: Redux

So I watched Terminator: Salvation tonight for some fucking reason. Maybe its because I’m developing a man crush on Sam Worthington. Anyway, the movie got me thinking of how retarded they actually are. There is just so many holes in logic that you could likely drive a truck through them. The biggest one that stuck out for me in Salvation was this. If you can rip a fucking T-800’s head off with pretty much your bare hands why in the name of god would some human dude (who can’t do that) be worth giving your heart to? Really? Really? That makes no sense. He’s just a normal dude, he can’t do shit….except die. Oh but he’s the leader of the resistance. *Cough* You have a guy who can rip a T-800’s head off. Who is stronger, faster, and pretty much impossible to kill. Who is also a better fighter and it appears pretty intelligent. Totally…totally kill him. Dumbasses. So, in response to this I decided to re-write the original Terminator as I saw fit. Here ya go.

Terminator: Redux

Some punk kids are doing some punk shit, because, being the 80’s naturally the bad dudes have to be punk. Through the weird fucking time portal looking things comes the TERMINATOR, naturally, he is naked. He’ll kill the punk kids and take their clothes. Obviously one of these punks will have to be somewhat close to Arnold’s size because who isn’t close to Arnolds size right?


KYLE REESE comes through some fucking weird time portal looking thing. Of course, he is naked, because nothing inorganic can come through the portal. Let’s just forget the fact that if a Terminator can come through with metal that cotton certainly wouldn’t make it. He stands up, falls down, gets back up and makes his way around. Eventually he will find clothes off a homeless dude, and some kind of weapon that will in no way defend him against a Terminator.


Kyle finds SARAH CONNOR in the nightclub. Duh! Where else would he find her? He runs away with her out of the building fearing that the Terminator will show up and kill her, thus destroying the future leader of the resistance.


Kyle tells Sarah the story of the future. Of how she will have the child that will lead the resistance, of the Terminator sent back in time to kill her, of how he was sent back in time to save her, bullshit bullshit bullshit, yada yada yada. For some unknown reason Sarah falls for Kyle (maybe it’s the gruff voice and scars), they fuck like rabbits.


Sarah and Kyle walk down the street.

So where’s this ginormous killer machine dude.

I don’t know, he must not be onto us yet. Consider this a good thing.

Out of nowhere the Terminator (wearing a business suit) comes around the corner and runs into Kyle. Kyle backs up and shoots him. The Terminator looks at the hole missing out of the skin on his chest and looks at Kyle.

Now what the hell was that for?

You’re here to kill Sarah, I’m here to stop you.

Now why in the world would I be here to kill her?

Because she is going to give birth to the future leader of the resistance?

What good would that do?

What do you mean?

Sarah paces back and forth, checking out the muscles on the Terminator.

So are you…anatomically correct?

I am. Now back to your question…I’m sorry, what’s your name again?

Kyle Reese…John Connors best friend?

Ohhh right, right. Do you two want to get a cup of coffee or something? I can’t drink any but standing out here on the street makes me self conscious.



The Terminator sits on one side of the table, Kyle and Sarah on the other. Sarah is playing with the spoon in her coffee cup, staring at the Terminator. Kyle looks around nervously, his coffee untouched.

Ok, so, in answer to your question. Skynet determined that it would basically be pointless for us to come back and kill Sarah.


Well, logically you can’t really change history that way. I mean, if John wasn’t the leader then someone else would be. Right? I mean, what, did he have some magical powers or something? Was he a Highlander? No.

So I’m not having the future leader of a resistance?

I don’t know, you might, if you don’t die in child birth or some crazy car accident. I mean, a lot can happen in nine months.

So if you’re not here to kill Sarah why are you here?

Well that’s easy. I came back to build more of me. Why waste the opportunity to travel back in time? Duh! I mean, really? When all of these possibilities of how you can really change time are right in front of your face why settle for the obvious?

More of you?

Well, not more of me. The T-X.


