Sunday, November 28, 2010

The Sound Of Silence

Some of you may have been wondering what happened to me. I was informed a few days ago that I haven’t written anything in over a month. There’s a perfectly good reason for that.

It’s not that I haven’t had anything to write about. I may be unemployed again…as of the first of the year. My best friend moved in with me…at least until the first of the year. I went to/and helped with, a suspension show around two weeks ago. I’ve gone on several dates with my high school crush (that‘s right…my high school crush), and I‘ve started talking to a tattooed cutie from Atlanta. I’ve been to Atlanta more in the last month than I have in the 11 years I’ve lived here.

Like I said, I have plenty to write about.

The thing is, from the week before Thanksgiving to the week after Valentines Day, I am in an utter and complete mode of depression. It’s not something I can snap out of. Believe me, I’ve tried. This always seems to be the worst time of year for me. When the past year comes crashing down around me.

My first (almost DUI)? Christmas Eve. My DUI? February 1st.

I almost wish I could just walk up to the Kennesaw Jail and ask them if they can arrest me until February 21st. I know the best solution would be to simply not go out…make myself a shut in…but honestly, I think that would make it worse. What I really want to do is get super drunk, and drive off a bridge.

About two weeks ago I even had a flash of a suicidal thought, and it‘s been awhile. Before any potential reader flips out, know this, I will never kill myself. No matter how bad I think my life is (believe me, I know it’s not that bad), suicide will never be an option. I’m the only person to blame for anything in my life, and I accept my faults. I will live through my choices.

The biggest thing is…couples. I’ve never, never been in a relationship through the silly season. All of my relationships seem to end in November. The one that didn‘t? She wasn’t even here half the time, she was in Italy. So? What’s the problem with that? Let me try to explain.

What do you see on TV this entire season? Engagement commercials. Couple commercials. Family commercials. What do you see when you go out? People snuggling, kissing, holding hands. This Silly Season is typically when couples flourish, when relationships start, when romance is kindled. People don’t want to be alone during the Holidays. They want someone to kiss on New Years (which has happened to me once…thank you Jennifer). They want someone to curl up with when it gets cold. They want someone to have with them during all the family dinners.

What do I get? I get to sit at Thanksgiving…with the two married couples. Christmas…with the two married couples. I spend money for other people to have a good Valentines Day.

It’s not just that though. The end of the year is the beginning of a new year. And every year seems to be more bleak than the last. This year? Started out with me unemployed, then I had to move home, then I got a DUI. Then I found out I couldn’t get back into college. Then my hours got cut at work. The whole time I’ve been single. Single again for the third year in a row.

How will this year start? Single. Likely unemployed. Still living at home.

I know it’s because I’m not actively chasing my dreams. I’m not putting myself out there. I’m not trying. But if you could understand (and I don’t want a bunch of people saying, “I know how you feel…”) how hard it is to do anything when you’re stuck in a rut, when you have no motivation, when you have no passion. Everything seems to be a chore. Find a new job? Do you realize how hard it is to find a job this time of year? Did you hear the statistics on unemployment?
October for those 25 years of age or older:
Less than a high school diploma: 14%
High school graduates, no college: 9.2%
Some college: 8.1%
B.A. or higher: 4.5%
*taken from the U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics

So…to all of my college graduate friends yelling at me to get a new job. Please, for the love of god, shut the fuck up. I can’t get a job when they are not fucking hiring. Not to mention, I don’t know what I want to do. Here's what I know I want. I want a job that has a lackadaisical dress code. I don't want to sit in a fucking cubicle. I want my mind to be engaged. Repetition annoys the fuck out of me. That's why I hate my job. That's why I hated college.

Have I tried to get back into school? Yes. I tried to get back into KSU and they denied me. I talked to UGA and Georgia State and both of them told me I would have to go to a tech school first. So, here’s the deal. I had two classes left to graduate. Now they want me to go to a tech school…likely for a year…maybe, maybe if I’m lucky one semester. Then I would have to transfer. But there’s no guarantee that once I transfer I’m going to be done in a semester…a year…maybe two years. Do you realize the money involved in that? The time? When I still don’t even know what it is I want to fucking do? When I’ve hated my entire college experience?

On top of that I’m thinking of Christmas presents, of saving my money for my trip next year, of getting my passport, on continuing dating, normal bills and things that cost money…when I have cut hours and potentially no job. When all I want to do is blow my money and attempt to have fun. I want to run away.

I wish I could hide in a hole.

I hate this time of year. I hate this time of year. I hate this time of year. I hate this time of year. I hate this time of year. I hate this time of year. I hate this time of year. I hate this time of year. I hate this time of year. I hate this time of year. I hate this time of year. I hate this time of year. I hate this time of year. I hate this time of year. I hate this time of year. I hate this time of year. I hate this time of year. I hate this time of year. I hate this time of year. I hate this time of year.


  1. Yeah, that does suck. Not just the single crap, but the life crap too. Hope you make it through without anymore damage...

    Try this: I stopped using other people to define what my life should be. I stopped listening to people saying that I shouldn't be single at my age or that I should have THIS kind of job or that I should be doing THIS or THAT. Fuck it. I set my own terms. I don't have anyone else to worry about (except my dog) and since no one else has to live my life, I get to do it. Do whatever the fuck you want and stop letting other people tell you how to feel about where you are. Ya dig?

    Good luck...

  2. Ahhh, the same thing happens to me around Christmas every year too. I spent 6 years single (celibate too), and then love just came along. I think it shows up when you're ready for it and not searching. I hope you can climb out of this and find a little shred of happiness. I also agree wholeheartedly with Trouble above.