#16 Pride and Prejudice and Zombies

First off I suppose I should begin by saying that I am not a fan of Jane Austen. Nope…not a fan…at all. I had to read Emma, whether that be in college or high school I can’t even remember. However, I do know, like this book, that I literally had to force myself to finish it. For what? Is what I really want to know. Why would anyway want to read a book in which the ending is practically hand delivered to you before you’re even that far into it? Seriously, did anyone think that Elizabeth wasn’t going to marry Darcy? Even when she hated him? Or that Jane wasn’t going to marry that other guy with a B name? Why read a book, especially a work of fiction, if it has no mystery to it whatsoever? How many pages were devoted to the fucking tour of Pemberley? That’s like people who go to the Biltmore Estates in North Carolina…it’s a fucking huge house with a garden! Although I have a sneaky suspicion I will go there at some point in my life on some romantic getaway. Anyway, to finish my zombie bender I’ve currently been on, my friend had Pride and Prejudice and Zombies and I figured, “What the hell, it can’t be that bad with zombies in it right?” Holy god fuck was I wrong. I don’t even know where to begin with this piece of shit.

A rundown on plot. If you’ve never read Pride and Prejudice my advice is don’t. The story follows a family, the Bennet’s, primarily the next to oldest daughter Elizabeth. There are five daughters mind you. In this incarnation Elizabeth is cocky, headstrong, independent, a cutter, and still a girlie girl. Nothing wrong with that, in my opinion, she’s my kind of woman. She, throughout the book, tries to tell herself that she doesn’t like this insanely rich dude named Darcy, but she does…and you can tell they’re going to get married despite protests from other people that he is out of her league. Her sister Jane is the prettier one of the five who likes to see the good in everyone. She falls in love with Bingley, there is a bunch of deceit by the Bing dudes family (and Darcy but totally not meant to harm anyone), but eventually they will get back together and marry. Then there’s the youngest Bennet, Lydia, who marries a guy who ends up becoming a cripple, Wickham, who is hated by pretty much everyone but none more so than Darcy (not to mention at one point Wickham and Elizabeth were kind of hooking up). There’s some other random shit thrown in there. Like Elizabeth’s cousin who wants to marry her but ends up marrying her best friend because she turns him down. Or that when these people go to visit friends they stay for two months. Two fucking months? What the fuck? Talk about overstaying your welcome. The book is like an episode of Jerry Springer, with pretty language, pretty sets, and nice costumes. The plot may sound decent, but not when you throw in the extra two hundred pages of fluff. I’m pretty sure that’s how the original Pride and Prejudice goes down, and Zombies just makes the girls trained by Shaolin monks and throws in some zombie encounters for good measure.

I was wondering how to dissect this book and I’ve decided to give you passages as a look into it.

"Oh!" said Lydia stoutly, "I am not afraid; for though I am the youngest, I'm also the most proficient in the art of tempting the other sex." -pg 10

What? For the love of god someone please tell me that this exact line is in the original book. Because if it is…I totally love sluts from the early 1800’s. If it’s not somebody needs to go find Seth Grahame-Smith and punch him in his testicles. Lydia is 15 when she says that line.

"Happiness in marriage is entirely a matter of chance, and it is better to know as little as possible of the defects of the person whom you are to pass your life."-pg 20

You know, I’ve always told myself that I would at least have to live with a girl for an extended period of time before I could even consider marrying them. This is basically telling me…fuck that…you should just get married and deal with it.

"You forget that I am a student of Pei Liu of Shaolin, mother. Besides, for every unmentionable one meets upon the road, one meets three soldiers. I shall be back by dinner."-pg 25

This is spoken by Elizabeth as she goes to see sick Jane at the B’s. Remember several things here…because it will be drilled into you in the book. She was trained by the Shaolin monks. Her master was Pei Liu. She sees zombies as pests. In other news the zombies in this book are the old school, rise from graves type of zombies. Not that there is anything wrong with that…it’s just a little…outdated.

"Jane and Elizabeth tried to explain that all five of them were capable of fending for themselves; that they could make tolerable fortunes as bodyguards, assassins, or mercenaries if need be." -pg 50

You tell em girls. You totally don’t need a man because you kill shit! *headdesk* Really? Really? See this is where Seth doesn’t really think things out. You’re writing an addition to a novel, that relies on women wanting to get married/needing to get married for family and financial reasons. Do you really think it’s wise to simply try and attempt to throw that out the window in one sentence?

"In describing to her all the grandeur of Lady Catherine and her mansion, which had received considerable improvements, including a grand dojo, and new quarters for her private guard of ninjas..." -pg 61

You hear that people? Ninjas. Ninjas motherfuckers. Because it totally makes sense, in fact, including the Asian martial arts makes complete sense. Fuck the fact that it makes absolutely no sense that a semi-wealthy family would send their daughters to be trained by fucking Shaolin monks! Let’s also toss out the fact that Ninjas are in such fucking demand that you can literally order them to come and protect your shit.

"An unhappy alternative is before you, Elizabeth. From this day you must be stranger to one of your parents. Your mother will never see you again if you do not marry Mr. Collins, and I will never see you again if you do; for I shall not have my best warrior resigned to the service of a man who is fatter than Buddha and duller than the edge of a learning sword." -pg 88

Ok…this totally made me laugh.

"...so she sprang skyward, firing her musket as she flew through the air, her bullets penetrating the heads of several unmentionables...Her feet, fists, and blade were too swift for the clumsy horde, and they began to retreat."-pg 117

You got that people? You better recognize. Cause a MUSKET totally shoots BULLETS. You know, not just one bullet…but bullets. Enough to rapid fire while flying through the air and hitting a couple of zombies in the head.

"I have told Miss Bennet several times, that she will never be half my equal unless she practices more; and though Mrs. Collins has no dojo, she is very welcome, as I have often told her, to come to Rosings every day, and spar with my ninjas, provided she promises to kill no more of them."-pg 135

Ummmmmm. First off let me explain that those names should be reversed. That should be Miss Bennet that killed the ninjas and Mrs. Collins who needs to train. Aside from that, let me get back to that ninja killing. So at one point, when Lady Catherine de Bourgh hears that Elizabeth can slay some Naz…I mean zombies she sets up a sparing session between her and some of her ninjas. Let me break this down for you. Elizabeth is trained by Shaolin monks…Chinese. Naturally Catherine can’t stand the Chinese because she was trained by the Japanese and employs Ninjas. Kind of like that whole
stand-off in Fist of Legend. Anyway, Elizabeth blindfolds herself and slays the fuck outta three ninjas during a “sparring” session. I don’t know how people spared in that time period but I’m pretty sure it didn’t involve dismembering. The best part…Elizabeth uses a fucking Katana (top picture). A Japanese weapon. Shaolin would have used something more along the lines of a lion head tai chi sword or a Chinese broadsword (bottom picture). But who am I? I’m sure he did research for the book. I mean anybody who trains awhile with some Shaolin monks can walk around the room on one finger in a handstand right? Right? No? Then why did Elizabeth? Oh, let me not forget to mention that Elizabeth’s family does have a dojo…her dad is walking to it near the end of the book.

"Wah can be da meaning of dis?" howled Charlotte, as soon as he was gone. "Mah dear Ewiza, he muss be love you, aw he never wuh have called in dis famiwiar way." -pg 141

Aww Isn’t that cute, Charlotte is turning into a zombie? No? It’s not cute, it’s annoying? Ok. Wait…did I tell you that she is “turning” into a zombie for like a fucking year? Seriously, I can’t remember how long it takes but it’s months, like months, months.

