Serial Killers: Inside My Collection

“Well I’m a talkin’ bout the midnight rambler

Did you see me jump your garden wall

And If you ever catch the midnight rambler

Steal your mistress from under your nose

Go easy with your cold-fanged anger

I’ll stick my knife right down your throat, baby and it hurts.”

---The Rolling Stones “Midnight Rambler” (based on Albert DeSalvo)

To Begin

I think ever since I was able to pick up a book, or watch a horror film, I have had an obsession with serial killers. I didn’t really have anyone in high school to share this obsession with, it wasn’t until I got into college that I found like minded individuals. I’ve seen films, read books, watched biographies. I’ve written short stories both set in the third and first person perspectives, I‘ve even wrote a few research papers. I’ve shared many a beer over favorite serial killers and why they are our favorites. I guess you would also wonder why someone would have a favorite serial killer. I used to joke, and later I heard Stephen King do the same, that if I didn’t write I would be a serial killer (however, I know I could not actually murder someone in cold blood). My personal favorite would have to be Gary Ridgway (The Green River Killer) although my friend Jenn prefers Ted Bundy and my buddy Tim likes Ed Gein. I find it funny that many people always reference Zodiac when it comes to their favorite killer. He wasn’t that great…he was just arrogant. Anyway, I should stop before I digress from my original point of this blog/essay. My point is to give a look at serial killers in film. I don’t know why I decided to do this, and to limit my scope I decided to focus on movies I personally own. This is for one reason and one reason only, there are a lot of fucking movies about serial killers. I got the idea to write this one while watching Se7en last night, and then I kind of started to run with it.

“The dull blade, good and proper

I'm bleeding heavily and feeling sick

Although I have to fight to stay awake

I keep eating while in convulsions.”

---Rammstein “Mein Teil” (based on Armin Meiwes)

My Films of Serial Killers

Se7en (1995)

Starring: Brad Pitt, Morgan Freeman, Kevin Spacey

What isn’t there to like about Se7en? The movie is fantastic. It, combined with Fight Club, is the reason David Fincher became cemented as one of my favorite directors. The movie follows two detectives as they track down a serial killer who kills using the seven deadly sins as a backdrop. Who can forget the head in a basket? The killer, John Doe, was played by Kevin Spacey so well that you almost wish you could have shot him yourself. Another great thing about the film is that Spacey didn’t even make his true appearance until the third act. Like a good horror film it makes us wait to see the true horror until the very end.

The Silence of the Lambs (1991)

Starring: Jodie Foster, Anthony Hopkins, Ted Levine.

It’s the film that made Anthony Hopkins one of the best villains on screen of all time. Seriously, I know many a list that place him just ahead of Darth Vader, and those are big shoes to fill. It was the sheer creepiness that Hopkins exudes that makes his character so memorable. Anyway, the film follows an FBI rookie as she attempts to track down a serial killer by employing the help of another serial killer. Double the pleasure, double the fun, right? Hopkins played the now infamous Hannibal Lecter while Ted Levine provided the strange Buffalo Bill. “She rubs the lotion on her skin or gets the hose again.”

Resurrection (1999)

Starring: Christopher Lambert, Leland Orser, Robert Joy.

Remember, these are serial killer movies that I own, not necessarily fantastic ones. I mean…how many great movies star Christopher Lambert? Highlander and…well, Highlander. Like Se7en the movie follows two detectives as they attempt to track down a serial killer. This serial killer is taking body parts in order to form a new Christ. The plot, if I remember correctly, rotates around him finding people with the initials J.C. Anyway, I’m trying to figure out why Leland Orser is in almost every goddamn serial killer movie. That motherfucker must just do weird really well. If you remember, he was also in Se7en, as the guy who fucked the prostitute with the incredible knife strap-on. Anyway, the killer in this one is Gerald Demus, played by Robert Joy. He is not necessarily the best serial killer to ever grace the screen but he definitely has his creepy quality.

The Bone Collector (1999)

Starring: Denzel Washington, Angelina Jolie, Leland Orser.

Ahhhh, The Bone Collector. In this one Denzel plays a paralyzed criminal genius who enlists the help of a smart beat cop, Angelina Jolie, to track down a serial killer. There’s not much to really say about this one. It is a decent flick I suppose, it came out before Angelina’s head became three times bigger than her body. Before Denzel was ask kicking cops and criminals. The killer in this one leaves clues, and has a nice taxi. That killer, otherwise known as Richard Thompson, was played by, guess who, Leland Orser.

Virtuosity (1995)

Starring: Denzel Washington, Kelly Lynch, Russell Crowe.

Do you remember Russell Crowe before he was throwing telephones at peoples heads and getting fat? No? Well, in this one he is SID 6.7, a man made conglomeration of serial killers. He is being chased by a cop, turned criminal, turned cop, Denzel Washington, with the help of his bionic arm and Psychologist eye candy Kelly Lynch. The plot isn’t much more difficult then that. It had some cool scenes and we were able to see that Russell Crowe plays crazy really well. I think my favorite part of this film is when he is in the club and creates music using people’s screams.

“Compressed youthful voices

Suffer age

Below John's floors

Spoilage

Lingering death

Gagging your fears

Dead in horror

Grizzly facial stare.”

---Fear Factory “Suffer Age” (based on John Wayne Gacy)

Natural Born Killers (1994)

Starring: Woody Harrelson, Juliette Lewis, Tom Sizemore, RDJ.

