Friday, October 9, 2009

If My Eyeballs Could Explode, They Would

Fuck you Snath you got me thinking. Well…you…and the fact that I just watched the last episode of “Glee” and fuck me if that show didn’t wire me. I don’t know if it was because the kids were basically taking meth (which I did in HS, yay Adderall) or because watching the girls dance made me all tingly in the pants. Anyway, I got to thinking.

First I got to thinking that rather then writing this I should be trying to sleep, but I know I won’t be asleep for another hour or so anyway (I haven’t fallen asleep before 5am in awhile). Of course it could be because I don’t have a cigarette to smoke to calm me down…fucking hate being broke. Right, second. The second thing was his comment on my blog about the Jibette. The saddest part of the whole thing is that she was never dishonest with me and never lead me on in any way. I broke my own damn heart because I was too in love with an e-person to see what was in front of my face. Yeah thanks…thanks a lot. The reason why that comment got to me actually revolves around several things that constantly go through my head.

ONE: She still hasn’t given me her cell phone number. Shit, I fucking gave Trouble my number last night, I had a text within minutes, she got a dick roll within seconds after that. Yay for being drunk! I gave the Jibette my number around…fuck it…I looked it up…August 4th. I have yet to get a message or a phone call.

TWO: not only have I invited her to come here. I’ve offered to go to her. Granted I asked her to give me forewarning so I could save up the money to actually afford a plane ticket, but still. I haven’t come any closer to getting a response from that either.

THREE: I’ve written her two poems…one you can read…the other I haven’t posted. I haven’t really gotten a response from either of those, more than say, “I like it.”

FOUR: I talk about her a lot. Whether that be on here, to my friends, fuck, even on face book. I asked her once if she talked about me. Her response. “I plead the fifth.”

FIVE: I don’t know, I figure if I’m not wasting my time I would have gotten something. Fuck. Even that text message I’ve been wanting for months now.
Now I know its not easy for her. Like I’ve said before she has had a really fucked up year. Shit I can’t get into. She has even told me not to get my hopes up. I can’t help it though. I just wish I could get something from her. Around a month after we started talking I thought I was being too overwhelming. I decided I wouldn’t message her, chat with her, or send her a comment. I was going to cut myself off. I lasted…I think…three hours. Yeah. I want to try it again. You fuckers keep me strong. I want to not message her, chat with her, or leave her a comment until she approaches me first. Whether that be any of the above. I noticed she never talks to me first (unless a conversation is ongoing). I don’t really know how ya’ll would keep me strong. I just hope you do. I want to know that I am not wasting my time. That once again I’m not opening and giving my heart for no goddamn fucking reason. *sigh* Fuck. I’m a stubborn fucker…I can’t be stubborn without something to be stubborn for. Other notes?

Umm I’m going to work in the morning and then go work again for some more extra cash. I’m hoping to go out Saturday night, maybe be able to buy something to eat too. I don’t care if its fucking Taco Bell. I’m getting tired of eating mixed up food concoctions that came out of my fucking ass. I will also be working the next 10 days straight. WooHoo! While that sucks that also means I’m going to have a nice fat paycheck. Which means I may be able to go do things I actually want to do.

I’ve been wanting to go hiking for about two weeks now that the weather has been nice, haven’t had the money for parking. I could always fake the parking…I like karma. Look at me, talking about karma when around a month ago, maybe a month and a half, I slashed a neighbors tires.

Wait, let me explain.

So we don’t have much parking in front of our complex. When people have friends over/parties it gets even worse, I end up having to park way the fuck away from my building. Well someone new moved in, complete with brand new car, brand new car that they liked to take up two parking spots with when they parked. Well, after coming home around two dozen times and having to park in the damn boonies because assfuck couldn’t park in a single space…I came home one night from the bar, drunk, saw I couldn’t park yet again, grabbed the hunting knife from my car, and slashed two of their tires. You have to slash two. With one they have a spare, two they have to get new tires. Yeah…karma. I’m still waiting for that one to come back around. BTW, I forgot how loud it is when you slash a tire.

Then again I’m starting to really not believe in karma. I would do (especially in relationships) everything I can for some people. Everything. What have I gotten in return? Jack, fucking, shit. Fuck you karma…right in your tight little ass.

My friend Kim commented on one of my updates on face book with this: The majority of your posts are about you either being drunk and unhappy or unhappy and wanting to be drunk. Go out and do something that makes you happy! I really don’t know what I can do that would make me happy. Nope…not really. What do I really want to do? Travel this fucking world. See everything that I can possibly see. So why not go do something that would make me happy? Gee, I don’t fucking know, MONEY! That nice flaming pile of shit that effects everyone on this goddamn planet except for the rich.