Well technically she would come after me, and after the T-1000. But we figured what the hell, why waste all that effort when we can just make the best the first time. I mean…they should have sent her back this time but then I wouldn’t have gotten to look all badass in a suit.

So…can you get an erection?

Both Kyle and the Terminator just stare at her.


Ohhh yeah. She’s hot too.


The Terminator guides Kyle and Sarah through the manufacturing plant. Showing off some cool new weapons that are from the future, some new vehicles, and all the robots he made to create said things. In walks the T-X. She casually strolls over and looks at Kyle and Sarah.

So is she here to kill Sarah?


He keeps going on about the horny bitch that looks like a man standing across from you.

Ohhh. Right.

I don’t look like a man.

She doesn’t look like a man.

Hey, I’m not the one that slept with her.

What the…Anyway, so why make a bunch of her?

Ohhh. That’s easy, so I can eradicate the population of Earth.

Kyle pulls out his gun.

I can’t let you do that.

Without hesitation the T-X kills Kyle. Sarah screams and blood gets all over the Terminators suit. He looks at the T-X and shakes his head.

Really? I just got this suit.

Sorry, I’m sorry. He had a gun.

And just what in the hell would that do to you?

Are you going to kill me now?

The Terminator and T-X laugh.

No, we think it would be funny to let you live.

Just don’t get all buff and shit. You’ll look even more like a man, we still wouldn’t believe you could kick anyone’s ass, and you’ll totally kill your career.


Ohhh yeah.


Wednesday, January 20, 2010

I'm Alive! Muhahahahaha

Been awhile huh? I guess that’s because I’ve really not had much to say. I’m not really doing anything except sitting at home and waiting for the end of the month. Why the end of the month? That’s when I will be back in the parents house.

Do I want to move back? I think that has a resounding yes…and no.

I’ve never been so miserable as when I’ve lived here in this apt. Even then few times I’ve been at the rents house for the night I’ve been much happier. I don’t know if it is because that is “home” or just because I actually feel welcome. I guess what goes along with that is that the roomie and I haven’t exactly been on good terms lately. In fact, last week I think we spoke maybe a sentence to one another. Plus, moving in with the parents again will mean that all of my money that comes in with the new job will not be going anywhere. I can save it and hopefully get my own house by this time next year. Is that a big stretch? A leap? Yes…but I think a little one bedroom house would be awesome (and yes, they have those here). As well I will be able to likely finish my tattoo, have money for my trip, and probably get my other tattoo started.

My no’s are odd. I’ll be back home which means my parents will be nagging me about what to do again. I’m going to be turning 28 in two months and will still be with my parents. On second thought, living at home won’t be that bad. They never really regulated my comings and goings. I’ve only had one girl at my apartment. I can’t count the number for my parents house. Yeah…it’s not going to be bad at all. Plus, I’ll have cable again…woohoo!

So why am I waiting? I’m waiting to find another job until I’m back with them so I won’t have so much other shit on my plate when I find another one. I want to be completely focused on the job and nothing else. So what have I been doing? Well, not reading for the Cannonball Read is what I’ve been doing. Most of my time has been stalking ashes and harassing the shit out of her every time she’s on facespace. That, and watching movies. No…really.

Movies Still Rot Your Brain

--I think it was Dr. Pisaster over on facespace that said it was Equilibrium for vampires. I didn’t really catch that. In fact…I didn’t really understand the movie. Was it pretty in that gothic way? Yes. Did it have good gore? Yes. Anything else? Not really…the cure was really retarded.

--*zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz* Oh I’m sorry what? Huh? Ummmm. Matt Damon got ripped. Morgan Freeman is awesome (as always). That’s about all I got.

The Book of Eli
--I really liked it. Not…I fell in love with and have seen it four times liked it. But I liked it none the less. I will say that I disagree with the review over on Pajiba. I didn’t feel that it was preachy at all. And the ending? Good luck guessing that one.