Bonnie and Clyde on acid…nuff said. Harrelson and Lewis play Mickey and Mallory Knox, a couple made in hell. They terrorize with sheer brutality and a dry humor. The sad thing about this movie is that it is the deleted scenes that I love the most. There is the scene with Mickey in the court room, interrogating Ashley Judd, where he finally stabs her to death with a pencil. As well as the scene with Dennis Leary, a commercial in which he goes on another one of his fabulous rants. Oh right, the premise. A young couple travel the countryside pretty much killing anyone they want to, eventually they are caught, escape, and start again. They are chased by a Detective, Tom Sizemore, who may or may not be a serial killer himself. What I also loved about this film is their fan club that protests outside of the courthouse. I don’t really know what that says…was it trying to say people who have favorite serial killers have something wrong with them?

Saw I,II,III,VI (2004-present)

Starring: Tobin Bell.

Say what you want but the Saw films have changed the face of horror. This film is one of the first that accurately portrayed brutal, graphic, violence. The premise of pretty much all of the films is thus: A man (Tobin Bell), dying and tired of the wasted lives around him, decides to stage little games for his “victims.” They have a simple choice, “Live or die.” Those that prevail, will come out changed, hopefully in a way that will help them to live their lives to their fullest potential. The serial killer (because of the puzzle pieces he cuts out of said victims), becomes known as Jigsaw. Now, if you’ve followed the progression of the films you would know that Jigsaw is no longer alive. However, apprentices have come forward to continue his work.

The Cell (2000)

Starring: Jennifer Lopez, Vince Vaughn, Vincent D'Onofrio (Carl Stargher).

This film is one of my favorites in the genre for two reasons. One, it was the first one that I’d seen that actually went inside the head of the serial killer. In this case the mind of Carl Stargher (played by Vincent D’Onofrio). What a fucked up head it is. Where else would you see a horse suddenly and violently get split apart in several pieces? Women sitting in a field, mouths open, in silent screams. I think part of its purpose was to show that serial killers are a product of their environment, that getting branded with an iron as a boy by your abusive father would lead you to kill later in life. That kind of passed me over and I was more in awe and the fucked up visions of the filmmakers. Two, Jennifer Lopez’s million dollar ass. That thing is a work of art in this film. I wish I could find more doctors with fat asses who liked to smoke weed...I suppose I should say fat, sexy asses. The plot? Carl Stargher likes to create living dolls, he drowns the women, bleaches them, and jerks off to them while suspended by hooks. Before they can find his last victim he goes into a coma. Cue when they hook him up to some weird machine that allows Jennifer Lopez to crawl inside his mind to help find that lost girl.

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974)

Starring: Gunnar Hansen

There is only one real reason why the only person I mention in this movie is Gunnar Hansen. That’s the motherfucker that played Leatherface. Nothing else matters with this movie. The plot? Some teens get lost, get killed. Leatherface is the motherfucker that not only stole the show, but caused all of the sequels to happen. Right down to The Return of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation starring Renee Zellweger and Matthew McConaughey. I have no doubt that he helped create Halloween, A Nightmare on Elm Street, and Friday the 13th. He does count in the serial killer category as well though. The man was based off of Ed Gein.

Kiss the Girls (1997)

Starring: Morgan Freeman, Ashley Judd, Cary Elwes (Casanova).

Not only does the film feature one serial killer, but two that actually interact with one another. The film stars Morgan Freeman as a man after a serial killer that has taken his niece. The only clue he has comes in the form of Ashley Judd, a woman who escaped the hands of Casanova and helps Freeman to find him. Cary Elwes plays that character and for the most part he is rather lackluster. It isn’t until he actually reveals himself that he truly shines.

“Killing time

She struck the hours dead

In Her control

Thus menopaused

Her clock of hacked out cunts

Began to toll

"Thirteen chimes of ancient strain

I conjure forth with dirge

That fills the void with timbred pain

To fulfill my sexual urge"

---Cradle of Filth “Desire in Violent Overture” (based on Elizabeth Bathory)

Honorable Mention

I say honorable mention because I don’t really know whether to classify some of these motherfuckers as serial killers or not. If they’re not serial killers I’m putting them in here as sheer crazy fucks, mentally disturbed bastards that don’t fall into the category of Kris Kristofferson in The Jacket.

Frailty (2001)

Starring: Bill Paxton, Matthew McConaughey, Powers Boothe.

A family begins hunting “demons” for god. Now, technically, the Meiks Family are fucking serial killers. They find people, kill them, and bury them in the rose garden. However, that notion may go out the window if by the end of the film you consider the fact that they may actually be working for god. In which case they become god’s serial killers.

Eye of the Beholder (1999)

Starring: Ewan McGregor, Ashley Judd.

I think I may be the only person on the planet that loves this movie. In fact, I don’t even know anyone in my real world life that has actually even seen it other then me…and I own it. I don’t know if you technically want to consider Judd’s Joanna Eris as a serial killer but she is. Every man that gets close to her she kills. She is being tracked by Ewan McGregor for no real reason other then he becomes obsessed with her. There’s not much to the story really, it’s more of a distorted love story then anything else.

American Psycho (2000)

Starring: Christian Bale.

Does it count if it is really all in Patrick Bateman’s head? I remember when I saw it in theatres that at the very beginning when he was going through the motions of his morning routine there were several teenage guys and girls in the audience who laughed. Let me tell you, they weren’t laughing by the end of the film…but I was. I think you have to have a sick mind to really get the humor in American Psycho. The plot? Dude goes nuts…like…nuts, nuts. He chases hookers, eats people alive, runs naked with a chainsaw, kills with an axe, a knife, anything that’s handy. He listens to music and quotes random facts about musicians and gets in mental fights because someone’s business card is better than his. My favorite part of the movie? When he tries to stuff a cat into the slot of an ATM machine with a gun to the back of its head.

