Saturday, December 5, 2009

Movies Will Rot Your Brain

First of all let me begin by saying thank you to Trouble. Were in not for her allowing me to use her Netflix to watch movies I would likely be going insane right now from lack of alcohol. No shit…I haven’t drank since Monday. Sadly, the downfall to not drinking is that I typically have not been falling asleep until 5am. This is not very conducive to waking up to go to the insanely busy unemployment office…or finding a job in general. However, I am passing the time with movie watching. That being said I felt I would share the films that I have watched over the last 3 days. By the way if sentences don't make sense or my grammar is even more atrocious then it usually can suck my balls.

Underworld: Rise of the Lycans:
I thought the film was fairly boring, definitely the weak link of the trilogy. Considering they tell us the story…twice…in the previous films of how Lucian became the leader of the Lycans, you would think they could at least keep the story straight. For example, I’m pretty sure Sonja was either a blonde or a brunette. I’m also pretty sure they never mention her as a badass. Let’s not forget the scene where Raze also fights Lycans…chained up and human mind you…and actually kicks their ass. Really? *yawn * I’m also not a huge fan of Rhona Mitra.

Chinjeolhan geumjassi (Lady Vengeance):
The third of the vengeance trilogy behind Old Boy. I liked the film. I felt it dragged in many places, especially in the school at the end, but I liked it. I would have to say I prefer Old Boy to this one mainly because it was full of action, Lady Vengeance, on the other hand, is more about character development. The scenes of her in prison were the most interesting for me to watch.

Tôkyô zankoku keisatsu (Tokyo Gore Police):
I made it about 15 minutes into this piece of shit before I turned it off. The acting was horrible. The cinematography was terrible. It looked like shit, it sounded like shit…it was shit. Not to mention I am really…really…not into that over the top blood spouting like you see in the Kill Bill movies. The main character is riding in a subway and a guy rubs her ass. What does she do? She takes him outside and cuts his hands off with a katana then opens an umbrella to keep the blood from getting on her. Yeah…not my bag. It seems they are really popular in Japan. The director, Yoshihiro Nishmura, has apparently made this type of film his bag of tricks. With The Machine Girl, about a girl with a machine gun for an arm, and Samurai Princess, the only thing I can remember about that one is that it stars a porn star.

I really enjoyed this flick, which is basically a story about love. The main character, an artist, gets dumped by his long lasting girlfriend for another guy. In grief he can’t sleep and therefore gets a job working a night shift at a supermarket so he can at least get paid for his insomnia. While working there he figures out that he has the ability to stop time and falls in love with the check out girl. The reviews I read for it said there was a lot of nudity…there wasn’t. If I recall there was only one moment where he stopped time, stripped female customers down, and drew them. I also read in some reviews that people bitched that the women were all “supermodels.” Granted, none of the women were obese, but there were some that weren’t rail thin. Anyway, I digress. I think this was a wonderful little film and I would have to recommend it.

Дневной дозор (Night Watch):
Sadly I couldn’t see the first film in this apparent trilogy called Day Watch. The film is basically the age old story of good vs. evil. In this case the Light vs. the Dark. There is a truce that has been going on for, if I remember correctly, a thousand years. Both sides have a police force to make sure that the opposite side doesn’t fuck up. They are called the Day Watch and the Night Watch. I can’t believe this film is Russian. You want to talk about a mutant/superhero movie? Fucking eat your goddamn heart out Hollywood. Fuck off! The acting was decent, the story worked (even without having seen the first one), and it was entertaining as fuck. I got the feel/look of the first two Blade films mixed with a LOTR feeling. The plot would be confusing for me to tell…shit…basically there are two “Great Ones” who, if they meet/fight, will be the end of the world. The father of the evil Great One who is also the lover of the good Great One is the main character whom we follow as he tries to avoid the apocalypse and find the Chalk Of Fate that will allow him to change destiny.

Se jie (Lust, Caution):
Why the fuck I decided to start a Ang Lee movie at three in the morning is fucking beyond me. I have no idea why. The movie was typical Lee. If I was going to have to compare the love story in this one to something it would have to be the love story between Jen Yu and Luo Xiao Hu in Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon simply for the love/lust/hatred. The main plot follows a group of college actors who, during World War II, decide to kill a fellow Chinese man who is a traitor to their country. The main character becomes the concubine of the man and eventually falls in love with him. I won’t give any more then that away.