The Lovely Bones
--So ashes watched this one last night and she says it it no way compares to the book. I…have not read the book. I…thought it was ok. I liked it visually. It reminded me a lot of the look and feel of What Dreams May Come although more washed out…especially in the “now.” Also…that ending…fuck that ending. All the way up to the safe. You’ll know what I’m talking about when you watch the movie. Fuck the whole thing from the safe on. Stupid.

The Road
--Really, really upset me. I was expecting the book. Instead I got a film that could, in no way, compare itself to the book. It was no where near as bleak, or grim, or just plain fucking depressing. Some people have commented on the interesting/cool cameo of Duvall. Yes, it was cool. However, if you’ve read the book he just wasn’t…well…fucking insane enough for the character he was portraying. I mean, the guy in the book says he eats whatever he has to to survive. Whatever he has to. Let that sink in a little while. Plus, no baby eating. That part of the book is forever stuck in my head.

Up in the Air
--Straight up depressed the ever living fuck outta me. Damn’t. Was it a good movie? Yes…but fuck it…fuck it up it’s depressing ass. Bitch.

--Would be good if it finished. Either tell the Tobey story…or tell the Jake-Natalie story. If you want to tell both then tell both but actually flesh out both stories and make them mean something. If you only want to tell one story then only tell that story. That was the reason Brothers failed for me. You get invested in the three main characters and nothing is resolved for any of them.

--Fun. It’s a fun popcorn movie. Doesn’t really tell a great story. Think of it as Death Race only mix it with Call of Duty. Throw in a little real life SIMS and that’s pretty much the movie. It’s fast though, not quite Crank fast, but fast nonetheless. When it does drag it doesn’t drag for long. Like I said…a good popcorn movie.

Ghosts of Girlfriends Past
--Yeah…don’t ask me why I watched it. I’m saying it was for Stone. Otherwise, I really don’t know why. But it was kind of terrible. Although I wonder if the shirtless wonder MM is really just telling us a story of his own life.

Law Abiding Citizen
--FUN! That’s all I can really say about it. The ending was a bit of a pisser but other then that it’s a pretty fun movie.

Miss March
--Would have to be the dumbest fucking movie I’ve ever seen in my life, and that says something. No really, its that dumb. An example “horsecock.mpg” doesn’t even have a cock. Yeah…the black rapper in the film doesn’t even have any sex organs…no really. Ummm another? Ohh yeah, dude goes into a coma for 4 years right before he is supposed to lose his virginity (which, btw the girl wanted to do and he didn’t). How does he wake up? His best friend hits him in the face with a baseball bat. What happens? Well lets just say when he overexerts himself he has explosive shits. So what do you think happens when he finally loses his virginity to his now Playmate girlfriend? Yeah…stupid.

Observe and Report
--Dull. Really, it was just dull. Even the date rape scene that got shit was…dull. Poor Ray Liotta. It’s about a loser…who is a fucking loser…but thinks he’s the king of the world. It makes no sense…and now I wonder after Paul Blart if I shouldn’t just punch every mall security guy right in the fucking face when I see him. Of course…I would have to go to the mall. Which I haven’t been to but…ohh…3 times in the last 6 years.

Smokin’ Aces 2: Assassins' Ball
--Just as retarded as the original! What’s that you say? It’s a sequel but really a prequel? WOW. Ok…it does have Vinnie Jones and Tommy Flanagan as bad guys. That’s all I really have to say. What’s that? A girl walks in a nun’s costume, strips down to her lingerie in front of a priest and right before performing oral sex on him kisses him and kills him? Well…if I didn’t just sprout a…

--Poor, poor Bruce. This was pretty much shit. Yeah…that’s all I got. Don’t know the plot. Think of it like Avatar except without an alien planet, or aliens, or even less of a plot. Humans don’t interact anymore. They do so with robot human replicas of themselves. Like the avatar interface. Well…someone starts killing them. Bruce Willis, a detective, goes all human like after then guy. What happens in the end…*sigh*…like you didn’t see that coming.