Apt Pupil (1998)

Starring: Brad Renfro (Todd Bowden), Ian McKellen (Kurt Dussander).

A former Nazi is stalked by a high school kid, evil ensues. Now, I mention this movie more so because of the short story it is based on. I really don’t know why they changed it from what it was (mainly because they like to butcher every Stephen King adaptation would be my guess). The movie itself is very dark, disturbing, and depressing. The book, has both Todd Bowden and Kurt Dussander turn into serial killers, eventually Bowden becomes a mass murderer as well.

8mm (1999)

Starring: Nicolas Cage, Joaquin Phoenix, Chris Bauer.

Cage plays a private detective trying to find out what happened to a missing girl based on a video he sees in which she is killed on screen. Turns out the video is real. The film implies that Chris Bauer who plays Machine, is in fact, a serial killer. Someone who kills women on film for the enjoyment of others. Pretty fucked up huh? The movie is very dark, incredibly disturbing, and shows a side of the pornographic world in which few tread. The scene I remember the most is the final showdown between Cage and Bauer. Aphex Twins “Come to Daddy” is playing in the background…go listen to that song.

Sliver (1993)

Starring: Sharon Stone, William Baldwin, Tom Berenger.

Ok…to be honest I don’t remember much of this film. When I do watch it, it is mainly for the sex scenes between Stone and Baldwin because goddamn if those aren’t some fucking hot ass sex scenes. Especially the one where he pins her against the wall from behind and just takes her. Ohhhh sweet jeebus. Anyway, if I remember correctly Jack Landsford (played by Tom Berenger) is a writer/serial killer. I’m pretty sure he is a serial killer. If not just watch it for the sex scenes.

The Talented Mr. Ripley (1999)

Starring: Matt Damon (Tom Ripley), Gwyneth Paltrow, Jude Law, Cate Blanchett, Philip Seymour Hoffman.

A man, Matt Damon’s Tom Ripley, wants to be someone else so bad that he kills for it. This movie has a stellar cast, a great story, and wonderful acting. Would you consider Tom Ripley a serial killer? I would. Who cares what the motive is, he doesn’t just kill one person, he kills several people. Not to mention those are only the ones we know about, who’s to say he hadn’t killed more before the story of the movie unfolds? To watch the transformation of Damon to Law is quite fascinating as well.

Basic Instinct (1992)

Starring: Michael Douglas, Sharon Stone.

We’ve concluded before that Sharon Stone (Catherine Tramell) is the serial killer right? Oh well, if you haven’t seen the movie you should watch it just for the infamous crotch shot. Which Stone says was unintentional.

Hard Candy (2005)

Starring: Patrick Wilson, Ellen Page.

Ellen Page plays Hayley Stark. I think it was Snath who tried to say that Hayley isn’t a serial killer because she gets them to kill themselves (if that’s the case then neither is Jigsaw). Plus, we never actually see her kill anyone else. This is my thoughts on the matter though. She is so calm, cool, calculated, and good at what she does can you honestly say she is going to stop there? In a way I see her as the female Punisher. Only rather then using guns and bombs she using mental warfare. I can see her becoming something of an avenger. A fallen angel if you will. Plus…you gotta be pretty fucked up to do the balls scene to anyone.

Road to Perdition (2002)

Starring: Tom Hanks, Tyler Hoechlin, Paul Newman, Jude Law.

I know what your first thought is. Why is he including Road to Perdition in a thing about serial killers? Here’s why. Harlen Maguire. Harlen Maguire? That’s the name of Jude Law’s character in the film. Awwww, but he was just a hitman you say? Just a hitman? Really? I don’t know too many hitmen that carried around cameras with them to take a picture of their victims as a trophy. I also don’t know of any other hitman that was trying to take a picture of a dead guy, only to find out said dead guy was alive, kill him, then take the picture. He is a fucking serial killer. He’s just a serial killer that gets paid to do what he wants to do.

“Tied her up

And taped her mouth shut

Couldn't scream

Raped violently

Rope tight, around her throat

Her body twitches

As she chokes

Strangulation caused her death

Just like all the others

Raped before and after death

Stripped, naked, tortured”

---Cannibal Corpse “Stripped, Raped, and Strangled” (based on Ted Bundy)

Honorable, Honorable Mention

Falling Down (1993)

Starring: Michael Douglas, Robert Duvall.

Yes, I know that Michael Douglas is not a serial killer in Falling Down. Yes, I know that therefore he shouldn’t belong on this list. Yes, I realize I may be stupid. However, I feel that no blog could be complete about crazy people without at least mentioning Falling Down. I remember that the first time I saw the movie I literally went, “Holy shit.” To see the character fall as far as he does. To see how he snaps, how he empowers himself, and how he eventually just goes full on fucking mental, is an awesome thing to behold. Michael Douglas plays William Foster with so much realism that you can actually imagine a guy simply getting out of his car in the middle of rush hour and starting a rampage. That’s why he is mentioned here. If you haven’t seen this movie I would suggest you do so as soon as possible.

"Oh, find me ... find me, nothing more

We are on a sullen misty moor

We may be dead and we may be gone

But we will be, we will be, we will be, right by your side

Until the day you die

This is no easy ride

We will haunt you when you laugh

Yes, you could say we're a team

You might sleep

You might sleep

You might sleep

But you will never dream!”

--- The Smiths “Suffer Little Children” (based on Ian Brady & Myra Hindley)

Recommended Viewing

Summer of Sam (1999)

Starring: John Leguizamo, Adrien Brody, Mira Sorvino, Michael Badalucco.

