#10 Pirate Latitudes

At 312 pages it took me about 4 hours to read Michael Crichtons Pirate Latitudes. Does that mean it was good? Not so much. Does that mean it was a fast pace? No, not really. So why did I personally finish it so fast? It’s about fucking pirates! Pirates! Who the hell doesn’t like pirates? Virgin Nuns, Rich People, the guy who has the bigger ship, Virgins in general, the Spanish, Gay Priests…ok, maybe not the Gay Priests. Anyway, pirates are fucking bad ass. The plot of this book? A group of mostly English pirates go on an expedition to take down an unbeatable island fortress to get a shit ton of money. That’s pretty much it. Well, the main plot anyway. It is the pirates themselves, plus everything that happens to them along the way that makes the story great…except for that one part.

In a scene reminiscent of The 13th Warrior…or The Dirty Dozen the main pirate, Captain Charles Hunter, goes around finding the badass pirates to go along with him on a suicide mission. Naturally, because it is a suicide mission and there is a promise of a lot of gold, the pirates happily agree. Allow me to introduce to you those pirates. Including why one or two are my favorite. First of all there is Captain Hunter. We will put him in the place of the handsome leader, who is also ruthless, who all the women want to pull their skirts up for, and who I believe is also the only one born of the New World. If I were to compare him to someone I would go with Han Solo (the Han Solo that we all know shot first), combined with Casanova (an actor like Thomas Jane all done up like a pirate). Don Diego is the resident boom boom guy, complete with missing fingers and a crazy eye (I pictured Steve Buscemi, only Jewish). Mr. Enders is the doctor dude combined with the navigator. Kill two birds with one stone as they say. His personality through the course of the book actually kind of reminds me of Bones from Star Trek. Next you have one of my favorites, Lazue, the womanizing, debonair, cutthroat, spotter…woman. Yep, this French damsel likes to distract her victims by walking around topless and slitting their throats. Who doesn’t love a woman like that? Seriously? If she was Date #3 on some game show I would totally pick her, even though she walks around looking like a man (Milla Jovovich from The Messenger). Who’s next? The Moor, Bassa. He is the required quiet type (what with having no tongue) that is also the muscle of the operation. I’m surprised he didn’t climb a cliff with people on his back like Andre the Giant did in The Princess Bride. Anyway, in a way he is also the mercenary for Hunter. Hunter says “kill” and Bassa listens (Michael Clarke Duncan). Sanson is the brutal killer, the bloodthirsty, the Frenchman with no moral compass. The one who takes on an entire ship by himself and is only worried about money, nothing else. He also has a high pitched voice and at one point may have been a priest. I however, never quite caught on to the high pitched voice thing. Crichton says he has one and just as quickly I hear him more with a gruff manly voice. How can a brutal killer have a high voice? That would be like comparing Sanson to Mike Tyson (I would say Samuel Le Bihan). Unfortunately Sanson amd Lazue were my favorite. Go figure right? I would prefer the French over the English.

Of course you have the rest of the cast of characters thrown in. The corrupt official. The Governor of Port Royal (I totally pictured Michael Gambon), his niece that wants Hunter. The new Assistant Governor, who wants to take down the pirates but whose wife only wants…Hunter. You also have the corrupt military leader, the Spanish dude who only wants English blood, the Spanish dudes French buddy who only wants English blood, whores, dude that still lives after having a slit throat called Whisperer (think of the guy from Hoodlum), merchants who just want more money, the list goes on and on. In fact, in a lot of ways, it reminded me of Pirates of the Carribean. Only without the comedic effect. I’m trying to remember if anyone was actually particularly funny. Nope…they would all kick someone in the gut and put a bullet in their head without remorse. Ohhhh, and when he goes after the people that fuck him over. Think Braveheart…it is fantastic. There is only one swordfight though…one…the rest of it is bullets to the brain and slit throats.

The story itself was done fairly well. Typical to Crichton he throws in some medical shit you normally wouldn’t have known about. For example I really didn’t need to know that a hair restorer was made with crushed up earthworms. He goes with some liberties, like when the boom boom guy creates a crazy grenade. His battles at sea are done fairly well…although the build up to it made the final battle kind of anti-climactic. Master and Commander: The Far Side of the World it is not. In fact, for the most part, it is the pirates trying to outrun their attackers and hide in shallow water. The attack on the island was weird…the whole time I was reading that part I kept going, “I’ve seen this before” and I don’t know why. I looked it up
online to see if the island was real, if it was really breeched that way. Kind of like if the history channel had done something about it. Couldn’t find anything in about five minutes so I gave up. Then again it could have actually been something out of the Pirates of the Caribbean movies. I wouldn’t know, I watched them all once and pretty much didn’t pay attention. The only thing during the story line that I couldn’t really get into was the kraken. I mean really? You have all this shit that could possibly make sense, things that could be rather historically accurate, and out of nowhere you toss in a fucking sea monster? Really? Not only that but one that glows green at night? I’m pretty sure they didn’t have radioactive squid back in 1665. I would bitch at him…but he’s dead. Crichton that is.

Anyway, you want a quick read? Want some cheap entertainment? Wanna see some pirates brutally kill some fuckers (like letting rats feast on a dude’s face)? Go ahead and pick the book up. My advice? I would say it is a road trip or airplane book. Something you can pick up, read, and toss in the pile to forget. I doubt it will stick with you, but it will keep you engaged. Oh right, the reason why I included actors to play the characters up there? You know it is going to get turned into a movie at some point. It’s a fucking Michael Crichton book. I’m fairly certain 90% of his books are films.

#9 Within The Shadows

Within the Shadows by Brandon Massey is…wow…how do I even start? I guess you can let me start with some of the praise found on the back of the book.

“Spellbinding. Keeps you turning the pages to see what will happen next.” -Zane…bestselling author of Addicted.

“Massey creates effective suspense, some harrowing scenes, and characters you actually care about.” -Fangoria

How would I classify those comments? As complete and utter bullshit? “Spellbinding?” Really? Towards the end of the book (at 444 pages) he manages to slow the pace down so much that it is fucking ridiculous, he practically shoots himself in
the foot. “Characters you actually care about?” I wished they had all fucking died…only to find one of them does. I picked the book up because it boasted Local Author on the cover, I wish I hadn’t. I suppose I’m getting ahead of myself. Let me tell you what the story is about, then I will get into why I hate it.

Andrew is a writer on the brink of becoming famous. One day, while traveling with his estranged father he comes across an old mansion after they get in a car wreck. Cue the weird shit. Andrew has a friend, Carmen, it is obvious they both love each other and want to hump like rabbits but don’t. Andrew’s best friend is Eric. After the accident weird nightmares start happening to his dad, Raymond, connected to the mansion that he knows from his past. Andrew goes out on a date with Mika who ends up becoming a stalker superwoman. Throw in some crazy cats, superpowers, psychic abilities, maybe some immortality, talking with ghosts, some shit that is meant to be scary but isn’t and you have the book. Now, why did I hate it?

Right off the bat I noticed that the dialogue was entirely wrong. They are educated, and speak educated, and yet the dialogue comes out forced and unnatural. Then there is the one instance in the book where for some reason the dialogue changes entirely.

"Why are you tripping? You haven't even met her. She's cool, seriously."