"But no sooner had she struck down the first five or six, than the cracking of gunpowder scattered the score that remained. Elizabeth held a defensive pose as the zombies limped hurriedly for the safety of the woods..."-pg 199

I totally forgot to mention that didn’t I? The undead, the zombies, run away. Because they totally have the mental capacity to know that they’re in trouble and should get the fuck outta there. Especially in a 20 on 2 situation like this one. With those pesky semi-auto muskets.

"Lady Catherine was extremely indignant on the marriage of her nephew; and her reply to the letter which announced its arrangement came not in written form, but in the form of an attack on Pemberley by five-and-ten of her ladyship's ninjas."-pg 316

Right…send 15...because the 3 Elizabeth killed blindfolded was total luck.

In case you can’t tell I hated this book. There is no consistency, no reason for half the shit that is added. I had about a hundred and thirty pages left that I had to force myself to read so I wouldn’t feel like a failure. If you’re going to do something like what Seth is trying to do here are some hints. #1. Stay true. If you’re going to have Elizabeth get pissed off enough to want to decapitate someone when they bad mouth her. Have her want to do the same when someone runs away with her little sister. #2. Do some research. So you don’t have a gun that holds one bullet shoot multiple ones, or a Chinese Shaolin English Female Asskicking Master wield a sword that is not only foreign, but would be foreign to someone training in that style. #3. Pick a story that it actually works to manipulate. Seriously…a woman that takes like 10 months to become a zombie? Not to mention just a random insert of zombies that kills off some random character?

If this book was just going for humor and I’m taking this entirely too seriously, my apologies. However, it went from being interesting, to stupid, to just plain boring. Here’s an idea Seth. Stop your gimmick and try writing your own story. Nothing like destroying what to some people is a classic just so you can get published, because you have no talent.

The Zombie Does Call

To Begin

I have seen many a zombie film, many, and while it was difficult to narrow it down to just eleven I felt it was necessary in order to keep this from going exceedingly long. I’m not just a fan of zombie films though, as evident by my latest book reviews, I’m a fan of anything zombie. Of course, once again, this passion is fueled through friends. While I missed the Zombie Walk in Atlanta this year I did have several friends who attended, we also have zombie themed parties, we discuss on a regular basis what exactly we would do during a zombie apocalypse (including the best type of clothes, transportation, and weapons), and play the video games (Resident Evil, Left 4 Dead, etc). Before I get into the actual list I would also like to give a shout out to two “pioneers” of the zombie craze. While I’ll discuss Day of the Dead and the remake of Dawn of the Dead you can’t really think of anything in the zombie genre without discussing Romero. The man is a legend, a god if you will, among the fans of the living dead. I have had friends wait in line for hours just to get his autograph. His first film Night of the Living Dead hailing from 1968, has been discussed to no end , and few people will not know what you are talking about when you say, “They’re coming to get you Barbara.” So, a little salute to him Night of the Living Dead, Dawn of the Dead, Day of the Dead, Land of the Dead, Diary of the Dead, Survival of the Dead.The other would have to be Lucio Fulci. I’m not a big fan of Fulci’s Zombi 2 & Zombi 3, but I feel it necessary to mention him. The man is considered a legend in horror films and while I found Zombi 2 boring and ridiculous (it’s kind of retarded when a character simply watches a zombie bite him without even trying to stop it) he is a pioneer none the less. So, a salute to him as well. You’ll also notice a lack of the “voodoo” zombie movies, basically because I can’t stand them. While most people like to discuss the political, religious, and psychological meaning behind zombie films I’m not one of them. For me it’s simply the love of the genre. As I stated I’ve narrowed down this list to my top eleven, at the end I’ll give you a list of all the zombie films I’ve seen to which I actually remember the titles. Without further ado.

My Top Eleven

Dawn of the Dead (remake)
2004
Directed by Zack Snyder (300, Watchmen)
Written by George A. Romero & James Gunn (“PG Porn“)
Starring: Sarah Polley, Ving Rhames, Jake Weber, Mekhi Phifer, Michael Kelly.
I love the original Dawn of the Dead, don’t get me wrong, I enjoy everything about it. However, I feel that the remake is, overall, a much better film. Even though I really do miss the bikers. Dawn of the Dead features a group of survivors that hole up in a mall. During this time we are mainly given a glimpse into how people interact and how they survive. Whether that be shooting the living dead as a game, playing chess with binoculars, doing a little cross-dressing, or having someone emerge as the leader of the living. The movie doesn’t really harp on the “what are we going to do now” aspect, for the most part they seem content to just stay right where they are at, yet they plan an escape from the mall. The escape doesn’t go as expected and we are left wondering what will happen to those that remain. The only problem with Dawn of the Dead is that we never really feel for any of the characters, save for the one played by Sarah Polley. Although I did like the gun that owned the gun store. While I understand his death was necessary to move the story along I also don’t understand why he just didn’t tap into the sewer line and go into the mall to begin with. I will say however, even if this can be disputed, that this is the first film I remember having a zombie baby, courtesy of the highly underused (in this film) Mekhi Phifer.


Day of the Dead
1985
Directed by George A. Romero (The Dark Half, Creepshow)
Written by George A. Romero
Starring: Lori Cardille, Terry Alexander, Joseph Pilato, Sherman Howard.
I was three years old when Day of the Dead came out and it is likely my favorite zombie film. The plot is simple enough. It takes place at a military compound underground and, like Dawn of the Dead, it centers on a group of survivors (many of which are military). There isn’t any profound difference between this and many other zombie films, except for two things. One, I still think this is not only the goriest zombie film I’ve ever seen, but likely one of the goriest films I have seen…period. A particular scene sticks out in my head and I find myself remembering it when I hear someone scream. As the base is being overrun (which was bound to happen, it is a horror film after all) one of the soldiers is pinned to the ground by the undead horde. His head is slowly ripped off as he is screaming. As it happens, and his vocal chords stretch, his screams gain a higher pitch. You see all of this is brutal detail, and the sound of that scream still lingers in my mind. The second aspect of the film that differentiates it from other zombie films comes in the character of Bub, played by Sherman Howard. For the first time (and a theme that will be played out not only in later Romero films but others as well) we have the “smart” zombie. Remember the lead zombie in Land of the Dead? He comes from Bub. I don’t really know why Romero decided to put this in there, I’m sure it had some political meaning, and I can’t really say I like this notion of zombies that can think and remember, but it definitely changed the idea of the “traditional” undead….that he created.

28 Days Later…
2002
Directed by Danny Boyle (Trainspotting, Slumdog Millionaire)
Written by Alex Garland (novel The Beach, Halo)
Starring: Cillian Murphy, Naomie Harris, Noah Huntley, Breendan Gleeson, Megan Burns, Stuart McQuarrie, Christopher Eccleston.
Ok, for those of you who just rolled your heads because 28 Days Later… is not a zombie film but a movie about “rage infected humans” go take a flying fuck. The movie is a goddamn zombie flick. Not only that, but it is a great zombie flick. Danny Boyle changed the genre completely. He introduced the “fast” zombies that have become almost common place now. Day of the Dead (remake) and Dawn of the Dead (remake) I’m looking at you in particular (of course the zombies in the Day of the Dead remake also ran across a fucking ceiling *headdesk*). The plot is thus: A man wakes up from a coma in London to find himself alone (in this is the scene that made everyone jump when the car alarm went off), eventually he comes across these rage (*cough* undead) fuckers and is saved by a young man and woman. They inform him that there was an outbreak and the world turned to shit. They travel, people die, they meet up with a father and daughter, they travel (which includes that nerve wracking scene in the tunnel) until they come across a military controlled area. Here we come back to the underlying theme in every zombie movie. People are your own worse enemy, not the undead. Everything goes to shit and we eventually realize that the whole of England has been quarantined, thus setting up 28 Weeks Later…. The movie is amazing, both visually and in terms of storytelling, and I would have to say that the acting is the best I’ve seen in any foray into the living dead.

