Awww Fuck All

…
Life…
Life is…
Life is a giant fucking shit steaming pile of swamp ass that likes to pick you up and give you a swirlie in a toilet bowl of spaghetti vomit and period blood…
Ok…
Maybe half my life is like that…

Right now I have two aspects of my life. The side of me that is stressing to the point of wanting to kill myself, and the side that is telling me calm down, deal with it, don’t freak out, you’ll solve this problem…you always do. I’m trying to listen to the later more than the former. I’m actually doing ok with it but as the days slowly creep more towards the 5th of January I’m going to start to lose it. That is when rent is due. I was hoping to have the money, right now I have half of it. I turned in around a dozen applications to “real” jobs, jobs I was actually interested in, and I didn’t get a response from any of them. I haven’t tried for a shit job because I don’t really want a shit job. However.

My old boss picked the restaurant back up. He was hoping to re-open the first of week of the year but after some legal issues he doesn’t know when he will be able to open. This kind of fucked me. One: I never went and applied for un-employment for several reasons. A) Every time I got there the line was fucking ridiculous. B) That stupid part of me felt like I was a loser. C) I didn’t feel like going through the bullshit you apparently have to go through. D) I was working. Two: I was looking forward to them opening when they planned because I would be able to cover my rent on time, pay what I owe for utilities, and possibly do something with my life next month. Three: How would I cover rent you ask? If the restaurant opened the first week of January that would mean I would have to go in to do prep work. Which would mean getting paid.

As is I have enough money to get me a pack of cigarettes. That’s it. So I will still have half my rent. This is the first Christmas since I was 17 that I haven’t been able to buy presents. I’m usually the one that gives lavish gifts too. It really sucks.

Then there is the second half of this holiday season and this is the one that depresses me the most. I will have no one to kiss on New Years for around the 7th year in a row. The last time, was a friend of my sisters (albeit a hot friend) who saw that I didn’t have anyone to kiss so she came over and made out with me. But haven’t you been in relationships? Is that the question you have? Yes. However I may have mentioned that I haven’t had a relationship last longer than a year. I tend to start dating someone in January or February and the relationship ends by November or early December. The holidays are like the super silly season for me. Anyway, that means it is going to be another kiss less year for me. I don’t know why that particular aspect/detail bothers me so much, it just does.

I know she hasn’t talked about it but let me just give this a nod to those who are wondering. It appears Trouble and I aren’t attempting to date anymore. She spoke her mind, she told me what she truthfully felt, she didn’t hold back. I didn’t want to hear it. That was that. We, or I (I can’t really speak for her), had a problem with the distance thing, and a problem with attention (or lack thereof). It makes sense. It is kind of hard trying to get something started with someone you have never actually met in real life. Friends though. Not going to lose that. She is still a cool person and a hot Jibette.

Look at me. This is coming from the guy who still has an enormous crush on another Jibette and can’t lose it no matter how hard he tries. I’ve tried. Trust me. I’ve started talking to her a lot again. What can I say…I think she is perfect. Yet again…someone I haven’t met in real life.

The problem there is I have not…in over a year and a half…found a single female here that I want to date. I cannot find the combination of beauty, brains, and class that I want in a woman. Around where I live we get attractive idiot whores. That may sound harsh…but that seems to be the case. If I go to Atlanta I get more of the girls in my style but outside of my price range. Where the girls hang out…the type I like…I tend to not fit in or they tend to vary to two degrees. One degree is money (as in they want/need money from a guy) the second is drugs (as in they are in the phase I lost 7 years ago). Fuck. Guess you could say that maybe it also has to do with my friends. A lot of the women I would be interested in don’t hang out with my type of friends. I’m not really in a position to make new friends though. Nor would I be able to I think. I’m not really open to “new” people. I also tend to frighten most “new” people the first time they meet me.

I’m being positive goddamn’t. I don’t know where this depressing shit is coming from, I really don’t. I have been happy the last two weeks. Even though things have still been moving backwards I have maintained this aura of positive. I’m thinking about that fucking kiss. That goddamn midnight kiss. All these years. Fuck.

I’m going to go see Avatar tomorrow. The sci-fi geek in me is geeking out. All I keep hearing from my fellow dorks is that it is amazing. So hopefully it will be just that.

I’m 15 pages into the behemoth that is Mein Kampf. Jesus. This is going to take me forever to read. Thankfully I have a few smaller, faster reads to do after this one so I will be able to catch up again. The sad thing is. Even in those 15 pages I can see how Hitler kind of makes sense. Maybe not in the direct sense that he is talking about, but in uniting a country. Letting all the people come together to be one. That would be ideal even in a country like ours.

Well…I guess I’m done. I just wanted to share.