"I'm only looking out for you, bro. There are some serious gold diggers out there. I deal with it on the regular, and I'm married."

This after dialogue that sounds like this.

“You two going to finally get together?”

“We’re just friends, same as always. It’s not going anywhere else.”

“But you want it to.”

“Not at the risk of ruining our friendship.”

By the way, both of those came from a conversation between Andrew and Eric. From there I immediately noticed the sentences. Now when I write I write very simple. I write to where anyone can understand it. However, and to my knowledge, I try not to be cliché or formulaic. Massey is anything but. For the most part he uses Dick and Jane sentences with childish descriptions. "He was acutely aware of the closeness of her; the sweet sexiness of her perfume; the gentleness of her touch; the lushness of her cleavage, accentuated by the gold cross she wore on her necklace." You would think, at times, that Massey is writing a cheap romance novel (and why do sluts always wear crosses? I need to look out for that). It would actually work as a cheap romance novel. What with getting descriptions of the main characters constant erection, getting head under restaurant tables, and being stroked. However, you also get shit like this. "Carmen's perfume clung to his shirt, stirred a pleasurable heat in his loins. He definitely was going to need that cold shower before hitting the sack." Now…it may just be me but why, if a guy lives by himself, would he need to take a cold shower before bed instead of just jerking off. I mean later in the story he goes on to describe what he thinks is a wet dream in wonderful detail. Does the character like wet dreams? I’ve never had a wet dream in my life. However, I suppose that could be the case, what with taking a cold shower before bed to ease his tension. I have one more main complaint with the novel. This.

"He dragged his hand down his face." pg 145

"He dragged his hand down his face." pg 199

"He dragged his hand down his sweaty face." pg 248

"Andrew dragged his hand down his face." pg 267

And those are only the ones I remembered to mark down as I was going through. Later he tries to compare this to a trait that Andrew shares with his father but really…it just got fucking annoying. Ok, how many times can the fucker run his hand down his face before he starts peeling his own flesh off? Is he a crackhead? Does he have some nervous tick? Ohhh, that’s it? Well in that case let me cut your fucking hand off. Or instead…quit fucking telling us every time he does it. So what other shitastic elements of the novel are there?

The first real encounter he has with the ghost goes something like this. "The plate turned over...slices of bread and turkey and cheese stacked themselves...the chips slid onto the side of the plate...the glass floated upright, half-full with ice cubes." WOW. That was…impressive. *golf clap* No really, way to actually introduce the ghost. Oh and the way you have them communicate through the computer, that wasn’t totally reminiscent of Ghost at all. Then, not only does he tell us that the main character is now communicating with a ghost, but he spells it out for us. "The television was on. The movie playing struck him as comically ironic: The Sixth Sense." Really. I didn’t think that was a funny addition, I sure as hell didn’t think it was necessary. Why even put that in there? Could Massey not think of something better? He even references Ghostbusters. Let’s not forget that when he realizes the house is the center of it all, and shit, that we have this fantastic revelation. "It was constructed on land sacred to the Creek Indians, who used to occupy the area. The mansion actually was built on one of their old ceremonial centers, the pascova..." I’m going to do something I rarely do in my reviews, if ever. *HeadDesk* Really? You’re just going to flat out rip off Poltergeist? Or maybe another ohhhh 70 fucking things that deal with houses on Indian burial grounds thing? The originality here astounds me.

Now, ladies and gentlemen, let me give you moments in stupidity. Through the main course of the book the characters are plagued by three cats…like kung fu attack kitties. "The feline stared at her. It didn't move. "He's a Russian Blue," she said.” Wow…did he do research? You made the attack cats Russian Blues? They are probably some of the friendliest cats on the fucking planet. No really. Go look up the personality of a Russian Blue. My roomie had one, that cat was the friendliest fucking thing. If strangers came over my cat would hide, Queenie would climb up into your lap and assault your face with purring. After having his house burned down by Mika, Andrew runs off with Carmen to hide. So…what do they do? "They had dinner on the deck. Hamburgers, chicken breasts, potato salad, and baked beans. They sipped icey glasses of sweet tea..." Mind you, they know Mika is some superhuman bitch, they’ve both been attacked by her and her crazy fucking cats, they just ran away after his fucking house burned down, and they settle down for a dinner like that? Really? That just makes no sense to me what-so-ever. I’m just going to chill casually right chere and eat me some good country food. Then, when Mika is on her way…"She reflected on chapters of her life; different times. divided like scenes in a novel. She thought about the beginning." This crazy fucking woman (who has shown no remorse, guilt, or responsibility for her actions) is going to give us a detailed account of what has happened to her just so we can get the back-story. Because throughout the whole novel she has totally shown emotion that would make us want to be sympathetic. Remember in Candyman when you finally find out what happens to him? Yeah, it’s nothing like that. The whole time you realize it is just an excuse for the writer to give us the back-story because he couldn’t figure out any other way. Let’s see, what else. During the fight between Mika and Carmen, which you knew was bound to happen, Mika is wearing a black catsuit. Yep, for no fucking reason. Hasn’t worn anything like that the rest of the fucking book, in fact, she has appeared dressed pretty normal for the most part unless she was attempting to look sexier then she apparently already is. A catsuit? I got the impression that Mr. Massey really just wants to see this as a movie, with someone like Beyonce in a catsuit. By the way, during that fight, Massey uses the word “bitch” nine times in two pages. YES! I almost forgot about this one. Right in the middle of the fight between Carmen and Mika, while his father is being chased by Walter (a very large super powered butler) this happens, "He noticed that the trunk of the Rolls Royce's had popped open. Something was inside...Dazed, temporarily forgetting everything else, he walked off the deck to look closer." That’s right, your dad is being attacked, your girlfriend/friend/lover is being attacked, and you go off to investigate something. Again, *HeadDesk* What are some other things that bothered me?

Massey shouldn’t have switched to Eric’s perspective in Chapter 42. It was the first time he’d ever switched to Eric (the rest of the book bounced between Andrew and Raymond) and the only thing he accomplished was slowing down the pace. He also slows down the pace during the climax by switching back and forth between Andrew and Raymond. Raymond having the action and Andrew the “story” of understanding. What he accomplished was getting you built up about what was going on and then slapping you in the face and telling you to wait. It got old really quick. What else? Text speak. “CAN'T RUN FROM R LOVE I WON'T LET U.” That from a woman who is supposed to be old…like really old…and yet she talks like a stuck up, rich, modern girl. Another thing that bothered me is they always drank tea, sometimes fancy tea like peppermint and shit. Don’t ask me why that bothered me, I don’t know, it bothered me like Massey telling us Carmen was a vegetarian about three hundred times. There wasn’t a single unattractive person, all the women were amazing. Along those lines there were no “poor” people. Everyone talked about their multiple rooms, their large houses, their high paying jobs, and their 60” TVs. AND, you get shit like this, "Dad calmly thrust his arm forward and clamped his hand over her throat...Dad lifted her in the air, her legs kicking...Dad didn't lose his chokehold on her throat." Wow, way to go dad, I completely forget you had another name…I think it was Raymond. Don’t even get me started on the ending that is really, really, too happy/cheesy for words.