Anatomie de l'enfer (Anatomy of Hell):
What. The. Fuck. Did. I. Watch? It started out with a non-simulated oral sex scene between two men. From there it goes to gaga land. The plot…from what I could gather…is that a woman is trying to entice a gay man and/or figure out why all men hate women at the same time. I don’t understand how the guy was even gay when within the first ten minutes he got a blowjob from her and got off, but whatever. The main male character is played by Rocco Siffredi who, from what I read, is a porn star. It’s just weird. I found that critics specifically talked about a scene in which he goes outside, grabs a rake, and sticks it in her vagina (handle of course) while she is sleeping. He passes out and she wakes up to find the rake still sticking out of her. Boy did the critics go nuts on that scene. Me personally, the one that made me gag, she pulls out her tampon…dips it in a glass of water…and they both drink it. *explosive vomit* I was seriously staring at the screen going “Oh god no…don’t do it…don’t do it!”

They tried to make a point that she had found a gay man to test this out on yet I didn’t get the impression at any point that he was gay. First, the blowjob. Then, the first night he comes over to watch her he ends up sleeping with her (which was also really odd, he would come over, she would fall asleep, he would fuck her). That made no sense. The movie makes no sense. Ohhh, let me not forget when he fucks her and pulls out a geyser of blood, then proceeds to jerk himself off…with the blood…while she talks about how he now feels that he is tainted. WOW.

I got a lot of echoes of The Salton Sea with this film. However, while I thought it was good I also feel it was severely flawed. One…I was in the drug culture in high school. The lingo in this fucking film was just way to far the fuck out there. Two…it made no sense that he would hide the body. If he loved her, why would he hide her body. I mean I understand that he wanted to find out what happened to her but why hide her body? Three…why even set it in high school? I think this film would have been so much better if they had set it with adults. That being said. Yes, I understand it is a take off of the old detective movies and a slight addition of A Fistful of Dollars. Yes, I understand its still an awesome movie. No, I will probably not buy it. I won’t say much more…the film has a lot of plot twists that I don’t really want to go into. By the way, my favorite scene, the fight with Bryan…the school jock.

American Zombie:
When I first got onto Netflix I looked up zombie movies and about had a nerdgasm. I’m holding off on most of those for nights of drinking. Anyway, I remembered that I wanted to see this movie awhile back so I decided to go ahead and watch it. What’s it about? Shot documentary style it discusses zombies living in L.A. We learn there are three types of zombies. Brain dead killing machines, slow with limited mental capacity zombies (who are used as slave labor) and ones that can pass for human. We follow four different ones, two men, two female. One of the female’s is artsy…makes funeral flower arrangements. The other is vegan, and works at a health food place, and wants to be “living.” Another male leads an organization to help zombies. The last one works at a gas station and is basically a fucking stoner. I really liked the film up until the point where they make zombies “evil.” I liked the daily interaction and how they were basically like your normal everyday joe. I don’t know why they decided to go all freak out at the end.

So there ya go. I’m going to pass the fuck out now. Someone wake me for the S.E.C. Championship. If its not before the Big 12 Championship make sure I’m awake for that one.


  1. I really enjoyed DayWatch but haven't seen any of the others. Fuck you and your Anti-Canadianism, Netflix!

  2. Night Watch *is* the first one. Day Watch is the second. Though the Russian name you have there appears to be for Day Watch, and from your description, I think you did see the second. I love those movies. LOVE. I want to have babies with them. The three novels are all on my Cannonball list. I read the first ages ago and started the second but didn't get to finish and now, because of my faulty old-lady memory, I need to read them all again. They're odd to read because of the translation, but really good. Also, if I recall correctly, both movies mixed in stuff from each of the first two books.

    Anyway. I have Lady Vengeance on my Instant queue, and I think that one might appeal to me more than Oldboy did. I found Oldboy a little predictable, and a bit of a disappointment after all the hype. It was still good, just... slightly disappointing. I also kind of want to see the disturbing porny one now. Huh. Yeah, there's stuff wrong with me.

  3. AvB's right, Night Watch is the first film, and it's fucking incredible. I actually haven't seen Day Watch, which makes me sad. Ho hum.