Just a cool little flick that takes place and revolves around the Summer of Sam killings.

Behind the Mask: The Rise of Leslie Vernon (2006)

Starring: Nathan Baesel (Leslie Vernon), Robert Englund, Angela Goethals.

A fake documentary about a wannabe slasher. I.E. Nathan Baesel’s character wants to become the next great Jason Vorhees or Michael Myers, because, in this film, those were real people. While not necessarily about a “serial killer,” it’s a great little film to watch.

Dahmer (2002)

Starring: Jeremy Renner.

Holy fucking creepy. No really, if you haven’t seen it…see it.

“Dexter“ (2006-present)

Starring: Michael C. Hall, Julie Benz, Jennifer Carpenter, John Lithgow, Christian Camargo.

I think my favorite part of this show is that Dexter not only kills other serial killers, but that he has met and interacted with a few of them. I wrote a short story once that involved a serial killer working with another serial killer. While he doesn’t work with them he does try to learn how to live like them, being they are more adapted to normal society. That’s another great thing about Dexter, it’s interesting to hear the story from the perspective of the emotionless killer.

“Graze the skin with my finger tips

The brush of dead warm flesh pacifies the means

Incised members ornaments on my being

Adulating the skin before me.“

---Slayer “Dead Skin Mask” (based on Ed Gein)

To Conclude

So there you have it folks. A look into my collection of serial killer flicks. Be thankful I didn’t just do one on horror films. I think I only own two comedies. As I was doing this one I was thinking of doing a guide for Zombie films. If you actually read this let me know if you would be interested. If not…fuck you I may do one anyways. As I said at the beginning, there are many films about serial killers. I remember watching Don’t Look Now with Donald Sutherland (many people will tell you that film is good…don’t believe them) and wondering how many serial killer flicks there actually are. You got others like From Hell, Suspect Zero, and Switchback. However, like I said, these just came from my own collection. I leave you with that, and another excerpt from a song.

“Try to find the reasons that Jacky's out again

Slipping and sliding don't even try to hide

Just like your shadow, breathing at your side

Don't give into panic, Don't you run an' scream

Aaah, the ripper, haunting all your dreams.”

---Motorhead “Jack the Ripper”

Movie Review: Outlander

Outlander which came out in 2008 is a movie that is everything that you have seen before, and yet there is something about it that you also can’t put your finger on. The movie, directed by Howard McCain (most notably one of the writers for Underworld: Rise of the Lycans) stars James Caviezel (Angel Eyes, The Passion of the Christ), Sophia Myles (Underworld, Tristan + Isolde), Jack Huston (Factory Girl, The Twilight Saga: Eclipse), John Hurt (Rob Roy, V for Vendetta, and Ron Perlman (Hellboy, every sci-fi film known to man)…with a small little bit part by James Preston Rogers (the guy that had the online campaign nominating him to play Thor).

The film is rather simple to explain. It’s a SyFy channel movie done with a budget of $50 million. At least, that’s the way I felt watching it. A space-man, Kainan (played by Caviezel) crash lands on Earth in Norway in 709 AD in the middle of the Vikings. On board his ship is an alien species named the Moorwen that are basically the ultimate killing machines. It gets loose when the ship crashes and he goes after it. He runs into a local group of Vikings led by King Rothgar (Hurt), with a women’s lib daughter, Freya (Myles), and an ambitious future king, Wulfric (Huston). They think he sacked a local village run by Gunnar (Perlman) and initially distrust him but later learn to work with him in a joint effort to stop that dastardly Moorwen.

The film feels like it tries too hard. Like it wants to be The 13th Warrior mixed with Predator but ends up being the 1999 Beowulf with Christopher Lambert and Rhona Mitra. The comparisons can continue from there. It is obvious the film wants to be Beowulf. Hero (and I’m under the impression Caviezel can’t do anything but look depressed and brooding) with a big ass sword wants to kill a giant beast (hell, at one point there is even the “mother” and the child Moorween…one of em even ends up losing an arm). Even the names Rothgar and Unferth come from Beowulf. Like the writer/director McCain felt he could make the beast more realistic if he made it an animal from another planet. There’s even an underwater swim to the caves of the beast. The Predator aspect should be obvious as well but I would compare it more to Alien. Why Alien? Because of the beast. It is literally more badass then an Alien. The thing has so many keys to survival. Decoys, color changing, pretty lights to entice things, a tail that is as deadly as the rest of its body. If it had acid blood I would say the alien wouldn’t stand a chance, fuck, even the Predator wouldn’t stand a chance against it. However, despite it’s prettiness and abilities the Moorween, the shots of it, the chase scenes, its movement, really reminded me of the Kothoga creature from The Relic, or one of those beasts from Star Wars: Attack of the Clones. Many people die, only a few survive, but as you can expect they triumph.