Dean Koontz is 65, Clive Barker is 58, Anne Rice is 69, Peter Straub is 67, Norman Partridge is 52, and Stephen King is 65. If Brandon Massey, at 37, is supposed to be the future of horror, someone please shoot me right now. I tried, I really did. I’ve read several local authors, in fact when I see a book by a local author I tend to pick it up. Doing that I have read several fantastic books, Within The Shadows is not one of those. On his website he says that people have said he is the “Black Stephen King,” whoever said that I personally want to slap in the face. He has his elements like Stephen King, switching between main characters to show different perspectives as the story progresses. However, his descriptions are no where near as detailed, his dialogue is weak sauce, and the overall plot of his story is unoriginal and forced. Will I read anymore of his books, not likely. Do I think he will ever become popular? God I hope not.

#8 A Thousand Splendid Suns

Khaled Hosseini is trying to do something in A Thousand Splendid Suns, through its 415 pages, and I can’t quite tell what it is. It seems like part of it is a history lesson (think Forrest Gump or another book I’ve read by Anthony Grooms called Bombingham), giving us dates, times, and people that manage to remain significant. Another part is trying to tell us the story of two women, one raised poor, another raised with a high value on intellect, both of whom marry the same man. Yet there is also the story of feminine oppression in Afghanistan, particularly by the Taliban and said husband of the “old school” of thinking. Then again he has yet another, the story of war…and how you survive it. I think it was this fact that made A Thousand Splendid Suns kind of boring for me to read. Every time the book got to a point where I was reading at a fast pace it would suddenly change topics, or lose the voice it had completely.

I say history lesson because the book begins in 1964 and continues all the way to April of 2003. It discusses the aspects of politics, regime changes, and the overall history of Afghanistan at the time, particularly in the city of Kabul. However it does, at some points, get a little specific. I don’t know the necessity of mentioning every military leader. Passing quotes like this one, "...the brooding, charismatic Tajik commander Ahmad Shah Massoud, the Lion of Panjshir. Mammy had nailed up a poster of him in her room,” were alright because it doesn’t go into detail, it is a passing glance. A half page with just a list of names…is a little much. Sometimes the history aspect really caught my attention, like the giant Buddha’s that were destroyed by the Taliban. In particular I was looking forward to getting the perspective of 9/11, instead, I was treated with this, "The TV is tuned to BBC. On the screen is a building, a tower, black smoke billowing from its top floors. Tariq says something to Sayeed and Sayeed is in midreply when a plane appears from the corner of the screen. It crashes into the adjacent tower, exploding into a fireball that dwarfs any ball of fire that Laila has ever seen. A collective yelp rises from everyone in the lobby." That was it. He talked a little more about how they felt the coming of Bush would be, but nothing that significant. It was almost like 9/11 happened, then was over. I was more interested in hearing an actual perspective. Did they find it grotesque? Did they not give a fuck? Were there actual celebrations in the streets in some places? Things like that. When given a history lesson…I’d like to know the reactions, not just the facts. For example, “Mariam awoke on the morning of September 27 [way before 9/11] to the sound of shouting and whistling, firecrackers and music. She ran to the living room, found Laila already at the window, Aziza mounted on her shoulders. Laila turned and smiled. 'The Taliban are here,' she said." That caught me off guard. I never expected them to look forward to the Taliban. To be excited by their arrival. Indeed that excitement died very, very quickly…but I’ll get to that later.

The story of the two women is simple. You have Mariam, born a bastard to a rich merchant and his servant. She was raised knowing her father but not being included into his world as she was a disgrace. Her mother was spiteful and mean and treated her almost as a burden. Her education consisted primarily of learning the Koran. After her mothers death she lives in her fathers house for only a little bit of time before she is run out by his wives. "Now he is a little older than you," Afsoon chimed in. "But he can't be more than...forty. Forty-five at the most...What are you, fifteen? That's a good solid marrying age for a girl." The man is Rasheed and he moves her to Kabul, from there life only gets worse for her. "In this most essential way, she had failed him-seven times she had failed him-and now she was nothing but a burden to him." That was seven miscarriages. After awhile her husband marries again, this time to Laila. Now Laila grows up entirely different from Mariam yet only down the street from where Mariam lives with her husband. Her father is a teacher and therefore she is raised to be educated. She is a rarity as well, blonde hair and green eyes. When war hits her life gets turned upside down, first her friends begin to die, then the love of her life, Tariq, leaves with his family, until finally her parents are killed and she is forced, out of necessity, to marry Rasheed. “What of it? What? She’s too young, you think? She’s fourteen. Hardly a child. You were fifteen remember? My mother was fourteen when she had me. Thirteen when she married.” She will have two children, Aziza and Zalmai (whom she gives birth to by cesarean, with no pain killers), before she too begins being beaten by the pedophile and oppressive Rasheed (I say pedophile by the fact that he is around 60 when he marries the 14 year old Laila, and…well…wait till you read the sex scenes). The story really picks up here, once the beatings of Laila begin. My problem with the female aspect of the story is how they are written, I know Jack Nicholson in As Good As It Gets says “I think of a man, and I take away reason and accountability.” However, I think it is a never ending question. How can a man write women well? I think Hosseini tries, but fails for the most part. There is just something…off. At times where I expect Mariam or Laila to have more of an emotional internal or external reaction they don’t. When I expect the raised weaker Laila to crumble she fights, when I want to see the tough Mariam fight she crumbles. I don’t know…they almost appear like men, with the occasional heartfelt expression. Even some circumstances where I wouldn’t expect a mother to lie down and take it, they do, yet when they should, they don’t. Does that make any sense? Am I making any sense? Let’s just say I can’t find the women to be genuine. By far the most interesting part of the story to me though was the description and detail of the oppression of the women.

"If you go outside, you must be accompanied by a mahram, a male relative. If you are caught alone on the street, you will be beaten and sent home. You will not, under any circumstances, show your face. You will cover with burqa when outside. If you do not, you will be severely beaten. Cosmetics are forbidden. Jewelry is forbidden. You will not wear charming clothes. You will not speak unless spoken to. You will not make eye contact with men. You will not laugh in public. If you do you will be beaten. You will not paint your nails. If you do, you will lose a finger. Girls are forbidden from attending school. All schools for girls will be closed immediately. Women are forbidden from working. If you are found guilty of adultery, you will be stoned to death."

Those are the rules of the Taliban for women. Now…the story begins with an oppression of women. First you have the servant mother of Mariam who is hidden away so as to not bring shame. Rasheed has Mariam wear a burqa long before the Taliban comes along because, as he puts it, he wants her to be his own little treasure. Yet in reality he is just a fucking old fashioned prick. With the government that is in place when Laila is born she is able to go to school and get educated, women walk around much like American women (in similar attire), that goes bye bye with the Taliban and then you have the rules you see above. This, at one point happens to Mariam, "His powerful hand clasped her jaw. He shoved two fingers into her mouth and pried it open, then forced the cold, hard pebbles into it. Mariam struggled against him, mumbling, but he kept pushing the pebbles in, his upper lip curled in a sneer. 'Now chew,' he said...Then he was gone, leaving Mariam to spit out pebbles, blood, and the fragments of two broken molars." Why you ask? Because he didn’t like the way the rice she made tasted. When Mariam is pregnant for the first time Rasheed responds with, "If it's a girl," Rasheed said, "and it isn't, but, if it is a girl, then you can choose whatever name you want." In fact, when Aziza is born he pretty much ignores the child completely and considers it a nuisance. Never even calling her by name. Women are beaten, kicked around, and verbally destroyed. When they try to run away at one point, you can imagine what happens…never mind, you probably can’t imagine what happens. If that wasn’t bad there is also the description of the war itself.

