Monday, July 27, 2009

Wanna Know What the Definition of Shit TV is?

So there is a piece of shit show out there, that apparently people are watching (enough that it has a 7.7 rating on IMDB), called “Merlin.” Allow me to continue, please.

First is the cast, they’re all pretty much crap. Let’s start with characters you would know.
Arthur (Bradley James) what’s he done? Nothing much.
Merlin (Colin Morgan) nothing much but an episode of “Dr. Who.” You will for some reason see a recurring theme on that one.
Gwen (Angel Coulby) “Talk to Me,” “Dr. Who.”
Morgana (Katie McGrath) “The Tudors.” She also kind of looks like Keira Knightley so that's a plus. (the picture is of her and Gwen)
Nimueh (Michelle Ryan) “Bionic Woman,” “Dr. Who.”
Those are the more familiar as far as the Arthur legend. How about
Uther Pendragon (Anthony Head) “Dr. Who,” and yes, Giles on fucking “Buffy The Vampire Slayer.”
Gaius (Richard Wilson) some 95 credits to his name, yes, including “Dr. Who.”
Sorry I laid the cast out there like that but I wanted to get it out of the way before I continue.

I’ve watched two episodes of this fucking atrocity just in case there was actually something redeeming in it despite the fact that they are bastardizing the fucking legend. So far, nope. The last episode I watched was actually Episode Five, Lancelot. With Lancelot being played by Santiago Cabrera who most notably played Isaac Mendez on “Heroes.” How are they bastardizing it? Well…lets begin.

The first thing that noticeably struck me was that they are all young, by all I mean all of the King Arthur people. They are literally all the same age. That includes Arthur and Merlin (note the picture).

Merlin is no longer the wise old wizard…he’s a sorcerer now. Ohh, by the way, magic is outlawed so he is not allowed to openly practice his gift and instead uses it every once in awhile usually to negative effects. Gaius is his mentor and otherwise protector to slap him on the wrist when he does something wrong or find him a spell that may need to be used. Whatever. So to continue.

Nimueh is an evil bitch, gone is her being Merlin’s lover.

Morgana is actually really nice and they have some little love connection going on between her and…Arthur.

Guinevere, oh, sorry, Gwen, is a peasant who waits on Morgana and is having a little love connection with…Merlin.

Arthur is a spoiled fucking rich kid, Merlin is his servant.

In this episode, which was basically an attempted rip off of A Knights Tale, Lancelot comes through but can’t compete to become one of Arthur’s famed knights because he is not a noble so Merlin forges the noble documents. Lancelot becomes a knight, only to be found out and denied his knighthood, whereby he is released by Arthur and presently slaws the evil monster. Only to still be denied knighthood. Its fucking retarded. They even tried to toss in there a little longing between Guinevere, sorry, Gwen, and Lancelot.

Considering “Kings” (which by the way I guess I watched the series finale today and it was still awesome) is getting shit on, why the fuck are people watching this show? The graphics are terrible, I’m talking worse then another one of my favorites “Legend of the Seeker.” You can tell its horrible cgi, like SyFy worthy cgi. The script is crap. The directing (despite the fact that there are several directors) is childish.

You should see the fight scene between Lancelot and Arthur, the fight between them with sticks was better then the one between them with swords. The slow mo during those fights? Fuck, at least the slow mos in “Legend of the Seeker” heighten Bridget Regan’s sex appeal.

All the acting is simply terrible, yes, even Anthony Head is terrible. Every time I see him on the screen I cringe for what is about to come. Why are people watching this?

Give me the 1998 “Merlin,” top that motherfucker. Check out the cast on that bitch:
Sam Neil
Helena Bonham Carter
John Gielgud
Rutger Hauer
James Earl Jones
Miranda Richardson
Isabella Rossellini
Martin Short
Lena Headey
Jesus Christ why don’t you talk about a good fucking cast for a TV miniseries. I loved that shit. That miniseries was not short of amazing.

While looking that up I found that Sam Neil and Miranda Richardson reprised their roles for another TV miniseries called “Merlin’s Apprentice” in 2006. Going to have to check that out. Even though I have no doubt it won’t be as good as the 98’ “Merlin” I also have no doubt that it will be better then this piece of shit “Merlin.”

My work here is done.


  1. The '98 cast of Merlin is full of awesome. Why have I not seen it? How could I have missed it? Thanks, Deistbrawler, I'm off to look for it now.

  2. Your comments may be,but in my opinion 'are not', relevant. You let yourself down and clearly explain why you are a failure with your totally un-necessary foul language. Just what are you trying to prove? You impress no one!

    Your description of the cast and programme are better suited to yourself.