Know who I hate? People like fucking Paris Hilton. Never had to really work a goddamn day in her fucking life, where does she go for vacation? Anywhere she fucking wants to. According to USA Today “Roethlisberger's contract was renegotiated in the spring and the deal included $25.2 million in signing bonus and a base wage of $2.5 million. His salary goes up to $4.75M next year, to $8.05M in 2010 and stays at $11.6M each year thereafter through 2014. He'll earn $12.1M in 2015, the contract's end year, when he will be 35.” He is the same fucking age as me. How many months a year does he actually “work?” I played football…I still wouldn’t consider that work. You got fuckers in every gym that workout harder and longer then a lot of pro-football players. According to MSNBC in 2007 “Britney [Spears] reportedly earns $737,868 per month.” Really? So in one month she could make what would take me around 37 years to make at my current salary. Oh, by the way, they are both the same fucking age as me…but who would make their food if they went to a restaurant? Fuckers like me. How much do actors make? I don’t know if Big Ben or Spears are considered “entertainers,” but if they are that means they also don’t fucking pay the same taxes I do. Assholes. Really? What actually makes these fucks better then us? Luck. That’s it.

Sure they try, but did Britney try when her parents took her to audition for the “Mickey Mouse Club?” How about Big Ben before he probably realized the only future he had would be football? How about Paris…yeah…fuck Paris. I’m talking about trying like you do every time you go for a goddamn job interview. Every time you struggle to pay rent. Every time you go just a little deeper into debt. Am I jealous? Fuck yes. You’re goddamn right I’m jealous.

I should stop…not only am I getting depressed…I’m getting pissed. I almost got in a fist fight tonight. I would have beat that fucker to a goddamn pulp. I’m glad my head was still cool enough to walk away.


  1. First, I want to say that I had no clue what a dick roll was!

    Second, I agree with your friend. A majority of your posts, here and on FB, are overwhelmingly negative. You're going through some shit, so it's understandable. Ride it out and see what happens.
    As for the entitled rich brats, fuck 'em. They can keep their money and fancy shit, but I wouldn't trade places with them. More money brings more problems. The kind of fucking problems that make all the shitty things you think you have going on seem like a walk in the park.
    As for everything else, talk to someone, doll. A professional someone, an impartial someone, anyone! We're your friends and we can help only so far. When your depression starts turning into anger, that's a problem.
    In any event, you've got my number now, so call me if you want to talk...

  2. i have to agree with charissa: you come off like a bad penny in a pocket of my internet change. doesn't bother me though, every penny has some worth.
    i think i may be your polar opposite, as my positivity sometimes drives those close to me to insanity. it's just how i was raised.

    seriously though, an impartial professional is the answer you're looking for. talking things out with someone trained to listen, really listen, can totally help you get your thoughts and feelings in a more managable state.
    yes, it's scary at first, but you wouldn't believe how helpful a little therapy can be.

  3. Sugar, I'm going to agree with your friend as well, and with Trouble & gp up there. I don't know you well, but I think you're an awesome guy, and you're smart, and good lookin' to boot... but nobody is going to see that past your anger. It radiates from you. I can feel it from across the country! It's bound to put some people off who can't handle that kind of thing.

    And this: I really don’t know what I can do that would make me happy. ...this makes me sad. Try stuff. You think you need money for everything, but you don't. You can hang out with friends without going out to the bar. I have friends I used to go to the bar with all the time. Several of our job situations changed, and we can't all afford to go out to the bar all the time. So, we go once in a while. The rest of the time, we get together at somebody's apartment, and we watch movies, or we play board games, or we just hang out and talk. It's not boring, I promise. These people are my friends for a reason: because I like them. I like talking to them. Sometimes, we go for a "day trip" somewhere: we drive somewhere relatively local and hang out there. Your local library or newspaper probably has a listing of events that are free or cheap; check it out. If it sounds even remotely interesting, do it. Sometimes, do it even if it doesn't: It might turn out to be. And what do you have to lose? A couple of hours of your time? You don't even "lose" that if you find something you like!

    Anyway. I ramble on and on, but I mean well. I would like you to be happy, or at least not miserable. I agree with the above about therapy as well. And whenever you feel like texting the girl, text someone else instead. I'll send you my cell, you can text me. (I'm not much of a talker, but I do enjoy texting.) I don't want to tell you something you don't want to hear, but she seems to have pretty much told you she's not interested in more than being friends. I know it's easier said than done, but the best thing to do is accept it and let it go. Who knows? Maybe you will, and maybe she'll come around. But you've got to stop beating yourself up over it.

    Seriously, this is the longest blog comment of my life. You can delete it if you want. I would totally understand. Also, feel free to not listen to a word I say. I take no offense to such things.

  4. Dude, I'm so sorry. I really didn't mean to put all that shit in your head. Like I said, I wasn't trying to discourage you.

    That being said, from what you've shared here it seems like maybe a little waiting game might be a good thing. Just to see what happens.

    As for your negativity, I was just talking to my wife today about whether or not I should maybe consult some sort of professional for my own issues with negativity and the like. I think it might be good for you too, just to maybe have someone to talk to that can intelligently respond and maybe prod your mind in the way it has to go.

    The key is to find a good therapist, that knows how to listen and then make suggestions that truly help you see yourself and your problems in a new light. I've had unsuccessful experiences in the past (after my dad died) with therapists and counselors that should not have chosen that particular career path. You also have to want to feel better and want to get help, like they say about addicts and recovery. If you're not ready, you'll constantly be fighting yourself and rationalizing away any potential progress.