--Not as bad as I thought it was going to be nor as bad as I’ve heard it is. Again, disagree with Pajiba. I didn’t find it to be that boring or slow. In fact, I thought it was a good who-done-it. Which, if you’ve watched those types of movies they tend to stick to the more detective aspect. So, when something new pops up for the detective they slow the pace down to let you try and understand it as well. There were some decent action scenes. Plus, they only waited 8 minutes to get Kate Beckinsale in her underwear…in Antarctica.

The Invention of Lying
--The film was actually really, really promising up until about halfway through the movie…then the gimmick got old and it pretty much just became retarded. I can understand the whole not being able to lie thing but to just be plain brutally honest? Unless someone asks you a direct question there is no need to just tell them everything that pops into your fucking head. Like…for instance…telling Gervais that he’s fat with a pug nose. Why? If someone says, what do you see when you see me? Do you really have to say that? Can you not say I don’t find you attractive? The world was full of assholes. I would kill everyone. Or…the fact that everyone who is not “pretty” is automatically deemed a loser. I’m still trying to figure that one out. Plus…even in a society like this they kind of went a Gattaca route. Like everyone wants someone with good DNA. Have they never heard of people just simply being attracted to another type? However, there is a cameo by Edward Norton as a cocaine addicted cop that is…well…priceless.

--No matter how bad I wanted it to be Event Horizon, it wasn‘t. It was close…but no cigar. I guess it just wasn’t scary enough. It had its moments where it tried but there is a big difference between trying and doing. Plus, I felt the ending was too…happy. Not to mention the timeline of the film. I really couldn’t grasp the timeline. It didn’t make any sense. The suspense wasn’t really up to par either. I felt no sense of urgency. It was a good try though…and no matter what it will likely end up in my collection one day.

The End
I’m having trouble sleeping. I tend to not fall asleep until around 6am…then I don’t wake up until around 3 or 4pm. I don’t know why. I also have no energy. I don’t want to do anything. I know a lot of this is coming from depression. You would think I’d be used to this shit by now.

Saturday, January 9, 2010

The Loss of the American Dream

My Life
In the last few years, pretty much since I became an “independent” person as society likes to put it, I’ve constantly questioned myself as to what my dream is. I remember my dream as a child, it was to do something cool, be a mountain climber, an astronaut, a firefighter. As I reached my teenage years my dream became more pronounced, it began to include the ideals of love and life. I wanted to have a successful job, I wanted a wife and children, I wanted my dream house with a white picket fence, I wanted to travel and see the world. I suppose these thoughts of what I wanted life to be like developed through my family.

While we weren’t always “happy” my parents never divorced, they always tried to provide for us to the best of their ability and still do. I remember my mother one time telling me that even when she wanted things she never bought them so that she could make sure we always had what we needed. I know the opposite exists now. In the last few years my father told me, with pride, that for the first time he could remember he actually had money in the bank that wasn’t going to something. My dad worked to become what he is, eventually going back to college late in life and building up to the career he currently has. My mother was stay at home until financially she had to go to work. We went on family vacations, packed into a car with the luggage on the roof. Driving where we needed to go. Our only entertainment was our mind, and books, lots of books (not TV screens with DVD players in the car). We never had the most “up to date” technology, we weren’t the type to have the brand new TV, the coolest computer, or the latest gadget. Happy moments for me was fishing with my father and going to movies with my mother.

