So I watched Terminator: Salvation tonight for some fucking reason. Maybe its because I’m developing a man crush on Sam Worthington. Anyway, the movie got me thinking of how retarded they actually are. There is just so many holes in logic that you could likely drive a truck through them. The biggest one that stuck out for me in Salvation was this. If you can rip a fucking T-800’s head off with pretty much your bare hands why in the name of god would some human dude (who can’t do that) be worth giving your heart to? Really? Really? That makes no sense. He’s just a normal dude, he can’t do shit….except die. Oh but he’s the leader of the resistance. *Cough* You have a guy who can rip a T-800’s head off. Who is stronger, faster, and pretty much impossible to kill. Who is also a better fighter and it appears pretty intelligent. Totally…totally kill him. Dumbasses. So, in response to this I decided to re-write the original Terminator as I saw fit. Here ya go.
Terminator: Redux
EXT. STREET - NIGHT
Some punk kids are doing some punk shit, because, being the 80’s naturally the bad dudes have to be punk. Through the weird fucking time portal looking things comes the TERMINATOR, naturally, he is naked. He’ll kill the punk kids and take their clothes. Obviously one of these punks will have to be somewhat close to Arnold’s size because who isn’t close to Arnolds size right?
EXT. STREET - NIGHT
KYLE REESE comes through some fucking weird time portal looking thing. Of course, he is naked, because nothing inorganic can come through the portal. Let’s just forget the fact that if a Terminator can come through with metal that cotton certainly wouldn’t make it. He stands up, falls down, gets back up and makes his way around. Eventually he will find clothes off a homeless dude, and some kind of weapon that will in no way defend him against a Terminator.
INT. NIGHTCLUB - NIGHT
Kyle finds SARAH CONNOR in the nightclub. Duh! Where else would he find her? He runs away with her out of the building fearing that the Terminator will show up and kill her, thus destroying the future leader of the resistance.
INT. HOTEL - NIGHT
Kyle tells Sarah the story of the future. Of how she will have the child that will lead the resistance, of the Terminator sent back in time to kill her, of how he was sent back in time to save her, bullshit bullshit bullshit, yada yada yada. For some unknown reason Sarah falls for Kyle (maybe it’s the gruff voice and scars), they fuck like rabbits.
EXT. STREET - NIGHT
Sarah and Kyle walk down the street.
SARAH
So where’s this ginormous killer machine dude.
KYLE
I don’t know, he must not be onto us yet. Consider this a good thing.
Out of nowhere the Terminator (wearing a business suit) comes around the corner and runs into Kyle. Kyle backs up and shoots him. The Terminator looks at the hole missing out of the skin on his chest and looks at Kyle.
TERMINATOR
Now what the hell was that for?
KYLE
You’re here to kill Sarah, I’m here to stop you.
TERMINATOR
(laughing)
Now why in the world would I be here to kill her?
KYLE
(pausing)
Because she is going to give birth to the future leader of the resistance?
TERMINATOR
What good would that do?
KYLE
What do you mean?
Sarah paces back and forth, checking out the muscles on the Terminator.
SARAH
So are you…anatomically correct?
TERMINATOR
I am. Now back to your question…I’m sorry, what’s your name again?
KYLE
Kyle Reese…John Connors best friend?
TERMINATOR
Ohhh right, right. Do you two want to get a cup of coffee or something? I can’t drink any but standing out here on the street makes me self conscious.
SARAH
Sure!
INT. COFFEE SHOP - NIGHT
The Terminator sits on one side of the table, Kyle and Sarah on the other. Sarah is playing with the spoon in her coffee cup, staring at the Terminator. Kyle looks around nervously, his coffee untouched.
TERMINATOR
Ok, so, in answer to your question. Skynet determined that it would basically be pointless for us to come back and kill Sarah.
KYLE
What?
TERMINATOR
Well, logically you can’t really change history that way. I mean, if John wasn’t the leader then someone else would be. Right? I mean, what, did he have some magical powers or something? Was he a Highlander? No.
SARAH
So I’m not having the future leader of a resistance?
TERMINATOR
I don’t know, you might, if you don’t die in child birth or some crazy car accident. I mean, a lot can happen in nine months.
KYLE
So if you’re not here to kill Sarah why are you here?
TERMINATOR
Well that’s easy. I came back to build more of me. Why waste the opportunity to travel back in time? Duh! I mean, really? When all of these possibilities of how you can really change time are right in front of your face why settle for the obvious?
KYLE
More of you?
TERMINATOR
Well, not more of me. The T-X.
KYLE
T-X?
TERMINATOR
Well technically she would come after me, and after the T-1000. But we figured what the hell, why waste all that effort when we can just make the best the first time. I mean…they should have sent her back this time but then I wouldn’t have gotten to look all badass in a suit.
SARAH
So…can you get an erection?
Both Kyle and the Terminator just stare at her.
KYLE
She?
TERMINATOR
Ohhh yeah. She’s hot too.
INT. MANUFACTURING PLANT - NIGHT
The Terminator guides Kyle and Sarah through the manufacturing plant. Showing off some cool new weapons that are from the future, some new vehicles, and all the robots he made to create said things. In walks the T-X. She casually strolls over and looks at Kyle and Sarah.
KYLE
So is she here to kill Sarah?
T-X
Sarah?
TERMINATOR
He keeps going on about the horny bitch that looks like a man standing across from you.
T-X
Ohhh. Right.
SARAH
I don’t look like a man.
KYLE
She doesn’t look like a man.
TERMINATOR
Hey, I’m not the one that slept with her.
KYLE
What the…Anyway, so why make a bunch of her?
T-X
Ohhh. That’s easy, so I can eradicate the population of Earth.
