Monday, September 27, 2010

Typing On Pain Killers Makes For Fuzzy Words

So…here’s the deal.

Two weeks ago my throat fucked itself. I woke up with a fever, body aches, and the almost complete inability to swallow. My parental units forced me to go to the Minute Clinic to find out what was wrong. $92 for this lady to tell me I had strep…which I already knew. Tack on another $20 for the prescription for the antibiotics.

Did I get better? No…I got worse.

The week after I got off the antibiotics: My throat is still fucked. Every time I swallow I feel like what I’m drinking is going up my nose.

Cue to two days ago: I woke up to a slight pain in my throat, different from the whole not being able to swallow thing I was experiencing. Although I was able to swallow again.

One day ago: I wake up after three hours of sleep. That slight pain has now become a sharp pain that is encompassing my throat, jaw, and right ear.

Last night: Another three hours of sleep, only this time the sharp pain has become excruciating. Plus, the ability to not swallow is back.

On top of all of this I have had heartburn like a motherfucker. Like…wake up to take a pill, only to turn around and wake up a few hours later to chew some tums, only to wake up again to take another pill…bad.

So this morning I go back to the Minute Clinic, I wait an hour and a half, and the doctor tells me that she can’t help me. I need to go to my family doctor (who is $140 just to see her), or go to Urgent Care.

I go to Urgent Care. Before the doctor even sees me I’m out $107. On a plus side I don’t wait long, I’m in the back within 10 minutes. The doctor does her own strep test, I get a steroid shot, she writes me three prescriptions. Pain pills, steroids, stronger antibiotics. Then she realizes I don’t have health insurance. So she gives me some free samples of the antibiotics, doesn’t charge me for the strep test, and gives me a $15 off coupon for the antibiotics. Then I’m out another $32.20. By the way, I don’t have strep.

I go to the pharmacy to fill the prescriptions. $185 for 5 pills. The pain pills and steroids tack on another $8 and $6. When they realize I don’t have insurance the pharmacy gives me a discount, plus the $15 off coupon, which drops those antibiotics down to $135. Now, before you think about it, I’m allergic to amoxicillin and penicillin…pretty much eliminating any free antibiotics I can get. Oh, my mother also tells me why I’m allergic to amoxicillin. Doctors did it when I was 3. They had me taking it for almost a year, which fucked me up.

So the first time I get sick in over a year and its cost me $400. In fact, today alone just took my entire paycheck. Yes, my job doesn’t pay well. Yes, my hours got cut recently. Still…what the fuck?

A highlight through the sickness? I’ve gone on a few dates with this girl…who is…kinda awesome. In fact, the video was filmed on our first un-date date.

In other news...writing while doped on pain pills is...interesting.

Friday, September 17, 2010

Sexy Beasts, Random Thoughts, A Half-ass Poetry Thingie

I’ve been wanting to write for awhile now. Like, really write. I’ve thought about writing about how my personal life was going but every time I start to think about it I ask myself, Is this really interesting? Does anyone really give a fuck? And ultimately I decide, No…no one really gives a fuck. So I try to think of something more creative. Last night at work, I had this poem going through my head the entire time I was closing, it was called West Coast Girls and it was fucking flowing. Flowing. Like my mind was coming up with the next line as soon as the first one finished. I imagined it as a spoken word poem…a beat poem…which I’ve never really attempted before. I only wrote a little bit at work but lets see if I can get the pacing to express it…the original first.
I started writing this…
At work.
It really blows when the words begin to erupt out of my brain but I can’t put them to paper.
I have a handful of shrimp.
I’ve never read my poetry out loud but I imagine it read out loud. Poetry expressed. Not read in
(slow) I started writing this...
(slower) At work.
(fast) It really (stressed)blows(/stressed) when the words begin to erupt (stressed and staccato)out of my (emphasis on “my”) brain(/stressed) but I can’t put them to paper.
(slower) Instead… (kind of a questioning sound)
(slow) I have a handful of shrimp. (enunciate the P of shrimp)
(fast)I’ve never read my poetry (stressed)out loud(/stressed) but I imagine it read out loud. Poetry expressed (enunciate the D of expressed), not read in
(slower and enunciating syllables)contemplation.