The story is brutal…not like Cormac McCarthy brutal anyway. Sometimes when you feel like Hosseini can go that little extra mile to make it leave a lasting impression on you, to really make you feel the pain and anguish, he doesn’t. Really…he does that a lot. Even with the passing of Laila’s parents or friends, the death of Mariams mother, you are kind of left just going “Meh.” In a passing comment he mentions how they find the foot of one of Lailas friends on the roof of a house weeks after she is caught in an explosion…just a passing comment. I think the reason a lot of Americans (or any country for that matter that has never experience urban warfare) don’t really understand war is because we’ve never had to be “in” war. Sure, our country has fought in wars, but have we ever had to actually wake up to the sound of shelling? Hosseini manages to capture this every once in awhile, "At night, Laila lay in bed and watched the sudden white flashes reflected in her window. She listened to the rattling of automatic gunfire and counted the rockets whining overhead as the house shook and flakes of plaster rained down on her from the ceiling. Some nights, when the light of rocket fire was so bright a person could read a book by it, sleep never came." Or when discussing the camps, "He watched little emaciated boys carrying water in their jerry cans, gathering dog droppings to make fire, carving toy AK-47s out of wood with dull knives..." Yet again though I find him…emotionless. Even when he describes these things you have no sense of feelings. Reading them is like reading a history book. Flavorless. Dull. Descriptive. Nothing more.

The cuts from Mariam to Laila (particularly the first one) get tedious. Just when you begin to get engrossed in the character Hosseini loses you by transferring to the next one. Only when Mariam begins to become a mother to Laila does the meshing really occur and it takes far too long. The history aspects of the book, while interesting at time, become boring and lifeless. The story of the two women and the oppression they endure, in my opinion, should have been his primary goal. Instead of cutting between something that happens to the ladies, to suddenly telling us some struggle that is going on, or some tidbit of politics, he should have just stuck with them, told us what was going on through their eyes. At times he manages this wonderfully and yet for the most part he leaves you wanting. A Thousand Splendid Suns is an interesting read, not fast, not slow, not boring, and yet not entertaining. For the most part it is emotionless. Giving us a lifeless tale of two wonderful women.

As an added bonus I decided to give you the poem written by Saib-e-Tabrizi that the title of the novel is derived from.

Ah! How beautiful is Kabul encircled by her arid mountains
And Rose, of the trails of thorns she envies
Her gusts of powdered soil, slightly sting my eyes
But I love her, for knowing and loving are born of this same dust

My song exhalts her dazzling tulips
And at the beauty of her trees, I blush
How sparkling the water flows from Pul-I-Bastaan!
May Allah protect such beauty from the evil eye of man!

Khizr chose the path to Kabul in order to reach Paradise
For her mountains brought him close to the delights of heaven
From the fort with sprawling walls, A Dragon of protection
Each stone is there more precious than the treasure of Shayagan

Every street of Kabul is enthralling to the eye
Through the bazaars, caravans of Egypt pass
One could not count the moons that shimmer on her roofs
And the thousand splendid suns that hide behind her walls

Her laughter of mornings has the gaiety of flowers
Her nights of darkness, the reflections of lustrous hair
Her melodious nightingales, with passion sing their songs
Ardent tunes, as leaves enflamed, cascading from their throats

And I, I sing in the gardens of Jahanara, of Sharbara
And even the trumpets of heaven envy their green pastures

Terminator: Redux

So I watched Terminator: Salvation tonight for some fucking reason. Maybe its because I’m developing a man crush on Sam Worthington. Anyway, the movie got me thinking of how retarded they actually are. There is just so many holes in logic that you could likely drive a truck through them. The biggest one that stuck out for me in Salvation was this. If you can rip a fucking T-800’s head off with pretty much your bare hands why in the name of god would some human dude (who can’t do that) be worth giving your heart to? Really? Really? That makes no sense. He’s just a normal dude, he can’t do shit….except die. Oh but he’s the leader of the resistance. *Cough* You have a guy who can rip a T-800’s head off. Who is stronger, faster, and pretty much impossible to kill. Who is also a better fighter and it appears pretty intelligent. Totally…totally kill him. Dumbasses. So, in response to this I decided to re-write the original Terminator as I saw fit. Here ya go.


Terminator: Redux

EXT. STREET - NIGHT
Some punk kids are doing some punk shit, because, being the 80’s naturally the bad dudes have to be punk. Through the weird fucking time portal looking things comes the TERMINATOR, naturally, he is naked. He’ll kill the punk kids and take their clothes. Obviously one of these punks will have to be somewhat close to Arnold’s size because who isn’t close to Arnolds size right?

CUT TO:

EXT. STREET - NIGHT
KYLE REESE comes through some fucking weird time portal looking thing. Of course, he is naked, because nothing inorganic can come through the portal. Let’s just forget the fact that if a Terminator can come through with metal that cotton certainly wouldn’t make it. He stands up, falls down, gets back up and makes his way around. Eventually he will find clothes off a homeless dude, and some kind of weapon that will in no way defend him against a Terminator.

CUT TO:

INT. NIGHTCLUB - NIGHT
Kyle finds SARAH CONNOR in the nightclub. Duh! Where else would he find her? He runs away with her out of the building fearing that the Terminator will show up and kill her, thus destroying the future leader of the resistance.

CUT TO:

INT. HOTEL - NIGHT
Kyle tells Sarah the story of the future. Of how she will have the child that will lead the resistance, of the Terminator sent back in time to kill her, of how he was sent back in time to save her, bullshit bullshit bullshit, yada yada yada. For some unknown reason Sarah falls for Kyle (maybe it’s the gruff voice and scars), they fuck like rabbits.

CUT TO:

EXT. STREET - NIGHT
Sarah and Kyle walk down the street.

SARAH
So where’s this ginormous killer machine dude.

KYLE
I don’t know, he must not be onto us yet. Consider this a good thing.
Out of nowhere the Terminator (wearing a business suit) comes around the corner and runs into Kyle. Kyle backs up and shoots him. The Terminator looks at the hole missing out of the skin on his chest and looks at Kyle.

TERMINATOR
Now what the hell was that for?

KYLE
You’re here to kill Sarah, I’m here to stop you.

TERMINATOR
(laughing)
Now why in the world would I be here to kill her?

KYLE
(pausing)
Because she is going to give birth to the future leader of the resistance?

TERMINATOR
What good would that do?

KYLE
What do you mean?
Sarah paces back and forth, checking out the muscles on the Terminator.


SARAH
So are you…anatomically correct?

TERMINATOR
I am. Now back to your question…I’m sorry, what’s your name again?

KYLE
Kyle Reese…John Connors best friend?

TERMINATOR
Ohhh right, right. Do you two want to get a cup of coffee or something? I can’t drink any but standing out here on the street makes me self conscious.

SARAH
Sure!

