Sunday, May 23, 2010

The Proliferation of Snails With Opposable Thumbs

Few people know that in the beginning of 2010 a new terror befell the world. That terror came from a new breed of snail. That snail is known for its opposable thumbs. Don’t know what an opposable thumb is? Well look down at your keyboard or mouse. Unless you lost your thumb in some freak horror accident (like getting it stuck in the garbage disposal or shot off by an enraged ex) you have an opposable thumb. We aren’t the only ones. There are other animals with opposable thumbs, like monkeys and lemurs, but this is the first time a snail has ever emerged with them. So what’s the big deal? Unlike normal snails the addition of the opposable thumb not only allows them to be faster, but allows them a wider range of movement. Ever seen a snail swing from one tree to the next? Ever seen them pick up a weapon? They can do it. Crazy little fuckers. However, its not just the fact that they have said opposable thumbs that make them terrifying, its also the fact that they are carnivorous. Like their cousins the Powelliphanta Snails in New Zealand and elsewhere the Decollate Snail, these little bastards love meat. That’s right, fucking opposable thumb having meat eating motherfuckers.
** The image above is that of the carnivorous Powelliphanta Snails in New Zealand.

The little bastards emerged from the island of Makira located in the Solomon Islands. Living in a dense environment they have managed to also grow in size exponentially, dense, therefore meaning untouched by man. Along with the rapid growth they have also managed to proliferate rapidly. See, when most snails mate they grind their feet against one another in their form of sex and the fertilized egg will hatch in a matter of a few weeks. They are hermaphrodites. These opposable thumb snails (otherwise known as Little Bastard Demon Spawn of Hell snails…LBDSH Snails for short) grab on to each other and grind like it’s the end of the world. Seriously, these little fuckers fuck like rabbits. When I mentioned they were carnivores I left out the worst part…they love the sweet taste of human flesh. Two native tribes, both the Melanesians and Polynesians, have tried to combat them. Warriors have come out of the woodwork in an attempt to defend their people and stop them. Resorting to old styles of costuming in an endeavor to frighten the fearless snails, and reverting back to primitive methods, they have yet to prove a successful offensive. However, the LBDSH Snails are resilient (in other words bored), and have moved off the island.
** The picture is of a Polynesian warrior attempting to scare the ever living shit out of a LBDSH. The warrior behind is realizing that one of them is flying at his face.

You would think they would naturally head to Australia, the closest ginormous land mass, but instead they have moved to the US. First landing in Los Angeles the snails have developed their own urban camouflage in order to blend into their surroundings. Once individual or small pack hunters they have quickly united into gangs. Some scientists are hoping that they will simply kill each other off but it doesn’t look that way. They have been spotted as far east as South Carolina (where they have left tag marks of Rebel Flags on unsuspecting prey), and as far North as the lower edge of Canada. Scientists can’t guess how long it will be before they become completely dominant but they are guessing that (because they fuck like rabbits) it will only take a matter of years. As far as the government is concerned they are going for a “pretend it isn’t there and it won’t happen” approach. When speaking to top White House officials they tend to laugh, wave a hand in front of their face, and make a “pffft” sound. We don’t know if this is a defense technique that actually works or not, should it work, I will let you know.
** The first picture is of a local gang member in a Los Angeles group of LBDSH. The second image is of a poor hermit crab tagged by a Redneck LBDSH.

One of the saddest parts of this snail domination by the LBDSH is the lack. of identity in the smaller species of snails. Some of them no longer believe life to be necessary, that their step in the evolutionary process has been dropped to zero. In response many of them are resorting to suicide. Environmentalists are trying to figure out some way to give these snails counseling, but so far all attempts have been rendered futile. They simply cannot understand what they are supposed to be anymore.
** The snail pictured is attempting to slit him/herself with a razor blade. Some people think he/she is actually attempting Seppuku, after he failed to defend his family from an attack by the LBDSH.

Two other rival factions have emerged though. In South America and Mexico the Chupacabra Snail has been trying to attempt an uprising. The only difficulty comes in their hard time trying to mate. When they attempt to rub their feet together they have a tendency to gouge their mate to death. In other words, for every one that is spawned one is killed. That hasn’t stopped them from trying though, and slowly but surely their population is beginning to increase. Scientists feel though that by the time they reach in the thousands they will still be no match for the (by then) millions of LBDSHs. Another faction is known as the In Your Face Fuck You Snails (YFFY Snails for short).
These snails are having an even harder time mating because they can’t even stand the sight of each other. Early reports seem to indicate though that even the LBDSHs can’t bare to look at them and so attempts are being made at trying to figure out a way to use them as sheep dogs, corralling them into clusters where they can be eliminated.
** The first image is that of a Chupacabra Snail, the second that of the equally ferocious YFFY Snail. Both of these were discovered by Dr. Takeshi Yamada.

No one knows what the future will bring for the LBDSHs. Studies are being made to find out if certain poisons can be developed only for them. Other research groups are delving into the possibility that they may be the next step in evolution, the race that will wipe out humans. Yet another is trying to find ways to domesticate them, possibly to be used in military applications or even home security. What is known is that they will eat you if they catch you, that they will swarm you in numbers, particularly in the shower, or while you’re sleeping.

Keep an eye open.
** Two LBDSH attack a woman's hand after she has succumbed to a group of them.

P.S. Blame this post on was her fault.


  1. Genius! I am recommending this to all who now need to know fear of snail domination.
    I, for one, welcome our new Snail Overlords.

  2. i neglected to come over here and comment when i first read this. i think it took me a few days to process the sheer awesomitude.

    SNAIL/PALIN 2012!

    just kidding. everybody knows snail isn't ready for the job yet.

  3. HA! I want to see some gang signs.