Did that make any fucking sense? Meh…What happened you ask? Well, as soon as I clocked off, got home, and took a shower, it was gone. I did write a poem about GOD, as a challenge issued by a coworker, but I will not be sharing that one with you. I can tell you I wrote 40 lines in 5 minutes.

So my point…fuckheads…is what WOULD you like to hear about? What do you enjoy reading on here? Is it the personal stuff? The movie reviews? The book reviews? The random lists? I find it rather sad that my most read blog is hit by the keyword “Damn Perverts” and pictures of underage actresses. *sigh* I’ve said before, I write better when presented with a challenge.

Anyway, back to the Sexy Beasts bitches. We are on the next to final round…only one more to go:

FINAL ROUND (ok, next to final round. I really just felt like saying that)...READY?...FIGHT!

The Men

Eric Northman (Alexander Skarsgard)


Dracula (Gary Oldman)

The Ladies

Leeloo (Milla Jovovich)


Jean Grey (Famke Janssen)

Do you need a cheat sheet again? Tough shit I'm not giving you one. If you really can't remember 4 need to go back to school. NOW VOTE!

Thursday, September 9, 2010

Fuck You "Entertainment Weekly," Round 2

Thanks to the stat counter I know that the first round of this was my highest viewed blog post. Yet I yielded few replies on both here and facebook. However, in honor of those who participated, here's Round 2. Once again...shoot me a comment here, or on facebook, with your picks.

Eric Northman (Alexander Skarsgard)


Spock (Zachary Quinto)

Lily Munster (Yvonne de Carlo)


Leeloo (Milla Jovovich)

Wolverine (Hugh Jackman)


Dracula (Gary Oldman)

Jean Grey (Famke Janssen)


Erika (Sophia Myles)

Here you go the cheat sheet again:
Eric Northman (Alexander Skarsgard) vs Spock (Zachary Quinto)
Lily Munster (Yvonne de Carlo) vs Leeloo (Milla Jovovich)
Wolverine (Hugh Jackman) vs Dracula (Gary Oldman)
Jean Grey (Famke Janssen) vs Erika (Sophia Myles)

Monday, September 6, 2010

Fuck You "Entertainment Weekly," I Can Do It Myself

I mentioned on facebook that Entertainment Weekly did a little article entitled “Sexy Beasts.” The premise…I gather…wasn’t to determine who the most badass “beast” is, but who you would rather have a fuck fest marathon with. Immediately what popped out at me were two things. One…they have men against women. That in itself is totally horseshit. If you brought it down to the final being between a man and a woman…cool. But you can’t just throw that shit out in the middle of the game. That’s just foul. Two…they not only really suck at picking, but sometimes they had competitors from the same show or movie going against each other in early rounds.

They broke it into 4 categories.
TV Vampires and their Friends
Aliens, Machines, and their Ilk
Mutants, Monsters, and Creatures
Movie Vampires and Werewolves.

Each category had an initial 16 contestants…whittled down to 8...taken down to 4...then the final 2. The winner of that finally went against the winner of the other. In the end of the little competition the champion was some dude named Ian Somerhalder from The Vampire Diaries. I’ve never seen the show but the dude looks like a douche to me. Here’s what I do know…he beat out Alexander Skarsgard from True Blood, Hugh Jackman as Wolverine, and even Robert Pattinson from Twilight. How the fuck did he conquer that monster? But I digress from my original point, I just wanted to toss that out there to you.

A) Individual competition. They had Bill Compton vs. Alcide Herveaux of True Blood, Mystique vs. Jean Grey from X-Men, Wolverine and Cyclops from X-Men, Cameron from Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles vs. the T-X from Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines, Emmett Cullen vs. James from Twilight, and Louis vs. Lestat from Interview With the Vampire. That was just in the first round. In the second round some of them had to compete against their kind again…really? They couldn’t have figured out a better system than that? You separated Edward and Jacob from Twilight but combined Interview With the Vampire? Fuckheads.
B) Lack of creativity: Some of the competitors were Ms. Pac-Man and Three-Breasted Mutant Prostitute.
C) Fuck you. They had 4...count them 4...competitors from Twilight. Really? Really? Because I’m pretty sure Gary Oldman in Dracula is easily more attractive then any of them. Who, by the way, wasn’t even mentioned. Nor was Michael Sheen for Underworld. In the category of Aliens, Machines, and Their Ilk they had “Three-Breasted Mutant Prostitute” from Total Recall and “Martian Girl” from Mars Attacks. I’m honestly surprised they didn’t have Sam Worthington from Terminator: Salvation…yet they had Worf from Star Trek. I could continue.