In school I was a good student, I never skipped, I brought home the grades, and later I was rarely disciplined. Going into college I had high hopes. I imagined college to be what I always saw in movies. Large auditorium classes, a melting pot of people, learning what I wanted to learn and partying along the way. College ended up being almost the exact opposite of what I expected. Here I was paying for an education (with my own money, I saved up, never got a loan) that included courses I never wanted, sitting in small classrooms that were supposed to be better for the students but only made me feel like I was still in high school, and paying an exuberant amount of money for books and fees that I had no idea what they were going to. It really wasn’t the melting pot I expected, the student protests were usually limited to groups of ten students, and no matter how much I looked I couldn’t find any clubs I wanted to be a part of. I could understand the need for a student to be well educated, to cover all the bases (math, science, history, etc), however I couldn’t ever grasp why I had to pay for things that I wasn’t interested in. In the end not only did college fail me, but I failed college. I was kicked out with two classes left to graduate with my BA and three more to add on three minors. I have people telling me to go back but I can’t really grasp why.

I understand it is so I can get a “better paying job,” but I’ve never been able to picture myself in a corporate job. I can’t imagine sitting in a cubicle, having bosses on top of bosses on top of bosses. That doesn’t sound important to me, or necessary, when did that become necessary? I want to be a writer, saving up the couple of thousand necessary to go back to school seems better spent on going to Europe, at least then I can experience rather than regurgitate. The problem with me is a lack of motivation, I’ve quit most of the things I’ve started, I don’t know why…I quit all the sports I played, I quit school, I quit…caring. I was once two hundred and fifty pages into a novel and deleted it one night when I got drunk because I felt it was shit. I wanted to move to London once, then found out I could never get the “points” to go. Unless of course I had a Masters degree from one of a few universities in this country in business. This helped me to understand the plight of immigration into this country. Everywhere is a sign that says, “No Vacancy.“ I held the same job for seven years but was laid off when the restaurant I worked for closed because of the economy. The story of my life.

I guess this can go into two things. One, the self medication of society, particularly in today’s youth. Two, the concept and failure of the modern American dream.

The Self Medication of Society
My life feels the most like Peter Sarsgaard’s character Mark in Garden State. A failure, in almost every aspect. My grandfather was an alcoholic, I can see myself becoming the same. I don’t consider myself one now, but I can see it happening. After high school I started getting into drugs. At first it was just smoking weed. This gravitated to nitrous oxide, which eventually went to ecstasy and on to the culmination of eventually trying almost every drug known to man. From the drugs I went to drinking, I drink…often, I smoke weed on an occasional basis, and I really wish I could stay fucked up on a twenty four hour rotation. Why? Because a society, a life, through dull/diluted images seems much more interesting than the life I currently lead. On alcohol you forget, you forget everything, your inhibitions go out the window and you can become your “Tyler” from Fight Club. On weed everything becomes much more entertaining, whether that be watching a TV show, seeing the interactions of society, or hearing a joke you’ve heard a hundred times. A quick little research study can kind of help spread this “shocking” (note sarcasm) news of a self medicating society. According to the National Institute of Mental Health website ( 14.8 million Americans suffer from Major Depressive Disorder, 3.3 from Dysthymic Disorder, 5.7 from Bipolar Disorder, 40 from some type of Anxiety Disorder, and 15 from a Social Phobia. Think about that and let it sink in. Now getting a statistic like this comes from people who actually tell the truth and/or are treated for one of these disorders. Now how many people never tell and/or are treated? How many suffer from a disorder and never admit it? How many people actually have a problem in the first place? Do we really think this many people suffer from depression, or is it more that society has to place these restraints/classifications on people in order to justify that need? Maybe a need to explain something they can’t put a name to. That would be my guess. So how about suicide? According to the World Health Organization ( 17.7 per 100,000 men committed suicide and 4.5 per 100,000 women in the United States as of 2009. Suicide people. Suicide. We hear it more on the news now. The murder/suicide of an entire family. Of people killing themselves in real time on the internet. In Japan they have actually had a string of gas/poison related suicides where the victims place notes on the door letting authorities know that the apartment has a poisonous gas in it. In fact, in today’s time how many people have at least considered suicide? Talking to my parents and grandparents no matter how bad things got for them the concept never even entered their head. Lastly, in the terms of self medication, from the National Institute of Drug Abuse website (, let me mention that they have a large amount of statistics on children. Between the ages of 12 and 20, 10.8 million reported drinking within the last month, 30.5 reported driving under the influence of alcohol. 16.3% of 18-25 year olds used marijuana, 6.4% abused prescription drugs, 2.4 million used cocaine, and MDMA use has continued to increase in the last two years. Why did I just shout out a lot of statistics to you and made it seem like you were either reading A)a boring school paper or B)a boring government paper? Because I really can’t make statistics entertaining while still getting my point across. The world is going to shit. Of course this can also be an example of the complete failure of the “War on Drugs.” Do I necessarily think it is wrong for people to use drugs? No. Do I think that people are over medicated? Yes. We see arguments in society and on the news about how many children are pronounced with having ADD or ADHD and whether or not we are actually misdiagnosing yet do people bother to try and do this with depression? Do you really think 14.8 million people suffer from depression? Or do you think there are a lot that do and never get help compared to those that don’t that do? Why is this an example of the destruction of the American Dream? We are medicating society rather than living. We are choosing to ignore what is going on around us rather than pay attention to it. We are so fucking self-absorbed and juvenile that we don’t know what the meaning of living even is. We would rather live in an alternate world then the one we are actually in. Because the one we are actually in is the one we don’t want to be in. Watch The Chumscrubber.