The problem with the film is that it does feel like a SyFy channel movie. For the most part, even from the well known like Caviezel and Hurt, the acting is very wooden. Sophia Myles is pretty to look at but if you’ve seen Underworld then you know what her acting is like. Huston is a pretty boy who…well…he’s a pretty boy. They throw a character in there for comedic effect, Boromir (played by Cliff Saunders who is known more for his TV roles), yeah, not only is McCain not that original, he even stole a name from Lord of the Rings. Yet most of the characters are comedic. I mean, for fucksakes they play a game that involves running around on shields that people are holding over their heads. Really? If someone would like to tell me how that makes sense or even belongs in the movie I will be all ears to understand. It almost feels like McCain couldn’t keep the intensity up for an actual Predator/Alien like movie. My guess would be that he showed the Moorween far too early. He should have held back. Kept the alien in the dark for a little while (scaring the audience with the unknown) before making him some gloriously terrifying creature. You know, like how every typical horror movie does it…he must have taken a page out of the Pitch Black manual (which isn’t to say that I don’t lurve that movie). At one point Kainan even uses his blade to look at the monster sneaking up behind him…think Clash of the Titans with the Medusa. The voiceover doesn’t help either. It is unnecessary and dull…especially done by Myles. If anything they should have done a voiceover like that of Conan: The Barbarian or Mad Max: The Road Warrior. Some old guy voice that sounds cool. Let us also not forget how a soldier from a futuristic society know how to wield a sword and use a bow. In other words…McCain isn’t a very original writer. He just chocked up a bunch of regurgitated ideas.

I actually found myself rooting for the Moorween. The movie explains that the race that Kainan belongs to actually conquers planets. If there are no intelligent life they will get rid of everything on it and terraform it for themselves. Well, that’s what they did, destroyed all of the Moorween. Except…for one. That’s the one who also killed Kainans family, caused the ship to crash, and is reeking havoc on the Vikings. Well fuck you humanoid…you wiped out his entire fucking species. I wish he had won. Well…I guess that would be I wish SHE had won.

So what am I saying? Do you like sci-fi? Do you like cheesy horror? Do you like fantasy? Do you like Vikings? Do you like watching people get decapitated with swords? Do you like all of this without the combined qualities of wenches? Do you like the cheesy SyFy channel movies (just not as bad as that fucking Hammer of the Gods movie with Zachery Ty Bryan)? You’ll like it. I will say, however, that if you like sci-fi you don’t see much. The ship that crashes, some fancy shit, a weapon get shot one time, and a flashback of them conquering the Moorween planet. That being said I wish he kept the armor on that he was wearing in the beginning of the movie.

A little bit of trivia for you via IMDB: “This is the first film in history to feature Old Norse, the ancestor of Modern Icelandic and several other Scandinavian languages. Howard McCain used an Icelandic professor to help translate the dialogue and to teach the actors how to speak the ancient language.”

#15 The Walking Dead: Book Four

NNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!! Fuck. See, I knew this was going to happen. I knew once I read it I was going to get sucked in and then pissed off when I couldn’t read the next book. Also, this motherfucker, Book 4, is crazy. Crazy as in the sense that if I were a less normal person I would have ran around my bedroom jumping up and down, pulling my hair out, and doing the Darth Vader (via Revenge of the Sith) “No!” I kept my sanity enough to shout “What the fuck?” Calmly close the book, and walk away from it slowly.

Should you have decided to pick up the series I can’t really say much that wouldn’t ruin the entire book for you. I mean, I’ve given you some pretty good descriptions in the other ones of what happens but it would seriously be a travesty if I did that to you in this one. So prepare for this review to be a short one. Obviously, as you may have already suspected, The Governor goes after them. He attacks their little group, pretty much gets his ass kicked, then comes back for more. Back for more with a tank, a bunch of guys who can’t shoot for shit, an over inflated ego, and the ability to lie like no ones business combined with the demented mind of about six serial killers all wrapped into one.

Once again Michonne does her ninja shit. Rick does his I’m the leader but not really because everyone is starting to think I’m crazy shit. Carol does her I need someone shit. Did I mention I don’t like the “Soap Opera” aspects of the series? I suppose it is a necessary evil though. Anyway, there were cool parts, I guess I can say the baby being born was one. A wedding is another. New people hook up, old people drift apart. The usual, normal routine of…life. Maybe that makes sense now. Just writing that I’m beginning to understand why this story for Book 4 came about.

I suppose this book was to show you that it is possible for people to return to a state of normalcy in the course of a zombie apocalypse. To further imply this notion upon us, at one point in the book, the character Dale says he had gotten so used to everything being normal that he almost forgot the world was still a horror show. So sad to think that it is people that fuck everything up. I don’t think a single person dies via zombies in this one. So much death at the hands of other people. That’s the image in this one, we are the monsters.

Seriously. So many people die in this book. There are betrayals, cowards, and heroes. As such I now have a new favorite character. Andrea. Her picture is the one you’re looking at. She’s been cut with a knife by a crazed killer and shot. She is one tough lady…sexy too.

I also lost one of my favorites. But I won’t tell you how, because even I was sickened and shocked.

I really hope you get into this series. Then, like me, you can wait for the next book.

#14 The Walking Dead: Book Three

If Two was boring the writers must have figured that out and gone balls to the wall with three. Three was, in fact, so good that I almost wanted to skip writing this just so I could read Four. Which, in turn, would have disappointed me knowing that I don’t have Five to read and would also upset me that I would even have to wait to begin with. Kind of like when I got into Harry Potter. I read all of the books in a row up to three and then found myself waiting and pacing the floor until the others came out and I could read the new book in a day. Of course, Rowling also took her fucking sweet ass time. But it’s allowed, because she’s pretty and has an English accent. The wait with The Walking Dead is the comics have to come out before the hardcover can make its appearance. Balls. Anyway, I can’t even think of where to begin this review. It has a bunch of things that I fucking love…not so much that I hate…and makes me think of so many other possibilities of where this story can go.