So here’s how I’m going to play this. Fuck the voters. Fuck Entertainment Weekly’s dumbass attempt at a game. I’m going to make this simpler for you. I’ll remove the ones I deem unnecessary, put in the ones I think belong, and make the game a little more fair. Should any of you actually read this, feel free to vote. I’ll also tell you who I replaced…and why.

In TV Vampires and Their Friends
For male: Eric Northman (True Blood) vs. Spike (Buffy the Vampire Slayer)
Originally Spike lost in the first round against The Man in Black from Lost. I thought this was bullshit. Likewise Angel made it to the 3rd round…I thought this was bullshit too. Everyone knows Spike kicks ass. I also removed the numbnuts from The Vampire Diaries for pure manly reasons. They had it to where Jessica Hamby (True Blood) was going against Eric…I’ve already said I thought this was crap. So I’m putting it like this.
For Female: Jessica Hamby (True Blood) vs. Lily Munster (The Munsters)
Can you believe Yvonne De Carlo wasn’t even in the game? Shocking I say…shocking.

In Aliens, Machines, and Their Ilk
For Male: The Tenth Doctor (Doctor Who) vs. Spock (Star Trek)
This match up was in the 2nd round, but I think it would have been played out nicely in the 3rd round.
For Female: Leeloo (The Fifth Element) vs. Cameron (The Sarah Connor Chronicles)
This is actually the same battle that takes place in the 3rd round of the magazine. Originally it had Anna from V against the good Doctor, but, like I said, male vs. female at this point was a bitch move.

In Mutants, Monsters, and Creatures
For Male: Wolverine (X-Men) vs. Cole Turner/Belthazor (Charmed)
This is the match up in the magazine as well. I don’t really agree that they should have put the 2nd round fight against Wolverine and Deadpool, I think it should have been Deadpool vs. Cole Turner/Belthazor. The result might have been different, but I’m going to let the ladies decide that one.
For Female: Sil (Species) vs. Jean Grey (X-Men)
The magazine (or their craptastic voters I suppose) picked Grendel’s Mother (the CGI Angelina Jolie) from Beowulf to beat Sil in the 2nd round…but I call bullshit. They also had Storm beat Jean Grey in the 2nd round. I ain’t buying that one either. Halle Berry looked fucking stupid in X-Men, and her dialogue was coma inducing.

In Movie Vampires and Werewolves
For Male: Dracula (Dracula) vs. Louis (Interview With The Vampire)
The original match up had 4 people…two of which were the Twilight team fucks. You can guess how that went. Yep…the last round for them was between Edward and Jacob. So fuck you Twilight! I’m ditching both you bitches and putting in a truly great match up. I would have liked to have tossed Michael Sheen in here for Underworld, but I think this vs. is better.
For Female: Erika (Underworld) vs. Serafine Pigot (An American Werewolf in Paris)
Wanna know something? Neither of these ladies were even on the list. Selene was from Underworld, but not the much more attractive Erika. A little shout-out goes to Salma Hayek who was on the list for From Dusk Till Dawn but lost in the 2nd round. I’d also like to give a shout for Monica Bellucci as one of the brides in Dracula, who also wasn’t on the list.

So if I get enough votes I’ll keep this game going and take it to the next round. Here are your competitors…in pictures.