Dead Snow
2009
Directed by Tommy Wirkola
Written by Stif Frode Henriksen and Tommy Wirkola (Kill Buljo: The Movie)
Starring: Vegar Hoel, Stig Frode Henriksen, Charlotte Frogner, Lasse Valdal, Evy Kasseth Rosten, Jeppe Laursen.
Where 28 Days Later… is serious as fuck…Dead Snow is the exact opposite. People, it has Nazi Zombies. Let me say that again and see if it sticks in your head NAZI…ZOMBIES. Seriously this movie is so over the top it is fanfuckingtastic. The premise? A group of young snow enthusiasts, I.e. alcoholics, go out for a little fun. In the middle of the night they are met by some weird dude who tells them that the mountain is cursed with Nazi’s. Cue said Nazi’s. From there it is mainly the group trying to survive as they get picked off one by one. But who can hate a machine gun strapped to the front of a snowmobile? Or the inevitable hacking of limbs and blood on virgin snow? Chainsaw! Say that with a voice that rings to the heavens, like you’re saying a Hallelujah! The movie is really just plain fun. My only problem with this one? I didn’t really feel that they were the undead so much as demons. They use weapons, they run in snow, they work as a unit (like actual soldiers). However, it is good clean entertainment.

Zombie Strippers
2008
Directed by Jay Lee
Written by Jay Lee (The Slaughter, The Affairs of God)
Starring: Jenna Jameson, Robert Englund, Roxy Saint, Penny Drake, Whitney Anderson.
Like Dead Snow, Zombie Strippers is a movie you can’t take seriously. The plot is fairly simple. There is an outbreak of zombies at a science lab, a group of soldiers goes in to take care of said outbreak, one of the soldiers is infected, runs away, and ends up in a strip club. A little fact about the virus in this one is that it is more potent in females. In other words they can still think, talk, and become somewhat super powered. Which happens at the strip club, naturally. The first one infected is Jenna Jameson, who I really miss from the days she actually looked good in porn. For some reason the men at the strip club find her even sexier and soon other strippers want to be zombie strippered out. They start infecting patrons, including a nice oral sex scene where Jenna bites the guys dick off. Before the military people come in again and clean house. Along the way is a side story of some goodie Christian girl (who certainly does not look Christian when she’s taking her clothes off, or with them on for that matter) who is trying to make money for her sick grandmother (if I remember correctly). The ever wonderful Freddy Krueger himself, Robert Englund, plays the sleazy owner of the club. Two things: One, it is sad when the most attractive members of the cast are not the actresses playing the strippers, but two in the military unit; Jessica Custodio and Laura Bach. Two, you must see this movie simply to watch the scene in which Jenna Jameson shoots pool balls out of her vagina. You heard that correctly, pool balls out of her vagina. Now this movie isn’t the greatest zombie flick ever made, its not even that wonderful of a movie in general, but it is loads of fun.

Fido
2006
Directed by Andrew Currie (Night of the Living, Mile Zero)
Written by Andrew Currie and Robert Chomiak (Mobile Suit Gundam Seed)
Starring: Carrie-Anne Moss, Billy Connolly, Dylan Baker, K'Sun Ray, Tim Blake Nelson.
Remember when I said that Bub in Day of the Dead changed zombies? Here ya go. Set in a picturesque like 50’s or 60’s (depending on how you want to look at it, it’s fucking “Leave it to Beaver” people) town, zombies are used as pets/slaves. Remember the end of Shaun of the Dead when they show the zombies doing menial tasks like pushing shopping carts? Well multiply that. The film also has the whole advertising feel that was used in Starship Troopers. After the undead outbreak a colony was formed, that colony decided to go back to the way things were, simple. Some of the living dead are used for slave tasks, or, in the case of Tim Blake Nelsons character…other things. Fido is the “dog” in a sense of K’Sun Ray’s Timmy Robinson. While Fido is protecting him he kills someone. Here again, things go to shit. The movie, more so than anything, is charming. It is not your typical horror film, nor is it a typical comedy, it’s a dark comedy. I really enjoyed the movie. I haven’t seen it in awhile but I should definitely add it to my collection. Carrie-Anne Moss is wonderful and I can’t believe they got Billy Connolly to play a zombie named Fido. Tim Blake Nelson is also delightful, then again I think he is spectacular in everything he is in (looking at you O’ Brother Where Art Thou).

The Vanguard
2008
Directed by Matthew Hope (In the Field)
Written by Matthew Hope
Starring: Ray Bullock Jr.
My review of The Vanguard after I initially saw it:
Ray Bullock Jr. stars as Max in this post-apocalyptic zombie film that takes place in rural England. As far as zombie films and independent films go, it’s not too shabby. Max is alone out in the woods where he faces “Biosyns” (they’re fucking zombies), living alone we basically hear an internal monologue for a large portion of the film. Soon there is a military presence (in the forms of “Trackers”), I don’t really know why they come into play. Apparently the military (part of a corporation) is going to waste the whole area anyway and their job is to basically kill any survivors, so it doesn’t make sense why they just don’t waste the whole area to begin with. We meet up with some other survivors. We find out that Max is the cure to the disease (ala I Am Legend) with some really weird story. Bottom line, it’s a good zombie film done on a small budget. Watch it just to see Max go after some zombies duel wielding hatchets.
Now: When I look back on the film I actually see it as better then I painted it in this review. For example, again looking at Bub, the zombies begin to work together, even communicate, to achieve their goal. It also says something that I really remember the movie. Even though I saw it awhile ago I can still see it with clarity. To re-iterate what I said in my initial review as well, watch it just to see Max duel wielding hatchets. I’m actually surprised to see all the negative reviews on IMDB, for the budget this film was likely made with, and the acting of Ray Bullock Jr., I think the film actually stands out amongst its competitors.


Zombieland
2009
Directed by Ruben Fleischer (Zombieland 2)
Written by Rhett Reese (Monsters, Inc. Deadpool) and Paul Wernick (“The Joe Schmo Show“)
Starring: Woody Harrelson, Jesse Eisenberg, Emma Stone, Abigail Breslin, Bill Murray.
I remember when I saw the first trailer for Zombieland I about died. Yep, right there with my pants around my ankles I about died. Wait…Zombieland came in trying to feed off the wake of Shaun of the Dead and while it passed with flying colors I also don’t think it compares to Shaun. The humor in Shaun is better, the story is better, and the interaction between the characters is better. What Zombieland has for it though is a fantastic cast, and an Americanization of the zombie comedy. The story is more of a road trip then just your generic zombie film, and as such it died a little in my overall perspective of the film. In fact, the first time I watched it I wasn’t even that impressed, especially with Bill Murray. I felt the scene with him took away not only from the pacing of the movie, but from the overall feel of it in general. Upon subsequent viewings I can actually enjoy the scene with him, and understanding that it is a road trip movie I can look at it with different eyes. Zombieland follows a ragtag group of survivors. That’s pretty much it. The underlying subplots would be a growing romance between Eisenberg and Stone and the illusive Twinkie that Harrelson searches for. The movie doesn’t really bring anything new to the table. There isn’t any new and spectacular undead kills (yes, I realize one of them gets a piano dropped on them)…ok, maybe their aren‘t any “spectacular“ zombie kills…I totally forgot that Harrelson uses random weapons like they‘re candy. No new explanation for the cause of the zombie apocalypse. It doesn’t have a high gore level or raise the bar for action. What Zombieland does is combine all of the elements that we love in a zombie movie and make it funny.

