I’ve had the song "The Worst Day Since Yesterday" by Flogging Molly stuck in my head for a week now, it goes something like this.
Well I know, I miss more than hit
With a face that was launched to sink
An' I seldom feel, the bright relief
It's been the Worst Day Since Yesterday
If there's one thing I have said
Is that the dreams I once had, now lay in bed
As the four winds blow, my wits through the door
It's been the Worst Day Since Yesterday
Not because I’ve been overly depressed more then usual (because I actually haven’t). Its just been in my head.
I mean that when I say it non-believers. I have money in the bank, I’ve actually spent very little time at home this week, and I’ve been able to go out and do things…these are all things that make me happy. Even though I was in an ill mood yesterday (I think it has something to do with not having a day off yet) I still went and picked up a friend from the airport and then stayed downtown to hang out and drink. I hate downtown. Yet even sitting through rush hour traffic and having to drive the fucking shit ass roads of downtown Atlanta I never lost my good mood. It stuck with me the whole night. It has even stayed with me most of today too. On top of just being out of the house I had a great conversation with Steven last night.
For once I had a serious "living" conversation. I have them all the time online but usually never in person. The conversations in person with me tend to stay light and casual. It was just a conversation of the value of "outside" friends. It’s the friend that no one else really knows, the one that you can tell anything to, the one that doesn’t judge you like the rest of your friends might (just because they are around you more, the rest of your friends that is). For him, it was a buddy of his I met last night for the first time…they’ve known and talked to each other for around 4 years now. For me, it is a girl I had a crush on in high school and really started talking to again this year…she is a shy person, so I’ll call her JM.
By the way…for those of my social networking friends…you may have noticed that when I have an update that is rather depressing (or even funny for that matter, well, at least I think it is) I get generally four types of comments. The genuine "I’m sorry," the people who actually see the humor and go with it, the people who actually make fun of the fact that I am depressed, or…this one: today: I'm depressed so I think I'll drown my sorrows in lady liquor.tomorrow: I'm depressed so I think I'll drown my sorrows in lady liquor.the next day: I'm depressed so I think I'll drown my sorrows in lady liquor.30 years later: I'm depressed so I think I'll drown my sorrows in lady liquor.30 years + 1 day: dead= a fucking waste of someone who could have been spectacular. Now answer me a question. Do you really think. If I am severely depressed at the time that I make an update that I want to read that? Or the four comments after that not only complimenting it but continuing? By the way, the last comment came from the roomie’s married jobless girlfriend who I’ve already told to stop commenting on my shit. You know…I may just delete everyone off my face book save for Pajiba people and a select other group of friends.
I got new glasses Monday (because I stepped on my old pair), while it cost me a good bit I’m alright with that. I’m joining the Cannonball Read this year because, well, I haven’t actually "read" anything in a long time. Sure a book here or there, but considering back in school I was reading 6 novels a week, I feel like I’m not really reading. I may even go for the 100...fuck 52. Although my first review will be for a book written by one of my old prof’s called Animal Rights & Pornography, mainly because I want ya’ll to read it. I’ve watched some good movies this week, among them Public Enemies and a Japanese film Ashura-jô no hitomi (which I found highly entertaining). Then again I’ve watched some bad ones, I’m looking at you Fighting. Oh, the trailer for The Expendables leaked today and that gave me wood. Seeing Jet Li and Dolph Lundgren fight is just going to make me die in the theatre.
Tonight is the first night I’ve been home since Saturday…shit…maybe I should go out.
Oooooo, I grabbed the meanest little fucking kitten I have ever met in my life last night. The bartender had picked up this stray kitten and put some food and water for it in her car. Well, when she came back out she found that the cat had crawled up beside the dashboard behind the interior side panel. As I was walking into the bar they were trying to take the glove box out to get to the kitten. I told them to stop and reached up in there and pulled the cat out. That little motherfucker (who fit in the palm of my hand) bit me seven times and clawed the fuck out of two of my fingers. She’s naming it Lucifer.
So I know I said I wasn’t going to talk to the Jibette anymore. I made it two days. Yeah, I know, shoot me. Anyway, she confirmed what ya’ll were saying. She said she likes talking to me, but that she doesn’t see it going anywhere nor does she ever want to meet up on purpose. Color me sad. It seems everyone saw that coming but me. Anyway, I’m trying to move past that. While I still haven’t found anyone I’m interested in I’m going to start looking…again. I realized I haven’t been on a real date in over a year. If you count the relationship before that I haven’t been on a real date in almost two years. Fucked up huh?
I also heard that Saturday night I almost got in a fight with my boss…because he called me uneducated…I don’t remember (I was wasted) but they said I got in his face and then punched a door. I’m not an angry drunk, I never even got in a fight when I was a bouncer, he must have said something to really piss me off.
Anyway, seeing as how that poem I wrote didn’t seem to mean that much I’m going to share it with you now. Why not right? Am I going to go out tonight? I am really debating that now.
A Woman
There’s something to be said about a woman,
Who from two time zones away,
Can liven up my mood,
And brighten up my day.
Who with a simple written "hello"
Can make my demons disappear,
And can make my heart turn mellow.
Something to be said about a woman.
That can make me wait for hours just to see that she’s online.
That can make me want to improve my life.
That can give me hope for a future.
That can erase the tentacles of depression.
That can make my worries go away.
I think of kissing her,
of touching her,
of seeing her smile.
She already knows so many secrets that I haven’t told a soul.
She is the only woman I’ve ever talked to for hours at a time.
She is the only one I think about morning, day, and night.
She is my angel, my goddess, my heaven from afar.
I think of looking in to her eyes,
of melting away,
of being at peace.
She would be a match for me, I know it, I feel it in my heart.
She is my intoxication, my passion, my desire.
She is the stuff of myth and legend, Venus, Aphrodite or Helen of Troy.
She is the devil and angel that whispers in my ear.
I think of holding her,
of breathing her in,
of being lost.
Something to be said about a woman.
That doesn’t need me to live her life.
That doesn’t need to be told she’s beautiful to know she is.
That doesn’t need to explain herself or apologize.
That doesn’t need my money or stability.
That doesn’t care if I’m insane.
I think of hearing her voice,
of her laugh,
of her cries.
There’s something to be said about a woman,
Who I’ve never touched or heard a voice,
That can make me yearn to write again,
And show me that I have a choice.
Who makes me feel the way I do,
That makes me ask what if,
And if she wonders the same thing too.
There’s something about "this" woman.
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