Monday, September 6, 2010

Fuck You "Entertainment Weekly," I Can Do It Myself

I mentioned on facebook that Entertainment Weekly did a little article entitled “Sexy Beasts.” The premise…I gather…wasn’t to determine who the most badass “beast” is, but who you would rather have a fuck fest marathon with. Immediately what popped out at me were two things. One…they have men against women. That in itself is totally horseshit. If you brought it down to the final being between a man and a woman…cool. But you can’t just throw that shit out in the middle of the game. That’s just foul. Two…they not only really suck at picking, but sometimes they had competitors from the same show or movie going against each other in early rounds.

They broke it into 4 categories.
TV Vampires and their Friends
Aliens, Machines, and their Ilk
Mutants, Monsters, and Creatures
Movie Vampires and Werewolves.

Each category had an initial 16 contestants…whittled down to 8...taken down to 4...then the final 2. The winner of that finally went against the winner of the other. In the end of the little competition the champion was some dude named Ian Somerhalder from The Vampire Diaries. I’ve never seen the show but the dude looks like a douche to me. Here’s what I do know…he beat out Alexander Skarsgard from True Blood, Hugh Jackman as Wolverine, and even Robert Pattinson from Twilight. How the fuck did he conquer that monster? But I digress from my original point, I just wanted to toss that out there to you.

A) Individual competition. They had Bill Compton vs. Alcide Herveaux of True Blood, Mystique vs. Jean Grey from X-Men, Wolverine and Cyclops from X-Men, Cameron from Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles vs. the T-X from Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines, Emmett Cullen vs. James from Twilight, and Louis vs. Lestat from Interview With the Vampire. That was just in the first round. In the second round some of them had to compete against their kind again…really? They couldn’t have figured out a better system than that? You separated Edward and Jacob from Twilight but combined Interview With the Vampire? Fuckheads.
B) Lack of creativity: Some of the competitors were Ms. Pac-Man and Three-Breasted Mutant Prostitute.
C) Fuck you. They had 4...count them 4...competitors from Twilight. Really? Really? Because I’m pretty sure Gary Oldman in Dracula is easily more attractive then any of them. Who, by the way, wasn’t even mentioned. Nor was Michael Sheen for Underworld. In the category of Aliens, Machines, and Their Ilk they had “Three-Breasted Mutant Prostitute” from Total Recall and “Martian Girl” from Mars Attacks. I’m honestly surprised they didn’t have Sam Worthington from Terminator: Salvation…yet they had Worf from Star Trek. I could continue.

So here’s how I’m going to play this. Fuck the voters. Fuck Entertainment Weekly’s dumbass attempt at a game. I’m going to make this simpler for you. I’ll remove the ones I deem unnecessary, put in the ones I think belong, and make the game a little more fair. Should any of you actually read this, feel free to vote. I’ll also tell you who I replaced…and why.

In TV Vampires and Their Friends
For male: Eric Northman (True Blood) vs. Spike (Buffy the Vampire Slayer)
Originally Spike lost in the first round against The Man in Black from Lost. I thought this was bullshit. Likewise Angel made it to the 3rd round…I thought this was bullshit too. Everyone knows Spike kicks ass. I also removed the numbnuts from The Vampire Diaries for pure manly reasons. They had it to where Jessica Hamby (True Blood) was going against Eric…I’ve already said I thought this was crap. So I’m putting it like this.
For Female: Jessica Hamby (True Blood) vs. Lily Munster (The Munsters)
Can you believe Yvonne De Carlo wasn’t even in the game? Shocking I say…shocking.

In Aliens, Machines, and Their Ilk
For Male: The Tenth Doctor (Doctor Who) vs. Spock (Star Trek)
This match up was in the 2nd round, but I think it would have been played out nicely in the 3rd round.
For Female: Leeloo (The Fifth Element) vs. Cameron (The Sarah Connor Chronicles)
This is actually the same battle that takes place in the 3rd round of the magazine. Originally it had Anna from V against the good Doctor, but, like I said, male vs. female at this point was a bitch move.