The Modern American Dream
No one is happy with their lives. I mean really, truly happy. There can always be something wrong.

Money. Like the edict of “Money can’t buy you happiness.” Bullshit. Whoever said that must have been loaded because in today’s society money is the only thing that appears to be able to buy you happiness. But should it be that way? According to the US Department of Commerce in 1961 the average American family income was $5,600 in 1960 ( What do you think it is now? Could you even do anything making that much a year? I think homeless people now make more than that. This is one of the reasons for our loss of the American Dream. We no longer look just to provide for ourselves and our family. Now we look to compete in a market driven consumer based society. We need to have that new Ipod, that brand new laptop, the newest videogame system. We want to have a larger TV that’s flatter than our neighbors or best friend. We want to make sure we drive in the car with the leather seats and cd/mp3 player. Did we not want the same things in 1960? I won’t say no because that would just be retarded. However I think that the majority of our lives now strive for this.

Divorce. Looking around quickly I couldn’t find a reasonable statistic. All over the place I saw people saying it was 50% of marriages end up in divorce. I won’t go that high, I’ll say 35%. Even if it is only 35% what does that say? Boredom
is my answer. In this fast paced society we have brought on by short attention spans and the free sex movement of the 60’s/70’s the possibility of a successful long term relationship drops quickly. Because of this. Because of children growing up in one parent households. Watching their parents go through divorce. Seeing the odds of a relationship actually working. We have given up on the concept of true love. Now instead of finding that one person we are going to spend the rest of our lives with we look at the possibility that it may be the first of many marriages. I saw a commercial the other day in which a woman is looking for the man of her dreams, when she finds said man the commercial ends in a wedding where she pronounces “I found husband number two.” We have a TV show called “The Starter Wife.” We have the modern terms of MILF and Cougar. Where did these come about? Look back at the concept of money again, of this notion of bigger and better. We trade in our old models for new ones. Even when we think we have found the perfect someone we continue to look for someone better.

Faith. Being a Deist, and a person who generally despises every aspect of Christianity, I will have to admit that society has faltered somewhat since the absence of church in the home. The youth of today lack the discipline that was once instilled. Now instead of getting in trouble and getting the holy hell whacked out of you parents are expected to “talk” to their children about why what they did was wrong. I got talked to…after I got my butt reddened. What did this teach me? Don’t do that because it has consequences. We also lost the core values of what a family really is. Almost like the military they should be something along the lines of persistence, respect, courage and loyalty. Courage comes from examples of women being raped around people and no one stepping in to help. Loyalty comes from helping your loved ones and that family comes before all else. Respect is easy to identify, how many children now talk back to their teachers? To their parents? How many do you hear say “Yes Ma’am” or “No Sir?” How many would help someone with their groceries or open a door for a lady? Then again look at the fact of what would happen now if you did try to help someone? You stop to help someone with a flat tire and you’re likely to get maced in the face or have the cops called on you. Persistence would stay along those lines of following your dreams. How many people, myself included in this, are simply doing what they have to do not what they want to do? How many have jobs to simply “pay the bills?” Even I have not followed in my parents footsteps.