They finally get the prison cleaned out and are preparing to spread out. Essentially so everyone can have their own “house.” While doing so, as I stated with the electricity thing, they come across a generator. What does a generator need? Gas. So they decide to try and siphon some from the cars outside of the prison. While doing so they see a helicopter go down. A helicopter! Holy shit! Let’s go for it. So Rick, Glenn, and Michonne take off after it. Meanwhile, back at the Prison…Carol (who is nuts after Tyreese left her for Michonne) tries to set up some weird lesbian/”Big Love” type setting asking Lori if her and Rick will marry her. Odd…to say the least, but it is obvious that she is the type of person that can‘t survive along (pretty much she needs an Alpha Male). Cue back to the group going after the helicopter because I really don’t care for the soap opera shit going on at the prison. Really. The only aspects of the “soap opera” that I can understand is the pairing off. Imagine if you are in a group of 15 people. Seven of the women and seven of the men have paired themselves off as couples. That leaves you…all alone. I can imagine how that would drive a person nuts. The last thing you would want is to be alone…in a world of fucking zombies. True, you are not alone in the most empirical sense, but as far as emotionally? You might as well go ahead and pack up the loony bus. Of course, this is just my personal opinion. I’m sure there are people out there who wouldn’t really give a fuck if during a zombie apocalypse they didn’t have someone to sleep with at night, someone to have sex with to feel alive, someone to look at them and make them feel needed. If you are one of these people. Go you. I don’t think I could take it. There are some aspects of this soap opera that I really hate though, especially anything to do with Lori because I really wish she’d died a long time ago. I can’t stand her. At all. She fucking complains about everything. Everything! Many times in The Walking Dead they try to pass this off as hormones from her being pregnant. I fucking say bullshit. She cheated on her husband (and likely got pregnant from said encounter) less then a month after the zombie shit started. She complains every time the group makes a new decision, every time her husband goes out for the good of the group, and every time someone says something against her opinion. I don’t just mean complain, complain is likely not a strong enough word. She bitches, like yells and throws a temper tantrum bitches. Fuck her. So the group gets to the helicopter to find it deserted and follow the tracks until they are captured. Captured by…The Governor.

This is the part of zombie tales that I fucking love. The bad guy. Not just the bad guy…“THE” bad guy. The group is taken to, essentially, a small town. The Governor runs said town. Where he has fights for the crowds (think gladiators), rapes women, mutilates and tortures, keeps his daughter as a zombie pet (whom he feeds body parts from those he mutilates and tortures), and goes to sleep staring at a collection of heads from those he’s killed. The dude is Grade A Nuts. He makes the leader of the soldiers in 28 Days Later look like a pussy. He makes fucking Humungus from The Road Warrior look like a baby. Well…maybe not so much in physical stature (Humungus was fucking huge), but in sheer brutality…I would say The Governor has him beat. When I was talking to ashes about the series she made sure to point out The Governor. She basically conveyed that she didn’t like him and that he was an asshole. I think that was being nice. I don’t want to give away too much but I will say the majority of his brutality goes against Michonne. Because Michonne is female you can only imagine what I’m talking about here. I will say though that she gets some revenge, I won’t give away much but at one point it involves hammering his dick with a nail into a board. No lie…I seriously didn’t give much away there.

Where Book Two started doing the Man vs. Man thing that I was talking about. This, is the Man vs. Man part of apocalypse stories that I love. I like when they show the exact opposite. When you’ve been following this group that is trying to remain civil, human, and they come across that group that is anything but. In some stories this is the group that has resorted to cannibalism. In others it’s the one that rides around on motorcycles (I’m looking at you Dawn of the Dead…the original that is). The group that rapes and pillages (check pretty much every gang in The Road and as stated previously The Road Warrior). The group that only wants power and domination (pretty much everyone listed…throw The Book of Eli in there). It’s the group that doesn’t negotiate, that takes what they want, and that kills everyone in their way. They don’t care about humanity, they don’t care if anyone else survives, they are out for themselves and that’s it.

I always wonder which one of these groups I would belong to. Would I put my neck out for total strangers? Or would I simply go out for myself? I suppose this is a question everyone would have to ask themselves.

The pictures, as they appear, are of Tyreese, Michonne, and The Governor.

#13 The Walking Dead: Book Two

The Walking Dead: Book Two takes a slightly different path. It gets darker, if that’s even possible. Somehow it manages to though. How does it get darker?

First off the beginning of this one, naturally, picks up and the end of the last one. They are arriving at a prison. Now your first thought may be. Why in the fuck would they want to go to a prison? Easy. Think about how hard it is to break out of prison…now think about the opposite. How hard would it be to get into a prison? If you look at it from that simple standpoint you can then imagine how hard it would be for a dumb, slow moving zombie to get in. You can also look at it in the sense that there are beds, food, water, and electricity. Prisons are pretty much self-sufficient cities. The book takes it a step further by foreshadowing (with buses in the carpool and the possibility of using them for travel) and beginning to start again (planting crops in the prison yard). The problem in this book however doesn’t really stem from what’s going on outside (I.e. zombie decides to eat your face) as much as what is going on inside.


Several new characters are introduced, and like the first one, many of the new and old characters die. However, unlike the first book where they died at the teeth of zombies, they totally die at the hands of humans. In fact, 7 characters die in book two, only one of which at the hands of a zombie. You would think many of these new characters would be prisoners (because it takes place at a prison...duh) but we are only introduced to 4 new characters this way. By far the most interesting character of this book is an outsider named Michonne. The girl comes onto the scene carting two zombies without arms and lower jaws attached to her with chains, wielding a sword like she’s a fucking ninja. The two zombies? Her boyfriend and his best friend. Bitch is a badass. However, other then the initial introduction of her slicing and dicing we don’t really see much more of this “uber” side to her. However, she is both feared and respected for the simple fact that she was traveling alone. Another shining light in book two is Tyreese. He is by far becoming my favorite character. I’m getting a little tired of Rick and family. Which also plays out in the book in much the same way with other characters (in other words everyone is getting tired of Rick).