Kyle pulls out his gun.
KYLE
I can’t let you do that.
Without hesitation the T-X kills Kyle. Sarah screams and blood gets all over the Terminators suit. He looks at the T-X and shakes his head.
TERMINATOR
Really? I just got this suit.
T-X
Sorry, I’m sorry. He had a gun.
TERMINATOR
And just what in the hell would that do to you?
SARAH
Are you going to kill me now?
The Terminator and T-X laugh.
T-X
No, we think it would be funny to let you live.
TERMINATOR
Just don’t get all buff and shit. You’ll look even more like a man, we still wouldn’t believe you could kick anyone’s ass, and you’ll totally kill your career.
SARAH
Really?
TERMINATOR
Ohhh yeah.
THE END
EXT. STREET - NIGHT
Some punk kids are doing some punk shit, because, being the 80’s naturally the bad dudes have to be punk. Through the weird fucking time portal looking things comes the TERMINATOR, naturally, he is naked. He’ll kill the punk kids and take their clothes. Obviously one of these punks will have to be somewhat close to Arnold’s size because who isn’t close to Arnolds size right?
CUT TO:
EXT. STREET - NIGHT
KYLE REESE comes through some fucking weird time portal looking thing. Of course, he is naked, because nothing inorganic can come through the portal. Let’s just forget the fact that if a Terminator can come through with metal that cotton certainly wouldn’t make it. He stands up, falls down, gets back up and makes his way around. Eventually he will find clothes off a homeless dude, and some kind of weapon that will in no way defend him against a Terminator.
CUT TO:
INT. NIGHTCLUB - NIGHT
Kyle finds SARAH CONNOR in the nightclub. Duh! Where else would he find her? He runs away with her out of the building fearing that the Terminator will show up and kill her, thus destroying the future leader of the resistance.
CUT TO:
INT. HOTEL - NIGHT
Kyle tells Sarah the story of the future. Of how she will have the child that will lead the resistance, of the Terminator sent back in time to kill her, of how he was sent back in time to save her, bullshit bullshit bullshit, yada yada yada. For some unknown reason Sarah falls for Kyle (maybe it’s the gruff voice and scars), they fuck like rabbits.
CUT TO:
EXT. STREET - NIGHT
Sarah and Kyle walk down the street.
So where’s this ginormous killer machine dude.
I don’t know, he must not be onto us yet. Consider this a good thing.
Out of nowhere the Terminator (wearing a business suit) comes around the corner and runs into Kyle. Kyle backs up and shoots him. The Terminator looks at the hole missing out of the skin on his chest and looks at Kyle.
Now what the hell was that for?
You’re here to kill Sarah, I’m here to stop you.
(laughing)
Now why in the world would I be here to kill her?
(pausing)
Because she is going to give birth to the future leader of the resistance?
What good would that do?
What do you mean?
Sarah paces back and forth, checking out the muscles on the Terminator.
So are you…anatomically correct?
I am. Now back to your question…I’m sorry, what’s your name again?
Kyle Reese…John Connors best friend?
Ohhh right, right. Do you two want to get a cup of coffee or something? I can’t drink any but standing out here on the street makes me self conscious.
Sure!
CUT TO:
INT. COFFEE SHOP - NIGHT
The Terminator sits on one side of the table, Kyle and Sarah on the other. Sarah is playing with the spoon in her coffee cup, staring at the Terminator. Kyle looks around nervously, his coffee untouched.
Ok, so, in answer to your question. Skynet determined that it would basically be pointless for us to come back and kill Sarah.
What?
Well, logically you can’t really change history that way. I mean, if John wasn’t the leader then someone else would be. Right? I mean, what, did he have some magical powers or something? Was he a Highlander? No.
So I’m not having the future leader of a resistance?
I don’t know, you might, if you don’t die in child birth or some crazy car accident. I mean, a lot can happen in nine months.
So if you’re not here to kill Sarah why are you here?
Well that’s easy. I came back to build more of me. Why waste the opportunity to travel back in time? Duh! I mean, really? When all of these possibilities of how you can really change time are right in front of your face why settle for the obvious?
More of you?
Well, not more of me. The T-X.
T-X?
Well technically she would come after me, and after the T-1000. But we figured what the hell, why waste all that effort when we can just make the best the first time. I mean…they should have sent her back this time but then I wouldn’t have gotten to look all badass in a suit.
So…can you get an erection?
Both Kyle and the Terminator just stare at her.
She?
Ohhh yeah. She’s hot too.
CUT TO:
INT. MANUFACTURING PLANT - NIGHT
The Terminator guides Kyle and Sarah through the manufacturing plant. Showing off some cool new weapons that are from the future, some new vehicles, and all the robots he made to create said things. In walks the T-X. She casually strolls over and looks at Kyle and Sarah.
So is she here to kill Sarah?
Sarah?
He keeps going on about the horny bitch that looks like a man standing across from you.
Ohhh. Right.
I don’t look like a man.
She doesn’t look like a man.
Hey, I’m not the one that slept with her.
What the…Anyway, so why make a bunch of her?
Ohhh. That’s easy, so I can eradicate the population of Earth.
Kyle pulls out his gun.
I can’t let you do that.
Without hesitation the T-X kills Kyle. Sarah screams and blood gets all over the Terminators suit. He looks at the T-X and shakes his head.
Really? I just got this suit.
Sorry, I’m sorry. He had a gun.
And just what in the hell would that do to you?
Are you going to kill me now?
The Terminator and T-X laugh.
No, we think it would be funny to let you live.
Just don’t get all buff and shit. You’ll look even more like a man, we still wouldn’t believe you could kick anyone’s ass, and you’ll totally kill your career.
Really?
Ohhh yeah.
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