Shaun of the Dead
2004
Directed by Edgar Wright (Hot Fuzz, "Spaced")
Written by Simon Pegg (Run Fatboy Run, Hot Fuzz) and Edgar Wright
Starring: Simon Pegg, Kate Ashfield, Nick Frost, Lucy Davis, Dylan Morgan, Nicola Cunningham, Bill Nighy.
The…wicked step child….of…every…zombie…film. I fucking love Shaun of the Dead. Hands down it is my favorite above any other. Why? Because it is every other zombie movie. Literally. The guys put so much in this film it is literally a fangasm. From the music, to the references, to the slight innuendos and dialogue. You know you are watching the work of a fan when you see this. Like their buddy cop movie Hot Fuzz the guys made this film not so much for the casual observer but for the people like them. Oh man. So the plot (You’ve got red on you) is thus (You’re dead). Two slackers wake up one day to find that the world has been overrun with zombies (the Zed word). In a plan to figure out what do to Shaun grabs his mother, his recently x’ed girlfriend, her two friends, and his best friend, and they haul ass to get to their favorite bar. The bar that runs their lives, The Winchester. Along the way they kill zombies with pretty much everything imaginable. One of the things that I love most about this movie is they use the slow zombies. While fast zombies are certainly terrifying (I would most assuredly be fucked if this were the case) the slow living dead are the ones that are truly scary. Simply because they typically don’t get you one on one, but rather in groups. It’s the humor of the film that stands out more then anything though. Now, I’ve heard it is difficult for some people to understand British humor (I’m sure this is the reason why they make so many successful british comedies into American ones) but I find the humor of Shaun to be universal. How can you not laugh when they throw records? Or when Queen comes on and they have their little dance number hitting the zombie with pool sticks? If you’ve not seen Shaun of the Dead you should…right this moment…right now.


Trailer Park of Terror
2008
Directed by Steven Goldmann (Metallica: 2 of One, Bruce Springsteen: A Secret History)
Written by Timothy Dolan (Hansel & Gretel, Monster Mutt)
Starring: Nichole Hiltz.
One night I was flipping through movies to rent on the boob tube and I slid on over to the horror movie section. My roomie was planning on watching a movie with me and the first thing out of his mouth was, “Don’t rent something retarded.” My eyes gazed lovingly down the list and as soon as I saw the title, Trailer Park of Terror I hit the rent button. His reaction, “Goddamn’t I said rent something that wasn’t stupid.” He started to get up and leave the room when the opening credits started. By the end of the film we both looked at each other and agreed that, holy shit, that movie was pretty fucking good. You have to go in it knowing that it is a B film. You have to. For fucksakes Trace Adkins plays the devil (the man is 6’6”). No one is going to win any Oscars. It’s not going to get nominated for any screenplay awards. Shit, most of the actors are likely never even going to make it into an A-Caliber film. But the movie is plain old fucking entertainment. Taken straight from the website...because the site puts it ten times better then I ever could. "Six troubled high school students and their chaperone are returning from a retreat when their bus crashes, stranding them in the middle of Trailer Park Hell...literally. Without warning, Hillbilly Zombies looking for fun begin slaughtering the teens in gruesome fashion." Like Dead Snow though the zombies are much more demon than zombie. They talk, think, and generally act like hellions. Overall the movie is fucking hilarious. When one of the undead gets blown up he basically looks around going, “Where’s my dick?” Seriously…just take my word for it and watch it.


The Zombie Diaries
2006
Written and Directed by Michael Bartlett and Kevin Gates (the only thing they’ve done)
Starring: Russell Jones, Craig Stovin, Jonnie Hurn, James Fisher, Anna Blades, Imogen Church, Victoria Nalder.
Do you like the “reality” style? You know the films like Cloverfield? What was that other piece of shit…oh yeah, The Blair Witch Project? Well, in the undead genre I would have to say The Zombie Diaries is by far the best one of the group. Yes, I am tossing Diary of the Dead and Quarantine into this. Quarantine by far had the highest budget (at least it appears that way). Diary of the Dead has Romero. The Zombie Diaries is as independent as they come. The movie follows along three separate stories. A news crew, a married couple, and a group of survivors. Like other mentioned before it though it likes to follow more along that notion that the really terrifying aren’t the living dead but the living. I can’t remember much about this movie to be honest. The only reason why I mention it here is because, in it’s little subgenre, I think it was the best I’ve seen. I do remember a few parts though and I’ll share them with you. In one part we find two people, in their mid-twenties, who not only like to torture the zombies, but they like to kill any other humans they come across. In a way this is understandable. How many psychotic people do you think actually live in this world, how many stop themselves from doing what they really want because of how they will be punished, how many would love the chance at anarchy? In another part one of the survivors (with the camera) runs towards a another group of survivors. The man has been alone for awhile now, the sight of the other survivors brings on kind of like a fever pitch inside of him and he sprints towards them. The kicker? He is also running with a group of zombies, he, being covered in blood and disheveled, is shot along with them. The movie isn’t anything epic. It is nothing to write home about. I wouldn’t even say you should rent it. But, like I said, if you’re into the “reality” like films…try this one out.

In Conclusion

In putting this list together I tried to cross genres. Whether that be the “reality” zombie movie, the comedy, the parody, the drama. In many cases I simply tried to pick the best one that I think represented each of those. So there you have it, the eleven best zombie films…in my opinion at least. Below is a list of movies that I have seen that deal with the undead. Just so you know I’m not a complete fucking retard who just happens to have seen a few movies. Now…this list doesn’t include them all, by any means, sometimes I simply can’t remember the titles. For example: I’ve seen some small independent film that I think was shot by either first year college students, or high school students. The film takes place primarily in two locations, a high school, and a house party. The movie is ballsfuckingretarded and makes absolutely no sense but they tried, and I’ll give them at least a B for effort. Another example: I saw some weird movie that combined both aliens and zombies. In this flick the zombies were actually humans infected by aliens (which would make the dicks rot off of men). The reason the survivors lived is because of…alcohol. Yep, when the nice little asteroids came down and infected the earth if you were drunk you got to live. Makes total sense right? Anyway, I just want you to know that not every film I’ve seen is listed. I have seen a lot.

The List

Night of the Living Dead
Night of the Living Dead (remake)
Dawn of the Dead
Dawn of the Dead (remake)
Day of the Dead
Day of the Dead (remake)
Land of the Dead
28 Days Later
28 Weeks Later
Undead
Zombie: The Beginning
Dead Snow
Diary of the Dead
Quarantine
Zombie Strippers
American Zombie
Fido
The Vanguard
Zombieland
Planet Terror
Deadgirl
Shaun of the Dead
Braindead...Dead Alive
Army of Darkness
Boy Eats Girl
Deathwatch
The Evil Dead
The Evil Dead II
Return of the Living Dead: Rave to the Grave
Resident Evil
Resident Evil: Apocalypse
Resident Evil: Extinction
Resident Evil: Degeneration
Trailer Park of Terror
Versus
The Zombie Diaries
Zombi 2
Zombi 3
Island of the Dead
Return of the Living Dead

Serial Killers: Inside My Collection

“Well I’m a talkin’ bout the midnight rambler

Did you see me jump your garden wall

And If you ever catch the midnight rambler

Steal your mistress from under your nose

Go easy with your cold-fanged anger

I’ll stick my knife right down your throat, baby and it hurts.”