I didn’t like Book Two as much as I liked Book One. Even though the conflict is increasing, fucked up shit happens, zombies are killed by the hundreds it seems like, and the characters are becoming more real. I think it was because of the man vs. man conflict that I began to lose interest in it. Not so much because that bores me but because you are practically assaulted with it in this one. I don’t think there is a single time where you can’t flip four pages without someone yelling at someone else or someone blaming someone else. You would think, now that they can ban together and start over in an almost paradise like setting, that they would work together towards this common goal. That’s not the case though. I could have settled
for a…well he killed that guy because he had to. But to take that to: well he killed that guy because he had to…this guy knows about it…this other guy kills someone because he had to…and this guy knows about it…now lets fight and let everyone know about it. In other words everyone’s dirty little secret seems to come out in this one. Not to mention we find out that one lady doesn’t like to put a penis in her mouth and another, well, she’ll do it. Let’s just say I felt like I was watching a poorly scripted zombie soap opera. Which doesn’t make this TV version they are planning sound very appealing. If anything it is making me think the exact opposite. I can see how they would take the soap opera and stretch it out into something ungodly. Next thing you know in the series someone is going to have a pet family member ala Fido. But what the fuck do I know right? I mean, with all the sleeping around that is taking place in The Walking Dead it should be ripe for the Boob Tube.

Bottom line. It is nowhere near as good as Book One. In fact, were it possible, I would tell you to skip Book Two. Just know the basics and continue on. The artwork is still amazing though.

I also just remembered that one of the prisoners escapes after trying an uprising. We never see him die. I wonder if he brings the thunder back with him. Hrmmmmm.

#12 The Walking Dead: Book One

The Walking Dead is by far the coolest thing…ever. Well, I suppose that would only apply to someone who is completely obsessed with zombies. Were it not for legal matters (I.e. I’m bleeding money) I would probably be getting my horror movie half sleeve right now, a large part of which would be a zombie. However, that’s beside the point. When I first got into the series it was via the paperbacks. They weren’t comic book size, nor were they apt to be considered a novella, more like a short story. I didn’t even realize they published the walking dead as a comic until much later. They are also a rather expensive hobby. Anyway, they combined several of these into book form, each of which contain 12 issues of the story. There are currently five books out, but if what ashes told me earlier is correct, the fifth one is sold out. As the creator Robert Kirkman says in an “Afterword” at the back of the book, the series is intended for zombie fans to show you what happens at the end of a zombie movie, never ending, continuous. You will, should you be a zombie fan, a comic book fan, a horror fan, or all of the above, quickly become engrossed in the series. When I started reading the paperbacks my friend only had a few of them and I devoured them. Instead of hanging with him that night at his house I sat in a corner with some beer and read them all as quickly as possible. Absorbing them in and tossing around ideas in my head of where these characters were going to end up. It begins, in a familiar way…

With a dude waking up from a coma in a hospital. *does a quick check* Well, 28 Days Later was released in 2002, the first issue of The Walking Dead was in 2003. Rick (the main character and former coma patient) is a police officer injured in a shoot out. He awakens a month later to find himself in a deserted hospital, deserted that is until he walks into the cafeteria. Being by himself he actually takes it in stride, he certainly doesn’t flip his shit and piss himself. Nor does he turn into a babbling crazy person that rocks in a corner. Which would be understandable. Instead he tries to find out what’s going on. It is while he is in the process of searching his abandoned house that he runs into a father and his son (who, in the first book have a short story about them in the back). It is with them that he learns about what has happened (which is basically jack shit, because like any good zombie movie they don’t even attempt to delve into what caused it), and also that the people were told that it was safer to go to the large cities. Because it was here that the government can protect you and keep you safe. Naturally, you can imagine what a cluster fucked idea that was. Way to go government! The city he figures his wife would have gone with his son? Atlanta.

As you can imagine this is where the story really picks up. Soon Rick meets a group of survivors on the outskirt of Altanta, included in this group are his wife Lori and son Carl (who I am assuming will be the main characters throughout)…how lucky is that? Well, maybe a little too lucky. Now, from any of you that are a fan of the zombie genre you can kind of see where this is going. People will be added on to the group, people in the group will die, the group will fight, the group will struggle, the group will attempt to survive. It is here that The Walking Dead really shines. The story manages to give each member of the group their own distinct and unique personality. There are no two people who are really alike. None of the men are the same, nor are any of the women. Each has their own personal back stories and personal battles. Not only does the The Walking Dead accomplish this wonderfully but it is how it manages to tell so many different stories in such a small amount of time that makes it unique. Stories that are very realistic possibilities. Whether that be the jealous single man that covets another mans wife. A teenage couple attempting to still uncover the mysteries of love and life despite what is going on around them. An old man finding comfort in the arms of a much younger woman. Children trying to still be children. Married couples that strive to maintain their marriage in the shadow of the horrors going on around them. Starvation. Isolation. Depression. You have a man who refuses to kill family members that have turned because he can’t comprehend the fact that they are dead. You have another that can’t stand the loss of a loved one while others are able to summon up some inner courage and continue. The group is fighting for a new place they can call home, a new place that can remind them of what they once had.

