Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Zombie Strippers

So, from Gas Stop Girls to Zombie Strippers, does it appear that I’m in some weird TNA fix? You would think, except that I also watched Terminator: Salvation and Angels & Demons yesterday, both decidedly TNA lacking. Anyways, so wanna know what Zombie Strippers is? How about the opening line from a news clip? I guess I should do this huh? *SPOILERS*

George W Bush has won his fourth consecutive term as president, taking Florida, which due to a glitch in the Jeb B voting terminals, tallied one single vote for President Bush and Vice President Schwarzenegger. Bush's presidency was unanimously declared legally binding by the Supreme Court as well as "totally cool" by Supreme Justice Jenna Bush who subsequently set in motion another Supreme Kegger. Following the landslide victory, a constitutional amendment banning public nudity was implemented. Shortly thereafter, President Bush dissolved Congress, claiming it was "cramping his style." American Troops continue to be strung thin due to the still raging wars in Iraq, Afghanistan, Syria, Iran, Lebanon, Libya, Pakistan, Venezuela, France, Canada, and Alaska.

So how does the rest of the plot seep out? Well the US creates a virus or some shit that can turn soldiers into zombies. Why would you do this? Because of all the wars that they are involved in they don’t have enough soldiers, zombie soldiers won’t die, zombie soldiers don’t need food, etc. Naturally at the place where they were testing it the virus broke out and a shit ton of zombies ensues. So, they bring in a group of soldiers that just stopped Armageddon…no shit, the Lieutenant killed the devil with a sharp stick. One of the soldiers, the rookie, gets bitten and runs away. He ends up at the strip club, where he becomes infected and bites Jenna Jameson’s throat out. She turns into a zombie, walks up on stage, and starts stripping. From there its basically shenanigans until the patrons they are infecting decide to revolt and then the military shows up and kills them all…what, it could happen.


There are some, Robert Englund, fucking Freddy Krueger, plays the strip club owner. He’s funny in an old school Martin Short kind of way and just really walks away with the whole fucking movie. It doesn’t hurt that he’s also the best actor in the movie. Jameson’s character reads Nietzsche. Tito Ortiz plays a chicken shit bouncer (literally, he’s the only character to run away in the whole movie). The “new” girl who is “virginal and pure” works the pole like she’s been doing it for awhile. Its only one scene, and she doesn’t get nude, but it is fantastic. Jenna bites a dude’s dick off. Two strippers have a dance off and then resort to fighting which involves Jenna shooting ping pong balls and then pool balls out her vagina. You get to hear Englund say “Suck on this you undead motherfuckers!” Nudity hits at around 14 minutes in. Zombie strippers come in at around 30 minutes. Did I mention blood covered tits? Lots of blood covered tits.

Written and Directed by:

Jay Lee, the guy does a lot of little indie b horror films and he appears to like to keep the same girls too, most of the women in the films have done other work with him. The Slaughter, The Affairs of God, The House With 100 Eyes.

The Cast:
Robert Englund
-A Nightmare on Elm Street

Jenna Jameson
-Please Cum Inside Me
-Camera Sutra

Penny Drake
-The 40 Year Old Virgin
-Sin City

Whitney Anderson
-random TV
-Porky’s: The College Years

Jennifer Holland
-The Sisterhood
-American Pie: Book of Love

Shamron Moore
-Bad News Bears (2005)
-Pledge This!

Jeannette Sousa
-Urban Legends: Final Cut
-Cruel Intentions 2

Carmit Levite
-The Englishman
-The Slaughter

And introducing newcomer Roxy Saint…who actually does the music for some of the key scenes in the movie. Like Goth rock.

If you’re in the mood for cheesy b grade horror. Boobs. Blood. A guy getting the top of his head ripped off. A pretty girl who thinks she’s ugly get shot. Or just pool balls shooting across a room out of a porn stars vagina. Watch it!

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