---The Rolling Stones “Midnight Rambler” (based on Albert DeSalvo)

To Begin

I think ever since I was able to pick up a book, or watch a horror film, I have had an obsession with serial killers. I didn’t really have anyone in high school to share this obsession with, it wasn’t until I got into college that I found like minded individuals. I’ve seen films, read books, watched biographies. I’ve written short stories both set in the third and first person perspectives, I‘ve even wrote a few research papers. I’ve shared many a beer over favorite serial killers and why they are our favorites. I guess you would also wonder why someone would have a favorite serial killer. I used to joke, and later I heard Stephen King do the same, that if I didn’t write I would be a serial killer (however, I know I could not actually murder someone in cold blood). My personal favorite would have to be Gary Ridgway (The Green River Killer) although my friend Jenn prefers Ted Bundy and my buddy Tim likes Ed Gein. I find it funny that many people always reference Zodiac when it comes to their favorite killer. He wasn’t that great…he was just arrogant. Anyway, I should stop before I digress from my original point of this blog/essay. My point is to give a look at serial killers in film. I don’t know why I decided to do this, and to limit my scope I decided to focus on movies I personally own. This is for one reason and one reason only, there are a lot of fucking movies about serial killers. I got the idea to write this one while watching Se7en last night, and then I kind of started to run with it.

“The dull blade, good and proper

I'm bleeding heavily and feeling sick

Although I have to fight to stay awake

I keep eating while in convulsions.”

---Rammstein “Mein Teil” (based on Armin Meiwes)

My Films of Serial Killers

Se7en (1995)

Starring: Brad Pitt, Morgan Freeman, Kevin Spacey

What isn’t there to like about Se7en? The movie is fantastic. It, combined with Fight Club, is the reason David Fincher became cemented as one of my favorite directors. The movie follows two detectives as they track down a serial killer who kills using the seven deadly sins as a backdrop. Who can forget the head in a basket? The killer, John Doe, was played by Kevin Spacey so well that you almost wish you could have shot him yourself. Another great thing about the film is that Spacey didn’t even make his true appearance until the third act. Like a good horror film it makes us wait to see the true horror until the very end.

The Silence of the Lambs (1991)

Starring: Jodie Foster, Anthony Hopkins, Ted Levine.

It’s the film that made Anthony Hopkins one of the best villains on screen of all time. Seriously, I know many a list that place him just ahead of Darth Vader, and those are big shoes to fill. It was the sheer creepiness that Hopkins exudes that makes his character so memorable. Anyway, the film follows an FBI rookie as she attempts to track down a serial killer by employing the help of another serial killer. Double the pleasure, double the fun, right? Hopkins played the now infamous Hannibal Lecter while Ted Levine provided the strange Buffalo Bill. “She rubs the lotion on her skin or gets the hose again.”

Resurrection (1999)

Starring: Christopher Lambert, Leland Orser, Robert Joy.

Remember, these are serial killer movies that I own, not necessarily fantastic ones. I mean…how many great movies star Christopher Lambert? Highlander and…well, Highlander. Like Se7en the movie follows two detectives as they attempt to track down a serial killer. This serial killer is taking body parts in order to form a new Christ. The plot, if I remember correctly, rotates around him finding people with the initials J.C. Anyway, I’m trying to figure out why Leland Orser is in almost every goddamn serial killer movie. That motherfucker must just do weird really well. If you remember, he was also in Se7en, as the guy who fucked the prostitute with the incredible knife strap-on. Anyway, the killer in this one is Gerald Demus, played by Robert Joy. He is not necessarily the best serial killer to ever grace the screen but he definitely has his creepy quality.

The Bone Collector (1999)

Starring: Denzel Washington, Angelina Jolie, Leland Orser.

Ahhhh, The Bone Collector. In this one Denzel plays a paralyzed criminal genius who enlists the help of a smart beat cop, Angelina Jolie, to track down a serial killer. There’s not much to really say about this one. It is a decent flick I suppose, it came out before Angelina’s head became three times bigger than her body. Before Denzel was ask kicking cops and criminals. The killer in this one leaves clues, and has a nice taxi. That killer, otherwise known as Richard Thompson, was played by, guess who, Leland Orser.

Virtuosity (1995)

Starring: Denzel Washington, Kelly Lynch, Russell Crowe.

Do you remember Russell Crowe before he was throwing telephones at peoples heads and getting fat? No? Well, in this one he is SID 6.7, a man made conglomeration of serial killers. He is being chased by a cop, turned criminal, turned cop, Denzel Washington, with the help of his bionic arm and Psychologist eye candy Kelly Lynch. The plot isn’t much more difficult then that. It had some cool scenes and we were able to see that Russell Crowe plays crazy really well. I think my favorite part of this film is when he is in the club and creates music using people’s screams.

“Compressed youthful voices

Suffer age

Below John's floors

Spoilage

Lingering death

Gagging your fears

Dead in horror

Grizzly facial stare.”

---Fear Factory “Suffer Age” (based on John Wayne Gacy)

Natural Born Killers (1994)

Starring: Woody Harrelson, Juliette Lewis, Tom Sizemore, RDJ.

Bonnie and Clyde on acid…nuff said. Harrelson and Lewis play Mickey and Mallory Knox, a couple made in hell. They terrorize with sheer brutality and a dry humor. The sad thing about this movie is that it is the deleted scenes that I love the most. There is the scene with Mickey in the court room, interrogating Ashley Judd, where he finally stabs her to death with a pencil. As well as the scene with Dennis Leary, a commercial in which he goes on another one of his fabulous rants. Oh right, the premise. A young couple travel the countryside pretty much killing anyone they want to, eventually they are caught, escape, and start again. They are chased by a Detective, Tom Sizemore, who may or may not be a serial killer himself. What I also loved about this film is their fan club that protests outside of the courthouse. I don’t really know what that says…was it trying to say people who have favorite serial killers have something wrong with them?

Saw I,II,III,VI (2004-present)

Starring: Tobin Bell.

Say what you want but the Saw films have changed the face of horror. This film is one of the first that accurately portrayed brutal, graphic, violence. The premise of pretty much all of the films is thus: A man (Tobin Bell), dying and tired of the wasted lives around him, decides to stage little games for his “victims.” They have a simple choice, “Live or die.” Those that prevail, will come out changed, hopefully in a way that will help them to live their lives to their fullest potential. The serial killer (because of the puzzle pieces he cuts out of said victims), becomes known as Jigsaw. Now, if you’ve followed the progression of the films you would know that Jigsaw is no longer alive. However, apprentices have come forward to continue his work.

The Cell (2000)

Starring: Jennifer Lopez, Vince Vaughn, Vincent D'Onofrio (Carl Stargher).

This film is one of my favorites in the genre for two reasons. One, it was the first one that I’d seen that actually went inside the head of the serial killer. In this case the mind of Carl Stargher (played by Vincent D’Onofrio). What a fucked up head it is. Where else would you see a horse suddenly and violently get split apart in several pieces? Women sitting in a field, mouths open, in silent screams. I think part of its purpose was to show that serial killers are a product of their environment, that getting branded with an iron as a boy by your abusive father would lead you to kill later in life. That kind of passed me over and I was more in awe and the fucked up visions of the filmmakers. Two, Jennifer Lopez’s million dollar ass. That thing is a work of art in this film. I wish I could find more doctors with fat asses who liked to smoke weed...I suppose I should say fat, sexy asses. The plot? Carl Stargher likes to create living dolls, he drowns the women, bleaches them, and jerks off to them while suspended by hooks. Before they can find his last victim he goes into a coma. Cue when they hook him up to some weird machine that allows Jennifer Lopez to crawl inside his mind to help find that lost girl.

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974)

Starring: Gunnar Hansen

There is only one real reason why the only person I mention in this movie is Gunnar Hansen. That’s the motherfucker that played Leatherface. Nothing else matters with this movie. The plot? Some teens get lost, get killed. Leatherface is the motherfucker that not only stole the show, but caused all of the sequels to happen. Right down to The Return of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation starring Renee Zellweger and Matthew McConaughey. I have no doubt that he helped create Halloween, A Nightmare on Elm Street, and Friday the 13th. He does count in the serial killer category as well though. The man was based off of Ed Gein.