CUT TO:

INT. COFFEE SHOP - NIGHT
The Terminator sits on one side of the table, Kyle and Sarah on the other. Sarah is playing with the spoon in her coffee cup, staring at the Terminator. Kyle looks around nervously, his coffee untouched.

TERMINATOR
Ok, so, in answer to your question. Skynet determined that it would basically be pointless for us to come back and kill Sarah.

KYLE
What?

TERMINATOR
Well, logically you can’t really change history that way. I mean, if John wasn’t the leader then someone else would be. Right? I mean, what, did he have some magical powers or something? Was he a Highlander? No.

SARAH
So I’m not having the future leader of a resistance?

TERMINATOR
I don’t know, you might, if you don’t die in child birth or some crazy car accident. I mean, a lot can happen in nine months.

KYLE
So if you’re not here to kill Sarah why are you here?

TERMINATOR
Well that’s easy. I came back to build more of me. Why waste the opportunity to travel back in time? Duh! I mean, really? When all of these possibilities of how you can really change time are right in front of your face why settle for the obvious?

KYLE
More of you?

TERMINATOR
Well, not more of me. The T-X.

KYLE
T-X?

TERMINATOR
Well technically she would come after me, and after the T-1000. But we figured what the hell, why waste all that effort when we can just make the best the first time. I mean…they should have sent her back this time but then I wouldn’t have gotten to look all badass in a suit.

SARAH
So…can you get an erection?
Both Kyle and the Terminator just stare at her.


KYLE
She?

TERMINATOR
Ohhh yeah. She’s hot too.

CUT TO:

INT. MANUFACTURING PLANT - NIGHT
The Terminator guides Kyle and Sarah through the manufacturing plant. Showing off some cool new weapons that are from the future, some new vehicles, and all the robots he made to create said things. In walks the T-X. She casually strolls over and looks at Kyle and Sarah.


KYLE
So is she here to kill Sarah?

T-X
Sarah?

TERMINATOR
He keeps going on about the horny bitch that looks like a man standing across from you.

T-X
Ohhh. Right.

SARAH
I don’t look like a man.

KYLE
She doesn’t look like a man.

TERMINATOR
Hey, I’m not the one that slept with her.

KYLE
What the…Anyway, so why make a bunch of her?

T-X
Ohhh. That’s easy, so I can eradicate the population of Earth.
Kyle pulls out his gun.

KYLE
I can’t let you do that.
Without hesitation the T-X kills Kyle. Sarah screams and blood gets all over the Terminators suit. He looks at the T-X and shakes his head.


TERMINATOR
Really? I just got this suit.

T-X
Sorry, I’m sorry. He had a gun.

TERMINATOR
And just what in the hell would that do to you?

SARAH
Are you going to kill me now?
The Terminator and T-X laugh.

T-X
No, we think it would be funny to let you live.

TERMINATOR
Just don’t get all buff and shit. You’ll look even more like a man, we still wouldn’t believe you could kick anyone’s ass, and you’ll totally kill your career.

SARAH
Really?

TERMINATOR
Ohhh yeah.


THE END

I'm Alive! Muhahahahaha

Been awhile huh? I guess that’s because I’ve really not had much to say. I’m not really doing anything except sitting at home and waiting for the end of the month. Why the end of the month? That’s when I will be back in the parents house.

Do I want to move back? I think that has a resounding yes…and no.

Yes:
I’ve never been so miserable as when I’ve lived here in this apt. Even then few times I’ve been at the rents house for the night I’ve been much happier. I don’t know if it is because that is “home” or just because I actually feel welcome. I guess what goes along with that is that the roomie and I haven’t exactly been on good terms lately. In fact, last week I think we spoke maybe a sentence to one another. Plus, moving in with the parents again will mean that all of my money that comes in with the new job will not be going anywhere. I can save it and hopefully get my own house by this time next year. Is that a big stretch? A leap? Yes…but I think a little one bedroom house would be awesome (and yes, they have those here). As well I will be able to likely finish my tattoo, have money for my trip, and probably get my other tattoo started.

No:
My no’s are odd. I’ll be back home which means my parents will be nagging me about what to do again. I’m going to be turning 28 in two months and will still be with my parents. On second thought, living at home won’t be that bad. They never really regulated my comings and goings. I’ve only had one girl at my apartment. I can’t count the number for my parents house. Yeah…it’s not going to be bad at all. Plus, I’ll have cable again…woohoo!

So why am I waiting? I’m waiting to find another job until I’m back with them so I won’t have so much other shit on my plate when I find another one. I want to be completely focused on the job and nothing else. So what have I been doing? Well, not reading for the Cannonball Read is what I’ve been doing. Most of my time has been stalking ashes and harassing the shit out of her every time she’s on facespace. That, and watching movies. No…really.

Movies Still Rot Your Brain

Daybreakers
--I think it was Dr. Pisaster over on facespace that said it was Equilibrium for vampires. I didn’t really catch that. In fact…I didn’t really understand the movie. Was it pretty in that gothic way? Yes. Did it have good gore? Yes. Anything else? Not really…the cure was really retarded.

Invictus
--*zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz* Oh I’m sorry what? Huh? Ummmm. Matt Damon got ripped. Morgan Freeman is awesome (as always). That’s about all I got.

The Book of Eli
--I really liked it. Not…I fell in love with and have seen it four times liked it. But I liked it none the less. I will say that I disagree with the review over on Pajiba. I didn’t feel that it was preachy at all. And the ending? Good luck guessing that one.

The Lovely Bones
--So ashes watched this one last night and she says it it no way compares to the book. I…have not read the book. I…thought it was ok. I liked it visually. It reminded me a lot of the look and feel of What Dreams May Come although more washed out…especially in the “now.” Also…that ending…fuck that ending. All the way up to the safe. You’ll know what I’m talking about when you watch the movie. Fuck the whole thing from the safe on. Stupid.

The Road
--Really, really upset me. I was expecting the book. Instead I got a film that could, in no way, compare itself to the book. It was no where near as bleak, or grim, or just plain fucking depressing. Some people have commented on the interesting/cool cameo of Duvall. Yes, it was cool. However, if you’ve read the book he just wasn’t…well…fucking insane enough for the character he was portraying. I mean, the guy in the book says he eats whatever he has to to survive. Whatever he has to. Let that sink in a little while. Plus, no baby eating. That part of the book is forever stuck in my head.

Up in the Air
--Straight up depressed the ever living fuck outta me. Damn’t. Was it a good movie? Yes…but fuck it…fuck it up it’s depressing ass. Bitch.

Brothers
--Would be good if it finished. Either tell the Tobey story…or tell the Jake-Natalie story. If you want to tell both then tell both but actually flesh out both stories and make them mean something. If you only want to tell one story then only tell that story. That was the reason Brothers failed for me. You get invested in the three main characters and nothing is resolved for any of them.

Gamer
--Fun. It’s a fun popcorn movie. Doesn’t really tell a great story. Think of it as Death Race only mix it with Call of Duty. Throw in a little real life SIMS and that’s pretty much the movie. It’s fast though, not quite Crank fast, but fast nonetheless. When it does drag it doesn’t drag for long. Like I said…a good popcorn movie.