Eric Northman (Alexander Skarsgard)
Spike (James Marsters)

Jessica Hamby (Deobrah Ann Woll)
Lily Munster (Yvonne de Carlo)

Tenth Doctor (David Tennant)

Spock (Zachary Quinto)

Leeloo (Milla Jovovich)
Cameron (Summer Glau)

Wolverine (Hugh Jackman)
Cole Turner (Julian McMahon)

Sil (Natasha Henstridge)
Jean Grey (Famke Janssen)

Dracula (Gary Oldman)
Louis (Brad Pitt)

Erika (Sophia Myles)
Serafine Pigot (Julie Delpy)

If you're about to choose winners and don't feel like scrolling's a cheat sheet:
Eric Northman (Alexander Skarsgard) VS Spike (James Marsters)
Jessica Hamby (Deobrah Ann Woll) VS Lily Munster (Yvonne de Carlo)
Tenth Doctor (David Tennant) VS Spock (Zachary Quinto)
Leeloo (Milla Jovovich) VS Cameron (Summer Glau)
Wolverine (Hugh Jackman) VS Cole Turner (Julian McMahon)
Sil (Natasha Henstridge) VS Jean Grey (Famke Janssen)
Dracula (Gary Oldman) VS Louis (Brad Pitt)
Erika (Sophia Myles) VS Serafine Pigot (Julie Delpy)

Sunday, September 5, 2010

#28 The Dark Tower IV: Wizard and Glass

After finishing book four, it feels like a million miles ago that I started the book. In fact, I actually had to look back and see where it started. It picks up where the last one ended, the group (Roland, Eddie, Susannah, Jake, and Oy) hurtling towards death on the psycho train. The psycho train that wants riddles. I remember at the end of book three I was practically dying to find out what happened on the train. By the end of four I barely even recalled it happening. I don’t know, exactly, what this says about the book. Maybe that the train ended up being anti-climactic?

When the group embarks on their journey again you find that they are in a different reality…this one…is the reality in which The Stand occurs. You don’t really find this out until way later, near the end of the book in fact, when a dream is discussed, “‘The old woman from the dreams is in Nebraska. Her name is Abagail.’” he paused. “Then, down here, it says, ’The dark man is in the west. Maybe Vegas.’“ I understand that the main bad guy of Roland’s time is the same main bad guy here, but I’m beginning to question the intent. Why combine the characters? Why not individual distinct ones? Anyway, the group begins their journey again and then Roland tells him a story from his past.

I both dreaded, and looked forward to this. I looked forward to it because I was genuinely interested in Roland’s past…how he became who he is. We were already given the tale of him becoming a gunslinger, but we never really got to hear about his friends, or his love. This is the tale we are given. The friends first expedition in being gunslingers, and the love of Roland’s life. I dreaded it because exactly what I thought would happen…happened. It took away from the main narrative, the main focus of the books. So far it has been about building the group, the bonding between them, and their path to the dark tower. Suddenly we are ripped from this group and thrust into an entirely new situation. What happens? We lose interest in the main narrative. Now we are forced to join an entirely different group.

In the story of his past we are taken to a town. The boys (Roland, Cuthbert, and Alain) are given a meaningless task of cataloging for the alliance (the good guys). Soon they uncover a plot of a devious nature. This is mainly the story within the story…the main focus is Roland’s love affair with Susan. It is here that King gets to practice the art of a pedophile. I’ve mentioned this a hundred times, that he has some weird desire to write about youth sex. Roland is 14...Susan is 16. Yet he writes about them fucking like rabbits. The problem lies in the fact that Susan is promised to the Mayor of the quaint little town…who has paid for her virginity…and likes to hump her to orgasm through her clothes. Of course the real problem is an expelled gunslinger and his men…helping out the Flagg of Roland’s world. I won’t get into too much detail…because…well…the story itself is actually kind of boring, yet interesting, at the same time. He also gives entirely too much away through foreshadowing. Just when you become invested in a character, he lets something spill that tells you what is going to happen to that character. Its not very subtle either. Nothing is illusive here, he slaps you in the fucking face with it.

Something else happened when I finished Wizard and Glass, I lost my interest to keep reading. Through the first three books I constantly wanted to know what happened next. Now I kind of fit in a “meh” category. The other three finished on high notes…this one kind of landed with a thud. I’ll pick up the next book, but I’m not in a hurry.