Kiss the Girls (1997)

Starring: Morgan Freeman, Ashley Judd, Cary Elwes (Casanova).

Not only does the film feature one serial killer, but two that actually interact with one another. The film stars Morgan Freeman as a man after a serial killer that has taken his niece. The only clue he has comes in the form of Ashley Judd, a woman who escaped the hands of Casanova and helps Freeman to find him. Cary Elwes plays that character and for the most part he is rather lackluster. It isn’t until he actually reveals himself that he truly shines.

“Killing time

She struck the hours dead

In Her control

Thus menopaused

Her clock of hacked out cunts

Began to toll

"Thirteen chimes of ancient strain

I conjure forth with dirge

That fills the void with timbred pain

To fulfill my sexual urge"

---Cradle of Filth “Desire in Violent Overture” (based on Elizabeth Bathory)

Honorable Mention

I say honorable mention because I don’t really know whether to classify some of these motherfuckers as serial killers or not. If they’re not serial killers I’m putting them in here as sheer crazy fucks, mentally disturbed bastards that don’t fall into the category of Kris Kristofferson in The Jacket.

Frailty (2001)

Starring: Bill Paxton, Matthew McConaughey, Powers Boothe.

A family begins hunting “demons” for god. Now, technically, the Meiks Family are fucking serial killers. They find people, kill them, and bury them in the rose garden. However, that notion may go out the window if by the end of the film you consider the fact that they may actually be working for god. In which case they become god’s serial killers.

Eye of the Beholder (1999)

Starring: Ewan McGregor, Ashley Judd.

I think I may be the only person on the planet that loves this movie. In fact, I don’t even know anyone in my real world life that has actually even seen it other then me…and I own it. I don’t know if you technically want to consider Judd’s Joanna Eris as a serial killer but she is. Every man that gets close to her she kills. She is being tracked by Ewan McGregor for no real reason other then he becomes obsessed with her. There’s not much to the story really, it’s more of a distorted love story then anything else.

American Psycho (2000)

Starring: Christian Bale.

Does it count if it is really all in Patrick Bateman’s head? I remember when I saw it in theatres that at the very beginning when he was going through the motions of his morning routine there were several teenage guys and girls in the audience who laughed. Let me tell you, they weren’t laughing by the end of the film…but I was. I think you have to have a sick mind to really get the humor in American Psycho. The plot? Dude goes nuts…like…nuts, nuts. He chases hookers, eats people alive, runs naked with a chainsaw, kills with an axe, a knife, anything that’s handy. He listens to music and quotes random facts about musicians and gets in mental fights because someone’s business card is better than his. My favorite part of the movie? When he tries to stuff a cat into the slot of an ATM machine with a gun to the back of its head.

Apt Pupil (1998)

Starring: Brad Renfro (Todd Bowden), Ian McKellen (Kurt Dussander).

A former Nazi is stalked by a high school kid, evil ensues. Now, I mention this movie more so because of the short story it is based on. I really don’t know why they changed it from what it was (mainly because they like to butcher every Stephen King adaptation would be my guess). The movie itself is very dark, disturbing, and depressing. The book, has both Todd Bowden and Kurt Dussander turn into serial killers, eventually Bowden becomes a mass murderer as well.

8mm (1999)

Starring: Nicolas Cage, Joaquin Phoenix, Chris Bauer.

Cage plays a private detective trying to find out what happened to a missing girl based on a video he sees in which she is killed on screen. Turns out the video is real. The film implies that Chris Bauer who plays Machine, is in fact, a serial killer. Someone who kills women on film for the enjoyment of others. Pretty fucked up huh? The movie is very dark, incredibly disturbing, and shows a side of the pornographic world in which few tread. The scene I remember the most is the final showdown between Cage and Bauer. Aphex Twins “Come to Daddy” is playing in the background…go listen to that song.

Sliver (1993)

Starring: Sharon Stone, William Baldwin, Tom Berenger.

Ok…to be honest I don’t remember much of this film. When I do watch it, it is mainly for the sex scenes between Stone and Baldwin because goddamn if those aren’t some fucking hot ass sex scenes. Especially the one where he pins her against the wall from behind and just takes her. Ohhhh sweet jeebus. Anyway, if I remember correctly Jack Landsford (played by Tom Berenger) is a writer/serial killer. I’m pretty sure he is a serial killer. If not just watch it for the sex scenes.

The Talented Mr. Ripley (1999)

Starring: Matt Damon (Tom Ripley), Gwyneth Paltrow, Jude Law, Cate Blanchett, Philip Seymour Hoffman.

A man, Matt Damon’s Tom Ripley, wants to be someone else so bad that he kills for it. This movie has a stellar cast, a great story, and wonderful acting. Would you consider Tom Ripley a serial killer? I would. Who cares what the motive is, he doesn’t just kill one person, he kills several people. Not to mention those are only the ones we know about, who’s to say he hadn’t killed more before the story of the movie unfolds? To watch the transformation of Damon to Law is quite fascinating as well.

Basic Instinct (1992)

Starring: Michael Douglas, Sharon Stone.

We’ve concluded before that Sharon Stone (Catherine Tramell) is the serial killer right? Oh well, if you haven’t seen the movie you should watch it just for the infamous crotch shot. Which Stone says was unintentional.

Hard Candy (2005)

Starring: Patrick Wilson, Ellen Page.

Ellen Page plays Hayley Stark. I think it was Snath who tried to say that Hayley isn’t a serial killer because she gets them to kill themselves (if that’s the case then neither is Jigsaw). Plus, we never actually see her kill anyone else. This is my thoughts on the matter though. She is so calm, cool, calculated, and good at what she does can you honestly say she is going to stop there? In a way I see her as the female Punisher. Only rather then using guns and bombs she using mental warfare. I can see her becoming something of an avenger. A fallen angel if you will. Plus…you gotta be pretty fucked up to do the balls scene to anyone.

Road to Perdition (2002)

Starring: Tom Hanks, Tyler Hoechlin, Paul Newman, Jude Law.

I know what your first thought is. Why is he including Road to Perdition in a thing about serial killers? Here’s why. Harlen Maguire. Harlen Maguire? That’s the name of Jude Law’s character in the film. Awwww, but he was just a hitman you say? Just a hitman? Really? I don’t know too many hitmen that carried around cameras with them to take a picture of their victims as a trophy. I also don’t know of any other hitman that was trying to take a picture of a dead guy, only to find out said dead guy was alive, kill him, then take the picture. He is a fucking serial killer. He’s just a serial killer that gets paid to do what he wants to do.

“Tied her up

And taped her mouth shut

Couldn't scream

Raped violently

Rope tight, around her throat

Her body twitches

As she chokes

Strangulation caused her death

Just like all the others

Raped before and after death

Stripped, naked, tortured”

---Cannibal Corpse “Stripped, Raped, and Strangled” (based on Ted Bundy)

Honorable, Honorable Mention

Falling Down (1993)

Starring: Michael Douglas, Robert Duvall.

Yes, I know that Michael Douglas is not a serial killer in Falling Down. Yes, I know that therefore he shouldn’t belong on this list. Yes, I realize I may be stupid. However, I feel that no blog could be complete about crazy people without at least mentioning Falling Down. I remember that the first time I saw the movie I literally went, “Holy shit.” To see the character fall as far as he does. To see how he snaps, how he empowers himself, and how he eventually just goes full on fucking mental, is an awesome thing to behold. Michael Douglas plays William Foster with so much realism that you can actually imagine a guy simply getting out of his car in the middle of rush hour and starting a rampage. That’s why he is mentioned here. If you haven’t seen this movie I would suggest you do so as soon as possible.