Ghosts of Girlfriends Past
--Yeah…don’t ask me why I watched it. I’m saying it was for Stone. Otherwise, I really don’t know why. But it was kind of terrible. Although I wonder if the shirtless wonder MM is really just telling us a story of his own life.

Law Abiding Citizen
--FUN! That’s all I can really say about it. The ending was a bit of a pisser but other then that it’s a pretty fun movie.

Miss March
--Would have to be the dumbest fucking movie I’ve ever seen in my life, and that says something. No really, its that dumb. An example “horsecock.mpg” doesn’t even have a cock. Yeah…the black rapper in the film doesn’t even have any sex organs…no really. Ummm another? Ohh yeah, dude goes into a coma for 4 years right before he is supposed to lose his virginity (which, btw the girl wanted to do and he didn’t). How does he wake up? His best friend hits him in the face with a baseball bat. What happens? Well lets just say when he overexerts himself he has explosive shits. So what do you think happens when he finally loses his virginity to his now Playmate girlfriend? Yeah…stupid.

Observe and Report
--Dull. Really, it was just dull. Even the date rape scene that got shit was…dull. Poor Ray Liotta. It’s about a loser…who is a fucking loser…but thinks he’s the king of the world. It makes no sense…and now I wonder after Paul Blart if I shouldn’t just punch every mall security guy right in the fucking face when I see him. Of course…I would have to go to the mall. Which I haven’t been to but…ohh…3 times in the last 6 years.

Smokin’ Aces 2: Assassins' Ball
--Just as retarded as the original! What’s that you say? It’s a sequel but really a prequel? WOW. Ok…it does have Vinnie Jones and Tommy Flanagan as bad guys. That’s all I really have to say. What’s that? A girl walks in a nun’s costume, strips down to her lingerie in front of a priest and right before performing oral sex on him kisses him and kills him? Well…if I didn’t just sprout a…

Surrogates
--Poor, poor Bruce. This was pretty much shit. Yeah…that’s all I got. Don’t know the plot. Think of it like Avatar except without an alien planet, or aliens, or even less of a plot. Humans don’t interact anymore. They do so with robot human replicas of themselves. Like the avatar interface. Well…someone starts killing them. Bruce Willis, a detective, goes all human like after then guy. What happens in the end…*sigh*…like you didn’t see that coming.

Whiteout
--Not as bad as I thought it was going to be nor as bad as I’ve heard it is. Again, disagree with Pajiba. I didn’t find it to be that boring or slow. In fact, I thought it was a good who-done-it. Which, if you’ve watched those types of movies they tend to stick to the more detective aspect. So, when something new pops up for the detective they slow the pace down to let you try and understand it as well. There were some decent action scenes. Plus, they only waited 8 minutes to get Kate Beckinsale in her underwear…in Antarctica.

The Invention of Lying
--The film was actually really, really promising up until about halfway through the movie…then the gimmick got old and it pretty much just became retarded. I can understand the whole not being able to lie thing but to just be plain brutally honest? Unless someone asks you a direct question there is no need to just tell them everything that pops into your fucking head. Like…for instance…telling Gervais that he’s fat with a pug nose. Why? If someone says, what do you see when you see me? Do you really have to say that? Can you not say I don’t find you attractive? The world was full of assholes. I would kill everyone. Or…the fact that everyone who is not “pretty” is automatically deemed a loser. I’m still trying to figure that one out. Plus…even in a society like this they kind of went a Gattaca route. Like everyone wants someone with good DNA. Have they never heard of people just simply being attracted to another type? However, there is a cameo by Edward Norton as a cocaine addicted cop that is…well…priceless.

Pandorum
--No matter how bad I wanted it to be Event Horizon, it wasn‘t. It was close…but no cigar. I guess it just wasn’t scary enough. It had its moments where it tried but there is a big difference between trying and doing. Plus, I felt the ending was too…happy. Not to mention the timeline of the film. I really couldn’t grasp the timeline. It didn’t make any sense. The suspense wasn’t really up to par either. I felt no sense of urgency. It was a good try though…and no matter what it will likely end up in my collection one day.

The End
I’m having trouble sleeping. I tend to not fall asleep until around 6am…then I don’t wake up until around 3 or 4pm. I don’t know why. I also have no energy. I don’t want to do anything. I know a lot of this is coming from depression. You would think I’d be used to this shit by now.

The Loss of the American Dream

My Life
In the last few years, pretty much since I became an “independent” person as society likes to put it, I’ve constantly questioned myself as to what my dream is. I remember my dream as a child, it was to do something cool, be a mountain climber, an astronaut, a firefighter. As I reached my teenage years my dream became more pronounced, it began to include the ideals of love and life. I wanted to have a successful job, I wanted a wife and children, I wanted my dream house with a white picket fence, I wanted to travel and see the world. I suppose these thoughts of what I wanted life to be like developed through my family.

While we weren’t always “happy” my parents never divorced, they always tried to provide for us to the best of their ability and still do. I remember my mother one time telling me that even when she wanted things she never bought them so that she could make sure we always had what we needed. I know the opposite exists now. In the last few years my father told me, with pride, that for the first time he could remember he actually had money in the bank that wasn’t going to something. My dad worked to become what he is, eventually going back to college late in life and building up to the career he currently has. My mother was stay at home until financially she had to go to work. We went on family vacations, packed into a car with the luggage on the roof. Driving where we needed to go. Our only entertainment was our mind, and books, lots of books (not TV screens with DVD players in the car). We never had the most “up to date” technology, we weren’t the type to have the brand new TV, the coolest computer, or the latest gadget. Happy moments for me was fishing with my father and going to movies with my mother.

In school I was a good student, I never skipped, I brought home the grades, and later I was rarely disciplined. Going into college I had high hopes. I imagined college to be what I always saw in movies. Large auditorium classes, a melting pot of people, learning what I wanted to learn and partying along the way. College ended up being almost the exact opposite of what I expected. Here I was paying for an education (with my own money, I saved up, never got a loan) that included courses I never wanted, sitting in small classrooms that were supposed to be better for the students but only made me feel like I was still in high school, and paying an exuberant amount of money for books and fees that I had no idea what they were going to. It really wasn’t the melting pot I expected, the student protests were usually limited to groups of ten students, and no matter how much I looked I couldn’t find any clubs I wanted to be a part of. I could understand the need for a student to be well educated, to cover all the bases (math, science, history, etc), however I couldn’t ever grasp why I had to pay for things that I wasn’t interested in. In the end not only did college fail me, but I failed college. I was kicked out with two classes left to graduate with my BA and three more to add on three minors. I have people telling me to go back but I can’t really grasp why.

I understand it is so I can get a “better paying job,” but I’ve never been able to picture myself in a corporate job. I can’t imagine sitting in a cubicle, having bosses on top of bosses on top of bosses. That doesn’t sound important to me, or necessary, when did that become necessary? I want to be a writer, saving up the couple of thousand necessary to go back to school seems better spent on going to Europe, at least then I can experience rather than regurgitate. The problem with me is a lack of motivation, I’ve quit most of the things I’ve started, I don’t know why…I quit all the sports I played, I quit school, I quit…caring. I was once two hundred and fifty pages into a novel and deleted it one night when I got drunk because I felt it was shit. I wanted to move to London once, then found out I could never get the “points” to go. Unless of course I had a Masters degree from one of a few universities in this country in business. This helped me to understand the plight of immigration into this country. Everywhere is a sign that says, “No Vacancy.“ I held the same job for seven years but was laid off when the restaurant I worked for closed because of the economy. The story of my life.

