My Life As Of Late

So let me tell you how my day went.

I went to probation today…no biggie…but the probation officer decided to drug test me. Now, I had no fear of the actual drug test, I knew I was clean, I haven’t touched anything in fucking forever. What I have a weird phobia of is pissing in front of people. Apparently its called Paruresis. I don’t piss at urinals when I go out, I always head for the stall. If I’m somewhere where the urinals are open but the stalls aren’t I will stand there and fucking wait for one to open. I’ve always been like this, at least as far back as I can remember. The only time I don’t have a problem pissing in front of people is when I’m drunk. Shit, if I’m drunk I could piss on you…while looking you in the face.

Well when you take a drug test the dude stands there and watches you. So, I stood there for about five minutes with my dick in my hand, told him I couldn’t do it, and he told me to wait around and drink some water. Well by now I’m nervous as shit. The nerves started while I was standing there trying to piss. I felt like a fucking failure. So I go out, drink some water, and wait. Here’s the kicker. If you’re on probation and are required to piss you can’t leave. On top of that you have about a two hour window to do so, failure to piss and its an automatic fail and you go to jail. So now my nerves are doubled.

Seven, fucking SEVEN, bottles of water and two hours later I’m still not pissing. This is when I start to feel like I did when I was in jail. I’m assuming it’s a panic attack. I’ve never had one before until I went to jail so that’s the only thing I can assume it is. My heart starts racing, I feel nauseas, I start shaking, and I get this overwhelming urge to cry. Really. If you’ve ever seen a 6’4” almost 300lb hairy man cry…its not a pretty sight (plus I was in all black today). So I’m flipping the fuck out. I’m not alone though.

There is another guy who has been waiting about an hour and a half trying to pee. His problem is different though, he KNOWS he’s going to fail the fucking test. He doesn’t want to go to jail. The kicker for him? He’s on probation for an invalid drivers license. An invalid drivers license and they’re making him take a piss test.

Finally he calls me again and I go for it. We’re heading to the bathroom and I stop him. I explain to him that I know I’ll piss clean, that I have a problem pissing in front of people, and I’m freaking the fuck out because I don’t want to go to jail on account that I have a shy bladder. So he lets me take a piss while he stands outside. Whew! Except now I’m so fucking jacked up I still can’t piss. Another five minutes goes by and I swear to god I strained so hard to piss that I thought I was going to shit myself. Low and behold I manage to piss out just enough to pass the line. Guess what? Clean. Fuck my life.

On top of that I got dicked over at counseling. When I originally went to get my drug and alcohol evaluation I was told I would need to do 12 group counseling sessions…$40 a pop. Well I went to another counselor and he told me I would only need to do 6 individual counseling sessions at $40 each. Guess which one I wanted to take? So I did another evaluation (which brings us to a total of $225 just on evaluations) and wait for the results. 6 sessions my fucking ass. The guy put on there that he recommended me for 4-6 months of group. 4-6 months? Motherfucker that’s $640, minimum. So after talking to my actual counselor he’s weeded that down to one month of group and individual, $320. So I won’t be done with counseling, or off of active probation, until the end of July. I hope, after seeing how hard it was for me today, that that fucking probation officer doesn’t call me in for some random drug test when I’m inactive.

What else is going on in my world. Online dating? Yeah…fuck that. I’ve only gotten responses from two people that I actually messaged. One, I messaged a long time ago and she just now got back to me. The second one? Well…let’s just say I’ve asked her probably 30 questions. Every answer she gives me is exactly off of her profile (which I read, several times). How many questions has she asked me? One? Maybe two? That doesn’t really seem conducive to me as to someone who is actually interested in you at all. Her response to this? “Well, I tend to meet people when I’m out and see where it goes from there.” What? Then why the fuck are you on an online dating site? Isn’t the whole point of that to meet someone online, get to know them, and decide if you actually even want to attempt a date? Maybe I’m wrong, fuck it.

ashes finally started talking to me again. If you know me I kind of flipped out. We’ve been talking on a semi-daily basis for about a year now. All of a sudden, for two weeks, I couldn’t get a peep out of her. I pretty much lost my shit. I know I talked to Trouble about it, I think I may have talked to coveredinbees about it too. Both of them basically told me to just shut up, chill out, and wait. She got back to me, it appears she was just too busy to spend any real time online. Next month I will have literally talked to her more than any person I’ve ever been in a relationship with. I’ve never even met her. Shit…I still don’t even have her phone number.

School. Fuck. I still haven’t written that letter. I can write anything…and I can’t write a fucking letter to get myself back into college. Every time I think I know what I want to write I end up junking it. I have until July 2 to turn it in. I’ve been sitting on this for over a month now. Maybe I should just keep it simple. What’s that phrase? KISS? Keep It Simple Stupid. Maybe the letter should be as such:

To whom it may concern,

I have two classes left to graduate.

You expel people for having a gpa under 2.0, my gpa is a 1.97 (my major gpa is a 2.8).

If I took five classes I would have my degree and three minors.

Without your stupid piece of paper I cannot get a well paying job.

Don’t be a dick.

Thank you for your consideration,

DB

p.s. I’ve also given your university enough money to buy a brand new car in cash.

Whadaya think?

By the way. This no drinking thing is seriously giving me some extra cash in the bank. Because of this I’ve started shopping online a lot (also considering I can’t leave the fucking house). This may not be a good thing.