"Oh, find me ... find me, nothing more

We are on a sullen misty moor

We may be dead and we may be gone

But we will be, we will be, we will be, right by your side

Until the day you die

This is no easy ride

We will haunt you when you laugh

Yes, you could say we're a team

You might sleep

You might sleep

You might sleep

But you will never dream!”

--- The Smiths “Suffer Little Children” (based on Ian Brady & Myra Hindley)

Recommended Viewing

Summer of Sam (1999)

Starring: John Leguizamo, Adrien Brody, Mira Sorvino, Michael Badalucco.

Just a cool little flick that takes place and revolves around the Summer of Sam killings.

Behind the Mask: The Rise of Leslie Vernon (2006)

Starring: Nathan Baesel (Leslie Vernon), Robert Englund, Angela Goethals.

A fake documentary about a wannabe slasher. I.E. Nathan Baesel’s character wants to become the next great Jason Vorhees or Michael Myers, because, in this film, those were real people. While not necessarily about a “serial killer,” it’s a great little film to watch.

Dahmer (2002)

Starring: Jeremy Renner.

Holy fucking creepy. No really, if you haven’t seen it…see it.

“Dexter“ (2006-present)

Starring: Michael C. Hall, Julie Benz, Jennifer Carpenter, John Lithgow, Christian Camargo.

I think my favorite part of this show is that Dexter not only kills other serial killers, but that he has met and interacted with a few of them. I wrote a short story once that involved a serial killer working with another serial killer. While he doesn’t work with them he does try to learn how to live like them, being they are more adapted to normal society. That’s another great thing about Dexter, it’s interesting to hear the story from the perspective of the emotionless killer.

“Graze the skin with my finger tips

The brush of dead warm flesh pacifies the means

Incised members ornaments on my being

Adulating the skin before me.“

---Slayer “Dead Skin Mask” (based on Ed Gein)

To Conclude

So there you have it folks. A look into my collection of serial killer flicks. Be thankful I didn’t just do one on horror films. I think I only own two comedies. As I was doing this one I was thinking of doing a guide for Zombie films. If you actually read this let me know if you would be interested. If not…fuck you I may do one anyways. As I said at the beginning, there are many films about serial killers. I remember watching Don’t Look Now with Donald Sutherland (many people will tell you that film is good…don’t believe them) and wondering how many serial killer flicks there actually are. You got others like From Hell, Suspect Zero, and Switchback. However, like I said, these just came from my own collection. I leave you with that, and another excerpt from a song.

“Try to find the reasons that Jacky's out again

Slipping and sliding don't even try to hide

Just like your shadow, breathing at your side

Don't give into panic, Don't you run an' scream

Aaah, the ripper, haunting all your dreams.”

---Motorhead “Jack the Ripper”

Movie Review: Outlander

Outlander which came out in 2008 is a movie that is everything that you have seen before, and yet there is something about it that you also can’t put your finger on. The movie, directed by Howard McCain (most notably one of the writers for Underworld: Rise of the Lycans) stars James Caviezel (Angel Eyes, The Passion of the Christ), Sophia Myles (Underworld, Tristan + Isolde), Jack Huston (Factory Girl, The Twilight Saga: Eclipse), John Hurt (Rob Roy, V for Vendetta, and Ron Perlman (Hellboy, every sci-fi film known to man)…with a small little bit part by James Preston Rogers (the guy that had the online campaign nominating him to play Thor).

The film is rather simple to explain. It’s a SyFy channel movie done with a budget of $50 million. At least, that’s the way I felt watching it. A space-man, Kainan (played by Caviezel) crash lands on Earth in Norway in 709 AD in the middle of the Vikings. On board his ship is an alien species named the Moorwen that are basically the ultimate killing machines. It gets loose when the ship crashes and he goes after it. He runs into a local group of Vikings led by King Rothgar (Hurt), with a women’s lib daughter, Freya (Myles), and an ambitious future king, Wulfric (Huston). They think he sacked a local village run by Gunnar (Perlman) and initially distrust him but later learn to work with him in a joint effort to stop that dastardly Moorwen.

The film feels like it tries too hard. Like it wants to be The 13th Warrior mixed with Predator but ends up being the 1999 Beowulf with Christopher Lambert and Rhona Mitra. The comparisons can continue from there. It is obvious the film wants to be Beowulf. Hero (and I’m under the impression Caviezel can’t do anything but look depressed and brooding) with a big ass sword wants to kill a giant beast (hell, at one point there is even the “mother” and the child Moorween…one of em even ends up losing an arm). Even the names Rothgar and Unferth come from Beowulf. Like the writer/director McCain felt he could make the beast more realistic if he made it an animal from another planet. There’s even an underwater swim to the caves of the beast. The Predator aspect should be obvious as well but I would compare it more to Alien. Why Alien? Because of the beast. It is literally more badass then an Alien. The thing has so many keys to survival. Decoys, color changing, pretty lights to entice things, a tail that is as deadly as the rest of its body. If it had acid blood I would say the alien wouldn’t stand a chance, fuck, even the Predator wouldn’t stand a chance against it. However, despite it’s prettiness and abilities the Moorween, the shots of it, the chase scenes, its movement, really reminded me of the Kothoga creature from The Relic, or one of those beasts from Star Wars: Attack of the Clones. Many people die, only a few survive, but as you can expect they triumph.

The problem with the film is that it does feel like a SyFy channel movie. For the most part, even from the well known like Caviezel and Hurt, the acting is very wooden. Sophia Myles is pretty to look at but if you’ve seen Underworld then you know what her acting is like. Huston is a pretty boy who…well…he’s a pretty boy. They throw a character in there for comedic effect, Boromir (played by Cliff Saunders who is known more for his TV roles), yeah, not only is McCain not that original, he even stole a name from Lord of the Rings. Yet most of the characters are comedic. I mean, for fucksakes they play a game that involves running around on shields that people are holding over their heads. Really? If someone would like to tell me how that makes sense or even belongs in the movie I will be all ears to understand. It almost feels like McCain couldn’t keep the intensity up for an actual Predator/Alien like movie. My guess would be that he showed the Moorween far too early. He should have held back. Kept the alien in the dark for a little while (scaring the audience with the unknown) before making him some gloriously terrifying creature. You know, like how every typical horror movie does it…he must have taken a page out of the Pitch Black manual (which isn’t to say that I don’t lurve that movie). At one point Kainan even uses his blade to look at the monster sneaking up behind him…think Clash of the Titans with the Medusa. The voiceover doesn’t help either. It is unnecessary and dull…especially done by Myles. If anything they should have done a voiceover like that of Conan: The Barbarian or Mad Max: The Road Warrior. Some old guy voice that sounds cool. Let us also not forget how a soldier from a futuristic society know how to wield a sword and use a bow. In other words…McCain isn’t a very original writer. He just chocked up a bunch of regurgitated ideas.

I actually found myself rooting for the Moorween. The movie explains that the race that Kainan belongs to actually conquers planets. If there are no intelligent life they will get rid of everything on it and terraform it for themselves. Well, that’s what they did, destroyed all of the Moorween. Except…for one. That’s the one who also killed Kainans family, caused the ship to crash, and is reeking havoc on the Vikings. Well fuck you humanoid…you wiped out his entire fucking species. I wish he had won. Well…I guess that would be I wish SHE had won.

So what am I saying? Do you like sci-fi? Do you like cheesy horror? Do you like fantasy? Do you like Vikings? Do you like watching people get decapitated with swords? Do you like all of this without the combined qualities of wenches? Do you like the cheesy SyFy channel movies (just not as bad as that fucking Hammer of the Gods movie with Zachery Ty Bryan)? You’ll like it. I will say, however, that if you like sci-fi you don’t see much. The ship that crashes, some fancy shit, a weapon get shot one time, and a flashback of them conquering the Moorween planet. That being said I wish he kept the armor on that he was wearing in the beginning of the movie.