I feel that life has dwindled to a state of simply going through the motions. Do we really have anything to strive for anymore? What happened to the concept of having a family, raising children? What happened to the concept of love? How did we go from comfort to luxury, from “Leave it to Beaver” to “Modern Family,” from wanting to fight for your country to demeaning it? Where did the family dinner go?

We have kids walking around school with wheelie backpacks. Parents who would rather talk on their cell phone then listen to what their small child did with their day. We have a country that was once the envy of the world and is now almost looked upon as a blight. We have an education system that is failing and yet we dump money into bailing out car companies with CEOs that fly in private jets. We have corporations like McDonalds ever expanding while the small business owners are collapsing. We have become a selfish people, the children of the selfless. We want better then what we had for our children and yet what does that get us? What do we hope for now? Where do we go from here? What has happened to the American Dream?

Friday, January 1, 2010

Ya Damn Pervert!

I see you, watching that movie with a young girl in it and wondering what they are going to look like when they get older. Wondering if they are going to turn out a dud or a sexy vixen. I did the same thing with Waterworld and Tina Majorino...boy was I wrong (btw I was 13 when that movie came out). However there have been others in this world. Others who turned out exactly like you expected...or wanted...and you should feel a little dirty about that. Right? Right? I'm sure you ladies do the same thing as with Daniel Radcliffe or Jonathan Taylor Thomas or something. I have no fucking idea. I was going to ask some ladies their former young guy crushes but I didn't really know how to approach that question.

"So hey, I was wondering if you could help me out with a blog I'm doing. I...uh...want to do a blog about children that end up becoming hotties. What? Where are you going?"

So I decided to just stick with it myself. Now naturally I couldn't do them I chose a few that stuck out in my head. Here we go...I hope you feel disgusted with yourself by the end. *stiffles laugh*

Alexa Vega
Current Age: 21
When you first saw her? You would likely remember her the first time in Twister when she played the young Helen Hunt in 1996...she was 8. She was 13 by the time the above photo was taken in Spy Kids in 2001. Her last movie you might remember her in Repo! The Genetic Opera.


Anna Paquin
Current Age: 27
When you first saw her? Should you be a cultured fuck, or someone who pays attention to the Oscars, you would have first seen Paquin here at age 11 in The Piano opposite Holly Hunter. Of course most of you would know her as Rogue from The X-Men. Hey, you dirty fucks, in all likely hood she was only 17 when she filmed that one.


Christina Ricci
Current Age: 29
When you first saw her? When she played in The Addams Family as Wednesday in 1991. Yes boys and girls that means she was 11 years old. Now look at you. I see you looking at her. Shame on yourself. She played dirty lately but none so more than in Black Snake Moan. Of course you can get a lesbian fix in Monster too.


Danielle Harris
Current Age: 32
When you first saw her? She was 11 years old in the 1998 Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers. Of course you may also remember her in Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead, City Slickers, and The Last Boy Scout. Where have you seen her recently? At 32 years old she reprised her role from the remake of Halloween in Halloween 2 this year. That would mean at 30 years old she played a high school student. Not bad huh?


Emma Watson
Current Age: 19
When you first saw her? As Hermione Granger in Harry Potter and the Sorcerors Stone in 2001 at the age of 11. She is still doing that series. How did she celebrate by turning legal? She flashed her crotch for the paparazzi. Awww. Young hoochies in training. Taking a page out of the Britney Spears, Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton manual. At least she has a British accent.