Of course you also have axe blades slicing open a zombie skull at the same time a hammer claw sticks into another one. The artwork of The Walking Dead is just as captivating as the story itself. I never really realized it while reading but the damn thing is actually in black and white. I have no idea how I didn’t notice that but for some reason it works beautifully. Displaying the gore and violence in a black and white format somehow makes it a little more brutal and wonderful all at the same time. There is no red blood splattered all over the page. No green tint to a zombie face. You don’t have to see the colors of the chunks in a characters vomit. Nor the blue of their tears streaming down their face. In a way this also helps to convey the emotions going on with the characters. You rely on the look in their eyes, the way the artist portrays a clinched fist, the fact that their teeth are grinding together. While it has its fair amount of dialogue the book relies on this imagery a lot. A lone figure standing in the rain. A hand on a shoulder. The original art was done by Tony Moore (known for Battle Pope and also work with Ghost Rider and Punisher) but he was later replaced by Charlie Adlard (who has done work with Judge Dredd, The X-Files, Batman/Scarface and many more).

Bottom line, it’s pretty, brutal, honest, and amazing. If you say a Graphic Novel isn’t actual literature…take a look at The Walking Dead.

#11 Death Troopers

Zombie, zombie, where’s the zombies. I smell a zombie. Zombie, zombie, gotta be a zombie. Only one thing smells like a zombie and that’s zombies. Zombie, zombie, zombie, zombie, there. In that book. What’s it say?! I can’t read! Please, please tell me what’s in that book. Oozing, pussing, moaning, zombies! Oh boy, oh boy, num num num num num it’s zombies!

Be prepared ladies and gentlemen. I’m about to go on a zombie binge. After this one I think I have…six…other zombie books to get through. Man, do I love it when I have friends that are as obsessed with zombies as I am. This one, by Joe Schreiber, is about zombies. I mean, with a title like Death Troopers you would likely think it is either something to do with zombies or some weird military book that deals with some badass unit. In other words…no…that would be an awesome book too, with a unit with a title like that. Anyways, the full title of the book should make you have a geekgasm. Star Wars: Death Troopers. Did you have a geekgasm? Did you? You should have. I don’t care who originally came up with the idea of combining zombies and Star Wars but the motherfucker is a goddamn genius. Ok…let me get back on track. 234 pages. The book is 234 pages. Jesus, where do I even begin?

The book takes place, I’m assuming, just a little before the events in A New Hope. I will discuss why in a little while. We start on an imperial prison ship headed to some prison moon that breaks down en-route. We are introduced to the main players right off the bat. Two brothers, the sons of a smuggler who recently died at the hands of the Captain of the guards. A doctor who was a rich girl that turned her back on that to actually “help” people. The before mentioned Captain of the guards. And…well, that’s really kind of it for the beginning of the book. I mean, we meet a guy that hates the brothers. We see that everyone pretty much hates the Captain of the guards. We also find out that everyone wants to see the doctor naked. As they drift through space they come across a ghost ship, which so happens to be an Imperial Destroyer (said to hold some 10,000 imperial troops), and board said ship to find parts to fix their own. Soon, the prison ship becomes over ran with an infection that kills quickly and our cast of main characters are the only ones left alive. Until…

The zombies arrive. Now, I don’t really know how to explain the zombies in this. They are kind of a combination of zombies and rage infected humans. Combined with…I remember some comic book villain that basically infected people with a hive mind…or you could just say The Flood from Halo or The Borg from Star Trek. Although more intelligent, the zombies even use weapons. I guess that kind of sums that up.

So…how was the book as a whole?

I didn’t really feel much for the characters. In fact, the only one I really felt for, White, is a really minor character. Likewise for a guard early on in the book. What’s more is you really find yourself feeling sorry for a character you never even fucking meet, just hear about. There was also a little twist that left me feeling, meh? Han Solo and Chewie are in this book (the reason why I saw before A New Hope is because Han is in his 20‘s). Of course, you could have guessed that with the fact that it is a prison barge and even in the movie they talk about their many run-ins with the empire. However, I don’t think they were really necessary for the book. If anything they just take away from the other characters. Not to say I didn’t love having some more interaction with the dynamic duo, I just felt they could have been used better elsewhere. The zombies also annoyed me a little, plus that the infection was a living organism threw me off guard too. There was also the little fact that characters keep re-surfacing for some fucking reason that doesn't make any sense. Say, for example, when the bad guy the brothers kill near the beginning ends up right there grabbing him as a zombie near the end? With some 10,000+ zombies what are the fucking odds?

I’ve only read a few other Star Wars books, most notably Star Wars: Darth Bane: Path of Destruction. Which, for those of you who have never heard about Darth Bane, he is like the most badass fucking Sith like ever…ever! So I can understand his desire to throw in characters that everyone can recognize, but I don’t think it was necessary for the story. In fact, it only made me wonder why Han never mentioned anything about goddamn zombies in the movies. You would think that would come about in conversation at some point.

Luke: I just saw Obi-Wan.

Han: Say what.

Luke: I just saw Obi-Wan.

Chewie: Rarrgghhh.

Han: I know big guy shut up. Look kid, where did you see the old man?

Luke: As a ghost,

Han: Ohh thank fucking yoda. Look kid, never say you saw a dead person because you have never seen a dead person until you’ve seen a walking dead person.

Luke: A what?

Han: Look, nothing, I don’t want to talk about it.

All in all? Read it if you are a Star Wars fan. If you’re not, you really won’t be interested in the ships, or a zombie Stormtrooper, or what the fuck an X-Wing is. You would likely just be lost the first time you read Rodian (see picture) or Dug and went, what the fuck do they look like? So there is my recommendation. Do you like Stars Wars annnnnnd zombies? Then this book is a great read.