A little bit of trivia for you via IMDB: “This is the first film in history to feature Old Norse, the ancestor of Modern Icelandic and several other Scandinavian languages. Howard McCain used an Icelandic professor to help translate the dialogue and to teach the actors how to speak the ancient language.”

#15 The Walking Dead: Book Four

NNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!! Fuck. See, I knew this was going to happen. I knew once I read it I was going to get sucked in and then pissed off when I couldn’t read the next book. Also, this motherfucker, Book 4, is crazy. Crazy as in the sense that if I were a less normal person I would have ran around my bedroom jumping up and down, pulling my hair out, and doing the Darth Vader (via Revenge of the Sith) “No!” I kept my sanity enough to shout “What the fuck?” Calmly close the book, and walk away from it slowly.

Should you have decided to pick up the series I can’t really say much that wouldn’t ruin the entire book for you. I mean, I’ve given you some pretty good descriptions in the other ones of what happens but it would seriously be a travesty if I did that to you in this one. So prepare for this review to be a short one. Obviously, as you may have already suspected, The Governor goes after them. He attacks their little group, pretty much gets his ass kicked, then comes back for more. Back for more with a tank, a bunch of guys who can’t shoot for shit, an over inflated ego, and the ability to lie like no ones business combined with the demented mind of about six serial killers all wrapped into one.

Once again Michonne does her ninja shit. Rick does his I’m the leader but not really because everyone is starting to think I’m crazy shit. Carol does her I need someone shit. Did I mention I don’t like the “Soap Opera” aspects of the series? I suppose it is a necessary evil though. Anyway, there were cool parts, I guess I can say the baby being born was one. A wedding is another. New people hook up, old people drift apart. The usual, normal routine of…life. Maybe that makes sense now. Just writing that I’m beginning to understand why this story for Book 4 came about.

I suppose this book was to show you that it is possible for people to return to a state of normalcy in the course of a zombie apocalypse. To further imply this notion upon us, at one point in the book, the character Dale says he had gotten so used to everything being normal that he almost forgot the world was still a horror show. So sad to think that it is people that fuck everything up. I don’t think a single person dies via zombies in this one. So much death at the hands of other people. That’s the image in this one, we are the monsters.

Seriously. So many people die in this book. There are betrayals, cowards, and heroes. As such I now have a new favorite character. Andrea. Her picture is the one you’re looking at. She’s been cut with a knife by a crazed killer and shot. She is one tough lady…sexy too.

I also lost one of my favorites. But I won’t tell you how, because even I was sickened and shocked.

I really hope you get into this series. Then, like me, you can wait for the next book.

#14 The Walking Dead: Book Three

If Two was boring the writers must have figured that out and gone balls to the wall with three. Three was, in fact, so good that I almost wanted to skip writing this just so I could read Four. Which, in turn, would have disappointed me knowing that I don’t have Five to read and would also upset me that I would even have to wait to begin with. Kind of like when I got into Harry Potter. I read all of the books in a row up to three and then found myself waiting and pacing the floor until the others came out and I could read the new book in a day. Of course, Rowling also took her fucking sweet ass time. But it’s allowed, because she’s pretty and has an English accent. The wait with The Walking Dead is the comics have to come out before the hardcover can make its appearance. Balls. Anyway, I can’t even think of where to begin this review. It has a bunch of things that I fucking love…not so much that I hate…and makes me think of so many other possibilities of where this story can go.


They finally get the prison cleaned out and are preparing to spread out. Essentially so everyone can have their own “house.” While doing so, as I stated with the electricity thing, they come across a generator. What does a generator need? Gas. So they decide to try and siphon some from the cars outside of the prison. While doing so they see a helicopter go down. A helicopter! Holy shit! Let’s go for it. So Rick, Glenn, and Michonne take off after it. Meanwhile, back at the Prison…Carol (who is nuts after Tyreese left her for Michonne) tries to set up some weird lesbian/”Big Love” type setting asking Lori if her and Rick will marry her. Odd…to say the least, but it is obvious that she is the type of person that can‘t survive along (pretty much she needs an Alpha Male). Cue back to the group going after the helicopter because I really don’t care for the soap opera shit going on at the prison. Really. The only aspects of the “soap opera” that I can understand is the pairing off. Imagine if you are in a group of 15 people. Seven of the women and seven of the men have paired themselves off as couples. That leaves you…all alone. I can imagine how that would drive a person nuts. The last thing you would want is to be alone…in a world of fucking zombies. True, you are not alone in the most empirical sense, but as far as emotionally? You might as well go ahead and pack up the loony bus. Of course, this is just my personal opinion. I’m sure there are people out there who wouldn’t really give a fuck if during a zombie apocalypse they didn’t have someone to sleep with at night, someone to have sex with to feel alive, someone to look at them and make them feel needed. If you are one of these people. Go you. I don’t think I could take it. There are some aspects of this soap opera that I really hate though, especially anything to do with Lori because I really wish she’d died a long time ago. I can’t stand her. At all. She fucking complains about everything. Everything! Many times in The Walking Dead they try to pass this off as hormones from her being pregnant. I fucking say bullshit. She cheated on her husband (and likely got pregnant from said encounter) less then a month after the zombie shit started. She complains every time the group makes a new decision, every time her husband goes out for the good of the group, and every time someone says something against her opinion. I don’t just mean complain, complain is likely not a strong enough word. She bitches, like yells and throws a temper tantrum bitches. Fuck her. So the group gets to the helicopter to find it deserted and follow the tracks until they are captured. Captured by…The Governor.

This is the part of zombie tales that I fucking love. The bad guy. Not just the bad guy…“THE” bad guy. The group is taken to, essentially, a small town. The Governor runs said town. Where he has fights for the crowds (think gladiators), rapes women, mutilates and tortures, keeps his daughter as a zombie pet (whom he feeds body parts from those he mutilates and tortures), and goes to sleep staring at a collection of heads from those he’s killed. The dude is Grade A Nuts. He makes the leader of the soldiers in 28 Days Later look like a pussy. He makes fucking Humungus from The Road Warrior look like a baby. Well…maybe not so much in physical stature (Humungus was fucking huge), but in sheer brutality…I would say The Governor has him beat. When I was talking to ashes about the series she made sure to point out The Governor. She basically conveyed that she didn’t like him and that he was an asshole. I think that was being nice. I don’t want to give away too much but I will say the majority of his brutality goes against Michonne. Because Michonne is female you can only imagine what I’m talking about here. I will say though that she gets some revenge, I won’t give away much but at one point it involves hammering his dick with a nail into a board. No lie…I seriously didn’t give much away there.

Where Book Two started doing the Man vs. Man thing that I was talking about. This, is the Man vs. Man part of apocalypse stories that I love. I like when they show the exact opposite. When you’ve been following this group that is trying to remain civil, human, and they come across that group that is anything but. In some stories this is the group that has resorted to cannibalism. In others it’s the one that rides around on motorcycles (I’m looking at you Dawn of the Dead…the original that is). The group that rapes and pillages (check pretty much every gang in The Road and as stated previously The Road Warrior). The group that only wants power and domination (pretty much everyone listed…throw The Book of Eli in there). It’s the group that doesn’t negotiate, that takes what they want, and that kills everyone in their way. They don’t care about humanity, they don’t care if anyone else survives, they are out for themselves and that’s it.

I always wonder which one of these groups I would belong to. Would I put my neck out for total strangers? Or would I simply go out for myself? I suppose this is a question everyone would have to ask themselves.

The pictures, as they appear, are of Tyreese, Michonne, and The Governor.