I guess this can go into two things. One, the self medication of society, particularly in today’s youth. Two, the concept and failure of the modern American dream.

The Self Medication of Society
My life feels the most like Peter Sarsgaard’s character Mark in Garden State. A failure, in almost every aspect. My grandfather was an alcoholic, I can see myself becoming the same. I don’t consider myself one now, but I can see it happening. After high school I started getting into drugs. At first it was just smoking weed. This gravitated to nitrous oxide, which eventually went to ecstasy and on to the culmination of eventually trying almost every drug known to man. From the drugs I went to drinking, I drink…often, I smoke weed on an occasional basis, and I really wish I could stay fucked up on a twenty four hour rotation. Why? Because a society, a life, through dull/diluted images seems much more interesting than the life I currently lead. On alcohol you forget, you forget everything, your inhibitions go out the window and you can become your “Tyler” from Fight Club. On weed everything becomes much more entertaining, whether that be watching a TV show, seeing the interactions of society, or hearing a joke you’ve heard a hundred times. A quick little research study can kind of help spread this “shocking” (note sarcasm) news of a self medicating society. According to the National Institute of Mental Health website (www.nimh.nih.gov) 14.8 million Americans suffer from Major Depressive Disorder, 3.3 from Dysthymic Disorder, 5.7 from Bipolar Disorder, 40 from some type of Anxiety Disorder, and 15 from a Social Phobia. Think about that and let it sink in. Now getting a statistic like this comes from people who actually tell the truth and/or are treated for one of these disorders. Now how many people never tell and/or are treated? How many suffer from a disorder and never admit it? How many people actually have a problem in the first place? Do we really think this many people suffer from depression, or is it more that society has to place these restraints/classifications on people in order to justify that need? Maybe a need to explain something they can’t put a name to. That would be my guess. So how about suicide? According to the World Health Organization (www.who.int/en) 17.7 per 100,000 men committed suicide and 4.5 per 100,000 women in the United States as of 2009. Suicide people. Suicide. We hear it more on the news now. The murder/suicide of an entire family. Of people killing themselves in real time on the internet. In Japan they have actually had a string of gas/poison related suicides where the victims place notes on the door letting authorities know that the apartment has a poisonous gas in it. In fact, in today’s time how many people have at least considered suicide? Talking to my parents and grandparents no matter how bad things got for them the concept never even entered their head. Lastly, in the terms of self medication, from the National Institute of Drug Abuse website (www.nida.nih.gov), let me mention that they have a large amount of statistics on children. Between the ages of 12 and 20, 10.8 million reported drinking within the last month, 30.5 reported driving under the influence of alcohol. 16.3% of 18-25 year olds used marijuana, 6.4% abused prescription drugs, 2.4 million used cocaine, and MDMA use has continued to increase in the last two years. Why did I just shout out a lot of statistics to you and made it seem like you were either reading A)a boring school paper or B)a boring government paper? Because I really can’t make statistics entertaining while still getting my point across. The world is going to shit. Of course this can also be an example of the complete failure of the “War on Drugs.” Do I necessarily think it is wrong for people to use drugs? No. Do I think that people are over medicated? Yes. We see arguments in society and on the news about how many children are pronounced with having ADD or ADHD and whether or not we are actually misdiagnosing yet do people bother to try and do this with depression? Do you really think 14.8 million people suffer from depression? Or do you think there are a lot that do and never get help compared to those that don’t that do? Why is this an example of the destruction of the American Dream? We are medicating society rather than living. We are choosing to ignore what is going on around us rather than pay attention to it. We are so fucking self-absorbed and juvenile that we don’t know what the meaning of living even is. We would rather live in an alternate world then the one we are actually in. Because the one we are actually in is the one we don’t want to be in. Watch The Chumscrubber.

The Modern American Dream
No one is happy with their lives. I mean really, truly happy. There can always be something wrong.

Money. Like the edict of “Money can’t buy you happiness.” Bullshit. Whoever said that must have been loaded because in today’s society money is the only thing that appears to be able to buy you happiness. But should it be that way? According to the US Department of Commerce in 1961 the average American family income was $5,600 in 1960 (http://www2.census.gov/prod2/popscan/p60-036.PDF). What do you think it is now? Could you even do anything making that much a year? I think homeless people now make more than that. This is one of the reasons for our loss of the American Dream. We no longer look just to provide for ourselves and our family. Now we look to compete in a market driven consumer based society. We need to have that new Ipod, that brand new laptop, the newest videogame system. We want to have a larger TV that’s flatter than our neighbors or best friend. We want to make sure we drive in the car with the leather seats and cd/mp3 player. Did we not want the same things in 1960? I won’t say no because that would just be retarded. However I think that the majority of our lives now strive for this.

Divorce. Looking around quickly I couldn’t find a reasonable statistic. All over the place I saw people saying it was 50% of marriages end up in divorce. I won’t go that high, I’ll say 35%. Even if it is only 35% what does that say? Boredom
is my answer. In this fast paced society we have brought on by short attention spans and the free sex movement of the 60’s/70’s the possibility of a successful long term relationship drops quickly. Because of this. Because of children growing up in one parent households. Watching their parents go through divorce. Seeing the odds of a relationship actually working. We have given up on the concept of true love. Now instead of finding that one person we are going to spend the rest of our lives with we look at the possibility that it may be the first of many marriages. I saw a commercial the other day in which a woman is looking for the man of her dreams, when she finds said man the commercial ends in a wedding where she pronounces “I found husband number two.” We have a TV show called “The Starter Wife.” We have the modern terms of MILF and Cougar. Where did these come about? Look back at the concept of money again, of this notion of bigger and better. We trade in our old models for new ones. Even when we think we have found the perfect someone we continue to look for someone better.

Faith. Being a Deist, and a person who generally despises every aspect of Christianity, I will have to admit that society has faltered somewhat since the absence of church in the home. The youth of today lack the discipline that was once instilled. Now instead of getting in trouble and getting the holy hell whacked out of you parents are expected to “talk” to their children about why what they did was wrong. I got talked to…after I got my butt reddened. What did this teach me? Don’t do that because it has consequences. We also lost the core values of what a family really is. Almost like the military they should be something along the lines of persistence, respect, courage and loyalty. Courage comes from examples of women being raped around people and no one stepping in to help. Loyalty comes from helping your loved ones and that family comes before all else. Respect is easy to identify, how many children now talk back to their teachers? To their parents? How many do you hear say “Yes Ma’am” or “No Sir?” How many would help someone with their groceries or open a door for a lady? Then again look at the fact of what would happen now if you did try to help someone? You stop to help someone with a flat tire and you’re likely to get maced in the face or have the cops called on you. Persistence would stay along those lines of following your dreams. How many people, myself included in this, are simply doing what they have to do not what they want to do? How many have jobs to simply “pay the bills?” Even I have not followed in my parents footsteps.

I feel that life has dwindled to a state of simply going through the motions. Do we really have anything to strive for anymore? What happened to the concept of having a family, raising children? What happened to the concept of love? How did we go from comfort to luxury, from “Leave it to Beaver” to “Modern Family,” from wanting to fight for your country to demeaning it? Where did the family dinner go?

