Friday, March 19, 2010

Bar Skills

This isn't a guide on how to order a beer, although I would say your best bet is to be loud and make yourself seen. You're never going to get that beer if you continue
to stand behind someone taller than you. It's not a guide on how to get through that bar crowd, I would recommend getting behind someone bigger than you and pushing. This is a humorous look at how to approach a girl at a bar. Let me begin by saying that I don’t go for the one night stands. I’m not interested so therefore I have no idea how to approach a situation like that. Not to say I can’t tell the girls that would likely go for it. In fact, those one night stand type of girls can be easily spotted if you are able to read body language. I consider myself to be fairly good at this. I would say some of it comes from being a writer, I like to study and watch people. Many times through the course of a night at a bar I’ve watched guys go after women. I can tell by little observations how far they are going to get in just their initial meeting. Reading body language is a significant advantage. I prefer to date…so this guide is mainly for those interested in that same avenue.

1) What to Wear:
I read somewhere that what is the most pleasing to the human eye for a person to wear is blue jeans and a white shirt. I’m assuming this is because of the blank slate appeal it has. When you see someone wearing a simple outfit it is easier to imagine them in something else. Plus, something to do with the colors complimenting. Anyway…I say fuck that. There is nothing like going to a bar and seeing a dozen guys all wearing the same fucking shirt and jeans. Maybe this guy is wearing a v-neck white shirt, that guy over there a button up. The dude in the corner is wearing ripped jeans, that numbfuck is wearing dark jeans. It may be pleasing, but I say boring.

True Story: When out during the pub crawl for St. Patties Day last weekend I was at a friends bar and watched four guys walk in, all wearing blue jeans and white shirts. The only difference between them seemed to be the type and amount of cologne they were wearing.

If you want to get noticed I would say wear something original. I’m not saying go out wearing a Bill Cosby sweater with some suspenders and red pants. I’m saying be yourself, wear your style, be unique. If a girl doesn’t want you because of what you’re wearing…you don’t want that girl. When it comes to hair I can’t really say much. That kind of relies on the individual. Your facial structure denotes what kind of hair style you should have. I have picked up on a few things though. One…gel is out. Other then the douche bag frat boys (those of the Ed Hardy, Affliction, and Polo variety) I don’t see too many guys using product in their hair anymore. I’m guessing this is because the ladies don’t like running their hand through a layer of concrete. Two…when it comes to facial hair (as per instructions on Queer Eye for the Straight Guy) keep it short and trimmed. In the episode they recommend the five o’clock shadow look. Here’s a hint though, if you grow a beard keep it off your fucking neck.

2) Look for the Ring:
This one is key gentlemen…key.

True Story: I was out with a friend the other night and I watched him walk over to a girl standing at the bar. I immediately started laughing and looked at another one of my buddies. “What’s wrong with this picture?” I asked. He took one quick look and responded, “Jesus Christ that rock is blinding me from over here.”

Look for the ring whether that be a wedding ring or an engagement ring. Now I know there are some of you out there, myself included, who have ignored said ring and actually had productive results. But do you really want that? I mean really truly? I found that for every female I stole out of a relationship I have always had trust issues, “well if she cheated on her boyfriend with me what’s to stop her from cheating on me?” From the other perspective, the “I’m going to strike out with this one” perspective the only thing you’re doing is wasting time. This could be the time spent buying her a drink, talking her up, finding out things about her, only to have her strike you down with the wrath of the ring when anything starts going somewhere. Just do yourself a favor…and look. I’ve also realized a trend lately that I never noticed before. The fake ring. Some women wear a ring simply so men will leave them alone when they go out. I suppose this goes along with the female bartender spitting their shot into a coke bottle when they get one bought by a customer.

3) The Group She is With:
Another key, don’t just hone in on the girl and ignore everything else, check out their environment. Is the lady with a group of guys? Chances are high that one of them is her boyfriend/fiancĂ©e/husband. Again, this is not always the case but it might require some more reconnaissance. Check to see their interactions. This could be as slight as a hand on hand under a table, or a full on make-out session. The idea is to just pay attention. Another thing to look out for when a girl is with a group of guys is the guys themselves. Just because she might not be in a relationship with one of them doesn’t mean that: A) One of those guys isn’t looking to be in a relationship with her. B) They don’t consider her to be their “little sister.”

True Story: When out with our friends one night the two “players” of the group decided to have a competition. We were allowed to pick each of them out a girl and they had to get her phone number. The first one my friend picked, she was a single lady sitting at the bar. The first “player” went up and struck out. I picked a girl sitting at a table alone with eight guys for the other one. He came back five minutes later with her phone number, lit it on fire, and proceeded to drink his beer.