In Mutants, Monsters, and Creatures
For Male: Wolverine (X-Men) vs. Cole Turner/Belthazor (Charmed)
This is the match up in the magazine as well. I don’t really agree that they should have put the 2nd round fight against Wolverine and Deadpool, I think it should have been Deadpool vs. Cole Turner/Belthazor. The result might have been different, but I’m going to let the ladies decide that one.
For Female: Sil (Species) vs. Jean Grey (X-Men)
The magazine (or their craptastic voters I suppose) picked Grendel’s Mother (the CGI Angelina Jolie) from Beowulf to beat Sil in the 2nd round…but I call bullshit. They also had Storm beat Jean Grey in the 2nd round. I ain’t buying that one either. Halle Berry looked fucking stupid in X-Men, and her dialogue was coma inducing.

In Movie Vampires and Werewolves
For Male: Dracula (Dracula) vs. Louis (Interview With The Vampire)
The original match up had 4 people…two of which were the Twilight team fucks. You can guess how that went. Yep…the last round for them was between Edward and Jacob. So fuck you Twilight! I’m ditching both you bitches and putting in a truly great match up. I would have liked to have tossed Michael Sheen in here for Underworld, but I think this vs. is better.
For Female: Erika (Underworld) vs. Serafine Pigot (An American Werewolf in Paris)
Wanna know something? Neither of these ladies were even on the list. Selene was from Underworld, but not the much more attractive Erika. A little shout-out goes to Salma Hayek who was on the list for From Dusk Till Dawn but lost in the 2nd round. I’d also like to give a shout for Monica Bellucci as one of the brides in Dracula, who also wasn’t on the list.

So if I get enough votes I’ll keep this game going and take it to the next round. Here are your competitors…in pictures.

Eric Northman (Alexander Skarsgard)
Spike (James Marsters)

Jessica Hamby (Deobrah Ann Woll)
Lily Munster (Yvonne de Carlo)

Tenth Doctor (David Tennant)

Spock (Zachary Quinto)

Leeloo (Milla Jovovich)
Cameron (Summer Glau)

Wolverine (Hugh Jackman)
Cole Turner (Julian McMahon)

Sil (Natasha Henstridge)
Jean Grey (Famke Janssen)

Dracula (Gary Oldman)
Louis (Brad Pitt)

Erika (Sophia Myles)
Serafine Pigot (Julie Delpy)

If you're about to choose winners and don't feel like scrolling's a cheat sheet:
Eric Northman (Alexander Skarsgard) VS Spike (James Marsters)
Jessica Hamby (Deobrah Ann Woll) VS Lily Munster (Yvonne de Carlo)
Tenth Doctor (David Tennant) VS Spock (Zachary Quinto)
Leeloo (Milla Jovovich) VS Cameron (Summer Glau)
Wolverine (Hugh Jackman) VS Cole Turner (Julian McMahon)
Sil (Natasha Henstridge) VS Jean Grey (Famke Janssen)
Dracula (Gary Oldman) VS Louis (Brad Pitt)
Erika (Sophia Myles) VS Serafine Pigot (Julie Delpy)


  1. I don't have too much of a problem with Ian Somerhold but that's because he was in Lost and at least he beat Twilight. As far as him beating Skarsgard, I know it seems like everyone watches True Blood and talks about it all the time, but I am curious what the audience numbers are for True Blood vs. Vampire Diaries (but not enough to actually start googling it) . . . I know the whole "it's on HBO" thing isn't as big of a deal as it used to be due to being able to view TV shows on DVD and online, but still, one is on a premium cable channel and one is on free channel so I would just assume Vampire Diaries might have a larger base?

    Of course, this was a rant, and I'm interrupting with an attempt at logic - the rest of the stuff you mention definitely sounds ill-conceived. And I would totally take Angel over Spike. And the fact that Spike and the Man in Black even ended up in the same category for the first round means that category was way too badly defined - "TV Vampires and Their Friends" - I wouldn't put MIB in that . . . unless they really just wanted to say "TV characters."

  2. What about Ashley Greene? She's super hot?

    My picks, moving on:
    1.Eric Northman
    2.Jessica Hambry
    3.Tenth Doctor
    5.Cole Turner
    6.Jean Grey
    Awesome bracket. Can't wait to see who wins.

  3. My picks:

    1.Eric Northman
    2.Jessica Hambry
    6.Jean Grey

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