Conclusion
We have kids walking around school with wheelie backpacks. Parents who would rather talk on their cell phone then listen to what their small child did with their day. We have a country that was once the envy of the world and is now almost looked upon as a blight. We have an education system that is failing and yet we dump money into bailing out car companies with CEOs that fly in private jets. We have corporations like McDonalds ever expanding while the small business owners are collapsing. We have become a selfish people, the children of the selfless. We want better then what we had for our children and yet what does that get us? What do we hope for now? Where do we go from here? What has happened to the American Dream?

Ya Damn Pervert!

I see you, watching that movie with a young girl in it and wondering what they are going to look like when they get older. Wondering if they are going to turn out a dud or a sexy vixen. I did the same thing with Waterworld and Tina Majorino...boy was I wrong (btw I was 13 when that movie came out). However there have been others in this world. Others who turned out exactly like you expected...or wanted...and you should feel a little dirty about that. Right? Right? I'm sure you ladies do the same thing as well...like with Daniel Radcliffe or Jonathan Taylor Thomas or something. I have no fucking idea. I was going to ask some ladies their former young guy crushes but I didn't really know how to approach that question.

"So hey, I was wondering if you could help me out with a blog I'm doing. I...uh...want to do a blog about children that end up becoming hotties. What? Where are you going?"

So I decided to just stick with it myself. Now naturally I couldn't do them all...pffft...so I chose a few that stuck out in my head. Here we go...I hope you feel disgusted with yourself by the end. *stiffles laugh*

Alexa Vega
Current Age: 21
When you first saw her? You would likely remember her the first time in Twister when she played the young Helen Hunt in 1996...she was 8. She was 13 by the time the above photo was taken in Spy Kids in 2001. Her last movie you might remember her in Repo! The Genetic Opera.

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Anna Paquin
Current Age: 27
When you first saw her? Should you be a cultured fuck, or someone who pays attention to the Oscars, you would have first seen Paquin here at age 11 in The Piano opposite Holly Hunter. Of course most of you would know her as Rogue from The X-Men. Hey, you dirty fucks, in all likely hood she was only 17 when she filmed that one.

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Christina Ricci
Current Age: 29
When you first saw her? When she played in The Addams Family as Wednesday in 1991. Yes boys and girls that means she was 11 years old. Now look at you. I see you looking at her. Shame on yourself. She played dirty lately but none so more than in Black Snake Moan. Of course you can get a lesbian fix in Monster too.

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Danielle Harris
Current Age: 32
When you first saw her? She was 11 years old in the 1998 Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers. Of course you may also remember her in Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead, City Slickers, and The Last Boy Scout. Where have you seen her recently? At 32 years old she reprised her role from the remake of Halloween in Halloween 2 this year. That would mean at 30 years old she played a high school student. Not bad huh?

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Emma Watson
Current Age: 19
When you first saw her? As Hermione Granger in Harry Potter and the Sorcerors Stone in 2001 at the age of 11. She is still doing that series. How did she celebrate by turning legal? She flashed her crotch for the paparazzi. Awww. Young hoochies in training. Taking a page out of the Britney Spears, Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton manual. At least she has a British accent.

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Kirsten Dunst
Current Age: 27
When you first saw her? Well, the first time you likely remember her (it was her "big" breakout performance) is from Interview With The Vampire circa 1994 when she was 12 years old? Does she look 12? She doesn't look 12 to me she looks 8. She looked like Shirley Temple. Than again Temple turned into a fucking fox when she got older...like Dunst.

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Lacey Chabert
Current Age: 27
When you first saw her? Well, if you are my age, or had an older sister or a mother who basically controlled the TV, you likely saw her on "Party of Five" when she was 12 years old. Now unlike a lot of these now older beauties, Lacey has kind of whored herself...and her now ample breasts...out. Doing shit like Black Christmas and Ghosts of Girlfriends Past...yeah.

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Lindsay Lohan
Current Age: 23
When you first saw her? The Parent Trap, 1998, when she was 12. Now some of you might balk at me for putting Lohan on this list. "Why the hell would you put a fucking insane, crackhead lesbian on this list?" Why? Because before she turned into the insane, crackhead lesbian that she now is Lohan actually looked pretty fucking good. So shut your whore mouth! Just take this picture as evidence.

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Natalie Portman
Current Age: 28
When you first saw her? The first time you saw her would be Leon: The Professional in 1994...she was 11 when she was cast for the film. Admit it. The scene where she does Madonna's "Like A Virgin" made you uneasy. Didn't it? Didn't it? Don't fucking lie of course it did. You can watch that movie now knowing full well that she is almost 30 and yet you will still feel uncomfortable when you watch that scene. You're supposed to. The scenes of sexual tension were intentionally put into the film. Fucked up huh? It's ok...it's ok.

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The Olsen Twins
Current Age: 23
When you first saw them? They were babies. Fucking babies!! That's right, you watched these girls fucking grow up on "Full House" since they were babies! Now look at em. You might say you don't think the Olsen Twins are attractive. That they are too full of cocaine, eating disorders, and semen to actually warrant being attractive. However, for being potential holocaust victims I say they look damn good. Well hello...that is exactly what they need to do. I see a resurgence in their acting career. They need to play holocaust victims. Cha-ching! Of course it also doesn't help they were at one point the richest teenagers in the world. That doesn't hurt.

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Thora Birch
Current Age: 27
When you first saw her? She was a wee 10 year old lass playing Harrison Fords daughter in Patriot Games. Where the above image is from. The scene is even the one where she is in front of the palace guards trying to get them to do something. Remember? Anyway, she pretty much shed her image of being a child when she did American Beauty and showed off her wonderful rack. I'm wondering though. If American Beauty came out in 1999 does that mean that we are looking at a 17 or possibly 16 year old Birch's breasts? Food for thought my friends...foood for thought.

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FOR SOME OF YOU OLDER FOLKS


Drew Barrymore
Current Age: 34
When you first saw her? That would either be E.T. in 1982 or Firestarter in 1984. When she was 7 and 9. Jeebus. I was 0 and 2. Anyway...I would totally do Drew. Sure we had those moments where she went all druggie out and her acting started sucking (psssst she did Poison Ivy) but she totally made a comeback like RDJ.

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Alyssa Milano
Current Age: 37
When you first saw her? She was 13 in 1985 when she did Commando. Since then she has been topless in a bunch of stuff. Had lesbian, straight, and bisexual sex in other stuff. Done bad sequels (pssst she was in Poison Ivy 2) and tried to bring life back into her career. I don't think it worked.

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FOR YOU REALLY OLD FOLKS


Jodie Foster
Current Age: 47
When you first saw her? She did a lot of TV even before she was 10 but one of her first films was Tom Sawyer and then Taxi Driver when she was 14. For some reason there were a lot of complaints about her playing a prostitute. I don't know why. Pffft...people.



Some of you might say there are more. I know this. For example Eliza Dushku is pretty foxy now and she was 14 when she did True Lies in 1994. Or you could mention Rachel Miner who was 10 when she played the younger Alice in Alice. Are you feeling dirty yet? You should...PERVERT!!