Friday, January 1, 2010

Ya Damn Pervert!



I see you, watching that movie with a young girl in it and wondering what they are going to look like when they get older. Wondering if they are going to turn out a dud or a sexy vixen. I did the same thing with Waterworld and Tina Majorino...boy was I wrong (btw I was 13 when that movie came out). However there have been others in this world. Others who turned out exactly like you expected...or wanted...and you should feel a little dirty about that. Right? Right? I'm sure you ladies do the same thing as well...like with Daniel Radcliffe or Jonathan Taylor Thomas or something. I have no fucking idea. I was going to ask some ladies their former young guy crushes but I didn't really know how to approach that question.

"So hey, I was wondering if you could help me out with a blog I'm doing. I...uh...want to do a blog about children that end up becoming hotties. What? Where are you going?"

So I decided to just stick with it myself. Now naturally I couldn't do them all...pffft...so I chose a few that stuck out in my head. Here we go...I hope you feel disgusted with yourself by the end. *stiffles laugh*



Alexa Vega
Current Age: 21
When you first saw her? You would likely remember her the first time in Twister when she played the young Helen Hunt in 1996...she was 8. She was 13 by the time the above photo was taken in Spy Kids in 2001. Her last movie you might remember her in Repo! The Genetic Opera.

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Anna Paquin
Current Age: 27
When you first saw her? Should you be a cultured fuck, or someone who pays attention to the Oscars, you would have first seen Paquin here at age 11 in The Piano opposite Holly Hunter. Of course most of you would know her as Rogue from The X-Men. Hey, you dirty fucks, in all likely hood she was only 17 when she filmed that one.

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Christina Ricci
Current Age: 29
When you first saw her? When she played in The Addams Family as Wednesday in 1991. Yes boys and girls that means she was 11 years old. Now look at you. I see you looking at her. Shame on yourself. She played dirty lately but none so more than in Black Snake Moan. Of course you can get a lesbian fix in Monster too.

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Danielle Harris
Current Age: 32
When you first saw her? She was 11 years old in the 1998 Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers. Of course you may also remember her in Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead, City Slickers, and The Last Boy Scout. Where have you seen her recently? At 32 years old she reprised her role from the remake of Halloween in Halloween 2 this year. That would mean at 30 years old she played a high school student. Not bad huh?

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Emma Watson
Current Age: 19
When you first saw her? As Hermione Granger in Harry Potter and the Sorcerors Stone in 2001 at the age of 11. She is still doing that series. How did she celebrate by turning legal? She flashed her crotch for the paparazzi. Awww. Young hoochies in training. Taking a page out of the Britney Spears, Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton manual. At least she has a British accent.

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Kirsten Dunst
Current Age: 27
When you first saw her? Well, the first time you likely remember her (it was her "big" breakout performance) is from Interview With The Vampire circa 1994 when she was 12 years old? Does she look 12? She doesn't look 12 to me she looks 8. She looked like Shirley Temple. Than again Temple turned into a fucking fox when she got older...like Dunst.

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Lacey Chabert
Current Age: 27
When you first saw her? Well, if you are my age, or had an older sister or a mother who basically controlled the TV, you likely saw her on "Party of Five" when she was 12 years old. Now unlike a lot of these now older beauties, Lacey has kind of whored herself...and her now ample breasts...out. Doing shit like Black Christmas and Ghosts of Girlfriends Past...yeah.

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Lindsay Lohan
Current Age: 23
When you first saw her? The Parent Trap, 1998, when she was 12. Now some of you might balk at me for putting Lohan on this list. "Why the hell would you put a fucking insane, crackhead lesbian on this list?" Why? Because before she turned into the insane, crackhead lesbian that she now is Lohan actually looked pretty fucking good. So shut your whore mouth! Just take this picture as evidence.

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Natalie Portman
Current Age: 28
When you first saw her? The first time you saw her would be Leon: The Professional in 1994...she was 11 when she was cast for the film. Admit it. The scene where she does Madonna's "Like A Virgin" made you uneasy. Didn't it? Didn't it? Don't fucking lie of course it did. You can watch that movie now knowing full well that she is almost 30 and yet you will still feel uncomfortable when you watch that scene. You're supposed to. The scenes of sexual tension were intentionally put into the film. Fucked up huh? It's ok...it's ok.

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The Olsen Twins
Current Age: 23
When you first saw them? They were babies. Fucking babies!! That's right, you watched these girls fucking grow up on "Full House" since they were babies! Now look at em. You might say you don't think the Olsen Twins are attractive. That they are too full of cocaine, eating disorders, and semen to actually warrant being attractive. However, for being potential holocaust victims I say they look damn good. Well hello...that is exactly what they need to do. I see a resurgence in their acting career. They need to play holocaust victims. Cha-ching! Of course it also doesn't help they were at one point the richest teenagers in the world. That doesn't hurt.

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Thora Birch
Current Age: 27
When you first saw her? She was a wee 10 year old lass playing Harrison Fords daughter in Patriot Games. Where the above image is from. The scene is even the one where she is in front of the palace guards trying to get them to do something. Remember? Anyway, she pretty much shed her image of being a child when she did American Beauty and showed off her wonderful rack. I'm wondering though. If American Beauty came out in 1999 does that mean that we are looking at a 17 or possibly 16 year old Birch's breasts? Food for thought my friends...foood for thought.

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FOR SOME OF YOU OLDER FOLKS


Drew Barrymore
Current Age: 34
When you first saw her? That would either be E.T. in 1982 or Firestarter in 1984. When she was 7 and 9. Jeebus. I was 0 and 2. Anyway...I would totally do Drew. Sure we had those moments where she went all druggie out and her acting started sucking (psssst she did Poison Ivy) but she totally made a comeback like RDJ.

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Alyssa Milano
Current Age: 37
When you first saw her? She was 13 in 1985 when she did Commando. Since then she has been topless in a bunch of stuff. Had lesbian, straight, and bisexual sex in other stuff. Done bad sequels (pssst she was in Poison Ivy 2) and tried to bring life back into her career. I don't think it worked.

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FOR YOU REALLY OLD FOLKS


Jodie Foster
Current Age: 47
When you first saw her? She did a lot of TV even before she was 10 but one of her first films was Tom Sawyer and then Taxi Driver when she was 14. For some reason there were a lot of complaints about her playing a prostitute. I don't know why. Pffft...people.



Some of you might say there are more. I know this. For example Eliza Dushku is pretty foxy now and she was 14 when she did True Lies in 1994. Or you could mention Rachel Miner who was 10 when she played the younger Alice in Alice. Are you feeling dirty yet? You should...PERVERT!!

2 comments:

  1. Shadows of DakaronJanuary 2, 2010 at 10:01 AM

    Beautiful. Simply beautiful. I'd nail every last one of them.

    By the way, yes, those are 17 year old Thora Birch breasts in American Beauty. She had to sign a waiver, and have her parents on set to "safeguard her innocence" when she filmed that scene. And the set was cleared of everyone that wasn't necessary to the scene. So enjoy underage tittage, my friends. Enjoy.

    (I had the hugest crush on Danielle Harris and Alexa Vega. I'm still waiting for the inevitable "artsy film" where they strip down and go at it like rabid lesbian bunnies. In my living room.)

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