Kirsten Dunst
Current Age: 27
When you first saw her? Well, the first time you likely remember her (it was her "big" breakout performance) is from Interview With The Vampire circa 1994 when she was 12 years old? Does she look 12? She doesn't look 12 to me she looks 8. She looked like Shirley Temple. Than again Temple turned into a fucking fox when she got Dunst.


Lacey Chabert
Current Age: 27
When you first saw her? Well, if you are my age, or had an older sister or a mother who basically controlled the TV, you likely saw her on "Party of Five" when she was 12 years old. Now unlike a lot of these now older beauties, Lacey has kind of whored herself...and her now ample breasts...out. Doing shit like Black Christmas and Ghosts of Girlfriends Past...yeah.


Lindsay Lohan
Current Age: 23
When you first saw her? The Parent Trap, 1998, when she was 12. Now some of you might balk at me for putting Lohan on this list. "Why the hell would you put a fucking insane, crackhead lesbian on this list?" Why? Because before she turned into the insane, crackhead lesbian that she now is Lohan actually looked pretty fucking good. So shut your whore mouth! Just take this picture as evidence.


Natalie Portman
Current Age: 28
When you first saw her? The first time you saw her would be Leon: The Professional in 1994...she was 11 when she was cast for the film. Admit it. The scene where she does Madonna's "Like A Virgin" made you uneasy. Didn't it? Didn't it? Don't fucking lie of course it did. You can watch that movie now knowing full well that she is almost 30 and yet you will still feel uncomfortable when you watch that scene. You're supposed to. The scenes of sexual tension were intentionally put into the film. Fucked up huh? It's's ok.


The Olsen Twins
Current Age: 23
When you first saw them? They were babies. Fucking babies!! That's right, you watched these girls fucking grow up on "Full House" since they were babies! Now look at em. You might say you don't think the Olsen Twins are attractive. That they are too full of cocaine, eating disorders, and semen to actually warrant being attractive. However, for being potential holocaust victims I say they look damn good. Well hello...that is exactly what they need to do. I see a resurgence in their acting career. They need to play holocaust victims. Cha-ching! Of course it also doesn't help they were at one point the richest teenagers in the world. That doesn't hurt.


Thora Birch
Current Age: 27
When you first saw her? She was a wee 10 year old lass playing Harrison Fords daughter in Patriot Games. Where the above image is from. The scene is even the one where she is in front of the palace guards trying to get them to do something. Remember? Anyway, she pretty much shed her image of being a child when she did American Beauty and showed off her wonderful rack. I'm wondering though. If American Beauty came out in 1999 does that mean that we are looking at a 17 or possibly 16 year old Birch's breasts? Food for thought my friends...foood for thought.



Drew Barrymore
Current Age: 34
When you first saw her? That would either be E.T. in 1982 or Firestarter in 1984. When she was 7 and 9. Jeebus. I was 0 and 2. Anyway...I would totally do Drew. Sure we had those moments where she went all druggie out and her acting started sucking (psssst she did Poison Ivy) but she totally made a comeback like RDJ.


Alyssa Milano
Current Age: 37
When you first saw her? She was 13 in 1985 when she did Commando. Since then she has been topless in a bunch of stuff. Had lesbian, straight, and bisexual sex in other stuff. Done bad sequels (pssst she was in Poison Ivy 2) and tried to bring life back into her career. I don't think it worked.



Jodie Foster
Current Age: 47
When you first saw her? She did a lot of TV even before she was 10 but one of her first films was Tom Sawyer and then Taxi Driver when she was 14. For some reason there were a lot of complaints about her playing a prostitute. I don't know why. Pffft...people.

Some of you might say there are more. I know this. For example Eliza Dushku is pretty foxy now and she was 14 when she did True Lies in 1994. Or you could mention Rachel Miner who was 10 when she played the younger Alice in Alice. Are you feeling dirty yet? You should...PERVERT!!