I'm So Confused

I’ve been dating Jami for around a month now. Our first date was interesting. It was a “un-date” seeing as how she was tired of the dating scene. We went out to eat and then she participated in this thing called “Write Club” (I posted the link to it in a previous blog). Not only did I meet some of her friends at this “un-date,” but I also met her parents. From there it was another dinner and drinks, followed by me going to see her one night when I got off work, another date of dinner and drinks, and her coming to see me when I got off work. Things are great, I like her, she’s a wonderful woman with a great personality. In fact…I think she’s the first person I’ve ever even gone on a date with that was generally, and truly, nice to me. Talking to coveredinbees she told me I needed to find a nice girl. I think I found one, I’m just not ready.

From the start of my transition back into dating (I took two years off remember) I’ve given myself one rule. No relationships. My whole intent, my purpose, is to go out and have fun. It had been forever since I went out with a woman, enjoyed the company of estrogen instead of testosterone…really flirted with a pretty face. First kisses. First meetings. First laughs. Not only that but I want to play the field. I’ve never tried “dating.” Most of the time I went on a date it was for the purpose of being in a relationship. In fact, I can honestly say that I’ve only been on three dates that didn’t end in a relationship. And those were some terrible dates. Truth be told, I don’t know if I know how to “date.”

Another aspect to look at is that I have basically shut myself off emotionally. Mentally I have this giant wall up. A cavernous black hole. I’m not letting myself feel anything. I suppose this is the same detachment that people who have meaningless sex have. It is foreign to me, alien…but it feels right, and wrong, at the same time. I have entirely too many what-if’s in my life right now to try and share those with someone else. How can I get into a relationship with someone when I know I don’t want to settle in Georgia? When I still have the freedom to explore the world? Does that mean its wrong of me to simply want to have fun? Is it wrong for me to “date?” Or should I just limit my “dating” to…say…two dates per person?

I also know I’m not ready to tie anything down because I’m not ready to stop looking. Like I said…I just started dating after two years. It feels like I would be cheating myself if I just stopped as soon as I started. If she knocks my socks off? Maybe. But how will I know if she does that, or can do that, if I have this wall up? I don’t want to hurt these girls I’m dating…the last thing I want is for them to fall for me. I don’t want to be that guy.

It’s all so fucking foreign to me.

Jami is awesome though. She’s a smart, single mother. She’s a writer (seriously…you can check out her blogs Date Wrecks and Freak Bacon), and she’s funny. She’s cute. She’s fun. She’s flirty. She has an amazing ass and she’s experimental in bed. See? All good traits. But I’m just not ready, and that’s not fair to her. It’s not fair to her to pretend I want more. It’s not fair to her to string her along while I try and figure myself out. So, we decided to lose the sex (seriously, sex fucks shit up…I’ve said this a million times) and I guess we’re going to take a hiatus. I honestly don’t know where that leads from here, I hope she’s still available for a date when I go to Atlanta. If not, I hope she finds someone that deserves the awesomeness that is her. I do know that I don’t want to stop talking to her…she’s hella entertaining and good for conversation.

So where does that leave me? I guess I’m going to start saving money again (I spent over $1000 in the last week on med bills…I’m feeling better though), and get back out there. I know I have another date tentatively planned for a week to two weeks from now. I have another “what-if” scenario that may play itself out soon. I’d like to take that trip to Orlando…even though I might have to wait another month or so.

Basically I’m going to try and live the life I want to live. I’m looking out for myself this time. I just hope I can stay the course without depressing the fuck outta myself.