Tuesday, September 29, 2009

This Is My Life And Its Ending One Minute At A Time

So I haven’t drank in two days. I know to some a big “so?” just popped in your head. Let me see if I can explain this for you. In the last year and say, two months, the most I’ve gone without drinking is a day. Now, that doesn’t mean I drink everyday, in a given week I probably drink four to five out of seven days. This is the first time that I can recall in a year where I’ve gone two days without drinking in a row. Let me explain something else, its not from lack of wanting to drink, believe me, I’ve been wanting to drink the entire day. Since I got up all I’ve wanted was a fucking beer.

Its funds…its why the entire day today I left my apartment once, for cigarettes. The rest of the time I’ve watched “Sons of Anarchy,” “House,” “Heroes,” “Castle,” “Lie to me,” and Primal Fear, done four loads of laundry, cleaned the kitchen, and picked up my room. I literally cannot do any extra driving except what it will take me this week to get back and forth to work. I can’t go out to drink. I can’t even go drink at work because my tab is already too high. I may at some point even run out of cigarettes. But wait…it gets better.

My next paycheck I may not even have enough to pay rent. Once the boss takes out the tab that I owe him. What does that mean? I have to find someway to pay rent, put gas in my car, cat food, and cigarettes. Why do I keep saying cigarettes you ask? Because if I can’t fucking drink I damn well better be able to smoke. I have a feeling I am going to be a rather gigantic fucking dick these next two weeks, and its only going to get worse. Be prepared for some angry/hate rants on Pajiba. I really need to find some way to make some extra cash. The last thing I ever want to do is go to my parents and ask them for the money…I have a feeling I will have to though. FUCK.

On a weird side note. All I’ve been thinking about today is writing. I always wanted to try and get a novel published but the more I think about it the more I think I could probably go for a collection of short stories. Those are the only things I seem able to really write lately and maybe all it will take is for me to get published to try and tackle that larger issue of writing a novel. Who knows right? Its not just the book though that I’ve been thinking about, I also have some poetry stewing itself around in my brain. I’ve got one working around about life in general, I have another on depression, and I have another about that Jibette.

Speaking so much of Pajiba. There was a thread awhile back on the Deadgirl review. Now I remember I got in a rather large argument with people on there about the use of the rape scenes. Mainly a lot of the women on the site seem to be extra-feminist. I should have realized this earlier. Its also been noted on the site that most of the women have college educations, or, for the most part, are of above average intelligence. This usually, while not always, denotes a woman who is a feminist. Well the argument on that one I can understand, even if I don’t agree with all of their perspectives. Although I do think I lost figgy because of that thread. I noticed she took me off of her friends list on facebook…guess there also goes my chance of ever making it on the EE again. Doubt she would want to put someone she obviously dislikes on there. I don’t even really know what I did. I wasn’t trying or even attempting to be rude/ugly/or hateful on that thread. Anyway…on to Polanski.

I’m just going to say this…you do the crime, you serve the time. It doesn’t matter if it’s the next day, a year later, ten years later, or fucking thirty years later. All you need to know is that if you rape a 13 year old, drugged or un-drugged, consensual or un-consensual, its fucking rape. Its called statutory rape of a minor. If someone commits murder and runs…thirty years later you are still fucking guilty of murder. There is no time off for good behavior…no time for being a celebrity…no time for having money…no time for having to stay out of the fucking country. You ran you goddamn coward. To me that is no better or worse then someone who kills themselves before letting the cops get to them.

So now what am I going to do tonight? I can’t drink. I have to conserve my cigarettes. I’ve pretty much watched every goddamn show I watch over the course of a week. With the exception of “Glee” on Wednesday, and football on Saturday, Sunday, and Monday. Oh wait…that’s right. I don’t have cable. So the only place I can go watch those is at a fucking bar!


I could keep going, but I doubt you would want to read a whole fucking page of that shit.

I suppose I could always write. Maybe pump out one of those poems I was thinking about. I could always watch a movie. Then again…I’m going to be up till nearly 5am anyway on the fact that I can’t sleep and I most assuredly cannot sleep sober. Not to mention I’m still waking up everyday at 9am for no fucking reason. Or that for the last week I’ve been having really vivid dreams. You know the type of dreams where you wake up only to realize you’re not actually awake so you wake up again? Yeah, except imagine it being. Dream-Wake-Dream-Wake-Wake-Dream-Wake-Wake-Wake-Oh wait, no I’m finally awake. That’s some fucked up dreaming. By vivid I mean vivid. As in whole conversations, I can remember things that I was eating, even what they fucking tasted like. Some of em have been good dreams, the majority have been bad, a few “really” bad. Not nightmares either, because I fucking love nightmares. More like shit that could actually happen to me.

On another plus note its like 59 degrees here right now, or 15 degrees Celsius for you Canadian fuckers. I got the windows up in my bedroom so I can let that cool air in. When your roomie leaves the thermostat at 80/26.6 degrees and you have no fan in your fucking room. Yeah.

I was watching that season opener for “House” tonight and it made me think of something. I still have pictures of my x on my laptop. I want to delete them…so many times I have wanted to, but every time I look at the pictures it just brings back the memories. I also have some…ummm…really good pictures. Anyway, the episode tonight made me want to do it again. Made me want to delete them. I just don’t know if I can bring myself to do it. I know what I should do. I should delete the pictures (ala Forgetting Sarah Marshall) change her thing on facebook to where I can’t see any of her status updates or posts, and just move on. Moving on is hard to do though. Even after a year. Even though I know she has, fuck, she’s engaged and they have a house together. Did I mention he’s a fucking midget? There's the nice little couple engagement ring pic.

See…I have a picture of her balancing a coke can on her ass…a coke can. Then there is the one of her dressed all goth in the car. The one of her topless with black tape over her nipples.

FUCK it, fuck it, I just did it. I didn’t even check to see if I have them saved anywhere else. On a USB drive, on a disk, fuck it. Now for her facebook.

Goddamn’t…see…why do I torture myself? I just saw that the date for their wedding is the day they first started dating which is fucking two weeks after we broke up.

Goddamn’t!! Fuck! Hold on.

Ok…I’ve now hidden her status updates. Now the only time I will look is with some sort of fucking morbid curiosity that I know will happen eventually and I’ll get pissed off all over again.

Shit…what I wouldn’t give for some fucking weed and a large bottle of Jack right now.


  1. always keep looking forward. you look back, you're going to walk into a building or a lightpole or a greased-up old person.

    as a side: i watched 'dead girl' last night and damn, it was BORING. i should have rented 'grace' instead. i actually had BOTH dvds in my hand at one point!

  2. Keep your head up man. Your smart enough to know if somethings got to change and I trust that if you feel it does, you'll do it. You've done it before.

    I didn't think you were being obnoxious on the Dead Girl thread but you know when you take the opposite viewpoint on a thread like that, there may be casualties. Now the Polanski thread, HOLY SHIT! BSlim might have some splaining to do.

  3. For what it's worth, I'm one of those "educated" "feminists", and I didn't think you were obnoxious on that post either. (I put those words in quotes because they have certain connotations which don't necessarily apply to all people, ya dig? One can be both without being militant.) You've got to be prepared for that sort of thing when you post an alternate view on a hot-button issue like that, especially that issue on that site. We've seen that before.

    As for your ex, I'd back up gp's advice, and not just because I'm secretly in love with him: Don't look back. Easier said than done, I know, but you have to try. Personally, and I know it's hard (believe me, I know), I'd delete her from my Facebook friends altogether.