Another situation you may have is the woman with a group of women. This one can almost be more dangerous then the group of men. Play your cards wrong and you will be eaten alive. Your best bet, should you go for it, is to ignore her friends and focus on the one you are interested in. If she is interested in you when the friends start harassing you, she will defend you. The worst thing you can do in this situation is try to hit on multiples of them. Unless you’re just that damn good you will strike out completely. Of course, you may also end up in the diversion situation. This is the one where you start hitting on one girl and they pass you off onto another. Your best bet is to find a girl sitting at a table with either an even ratio of guys to girl, a woman sitting solo, or where the odds are slightly wavering (like 2 girls one guy).

4) Buying Her A Drink:
Always the tricky one here. What kind of drink to get her. There are actually four routes you can take here. A) Pay attention to what she is drinking and simply order her another. If you’re friends with the bartender or server this only makes this option easier. B) Tell the bartender or server to give her whatever shot she so desires. While this may make you look lazy it also gives her and you an opportunity. Her, to order what she actually wants (which may be expensive). You, to possibly get an early rejection and cash out (that rejection would be if she declines your offer). C) Get her a fruity drink/shot. There is that woman that prefers her liquor straight up (and I prefer those women) however I’ve known few to turn down a fruity drink. The inevitable question I hear out of most ladies mouths is, “What’s in it?” I swear I really want to answer rohypnol. D) Should you be the type of man that can’t stand to buy anything other then straight up…go for tequila. Don’t do a bottom shelf like Jose Cuervo, and if you don’t have the money don’t aim high and get Patron, I prefer to buy Sauza (typically Sauza: Hornitos or Sauza: Conmemorativo). The reason to go for tequila is most anyone won’t refuse it. I know plenty of people who have the hate poison (typically rum, vodka, whiskey, in my case Southern Comfort), but few turn down tequila. Good advice, not Jager.

True Story: Out a bar with two friends one night. We are sitting at a table and the table next to us has six girls at it. My friend is drunk and decides he wants to buy them shots. I recommend tequila, he buys them all Jager. Only three of them actually take the shot, the others just kind of gave him a look. Then he gets pissed and starts mouthing off to them because none of them even came over to say thank you. Guess who walked away with a phone number. This guy.

5) The Approach:
I don’t use pickup lines and I wouldn’t recommend them. I can’t recommend them. The only time I have actually seen pickup lines work is when the girl was completely wasted, or the guy was a douche bag. I’ve actually had a friend get laid on “Nice shoes wanna fuck?” Here is where I insert the fact that he was a douche bag. My advice, be genuine. I think the best way to introduce yourself to a woman is the exact same way you introduce yourself to anyone else you meet. Your name. There, that’s it, no magical formula, no instant laid guarantee. Just give her your name and ask for the same in return. I know it’s shocking right? What’s shocking is why people feel the need to come up with a “line.” I mean seriously, when did that start? I think if anything it was originally intended to be an attention getter. I’ve read these new guys saying that the best way to get a woman’s attention is to start with a compliment. Her eyes, her hair, etc. I think that’s lame. You can bring that up later but don’t bust that out right out of the gate. Ask her name, get a handshake.

True Story: ashes is my go to for pickup lines. I swear she gets some of the best I’ve ever heard. She told me one that went along these lines…”How bout we go back to my truck and watch a movie? And by movie I mean sex.”

6) Topics of Conversation:
I’m in that boat of guy who gets really shy when it comes to actually talking to a woman. Online I can spit fantastic game with the written word, in person is a totally different subject. When deciding what kind of conversation to have it’s best to leave three things out when you begin. Don’t talk about sex, don’t talk about drugs, don’t talk about yourself. When you are interested in a person they love the attention, find out about them. Ask what they do for a living, if they have any siblings, what their major is/was, what kind of hobbies they have. The only time you should talk about yourself is in correlation with what they just said, or if they ask you a question. Sex is something that should come later in a conversation. You can initiate it if you want, but bring it up slowly. Don’t just look at her and go, “So…do you do anal?” Never bring up drugs unless they do first.

True Story: I was at a bar one night with a coworker and some other friends. The coworker (whom I was interested in) started asking me about one of my friends. How old he was, what did he do for a living, etc. I was a little annoyed so I just walked over to him and told him she was interested in him. I saw the smile on her face when he started approaching and ordered another beer. Five minutes later she walked away from him. When I went over and asked him what happened he responded with, “I don’t know, I just asked her if she wanted to do some coke and she walked away.”

In the case of talking about yourself my advice would be to find common ground. If you like anime and you find out she does, run with it. In my case I usually find out if they like movies, if they do, I can talk all night. Find that common interest and you’re golden.

7) How to Make An Impression:
Many gentlemen older and wiser then myself have given me one rule and I try my damndest to follow that rule. It used to be, “If you can make them smile you can make them do anything.” I follow the principle of, “If you can make them laugh you’ve opened the door.” First and foremost you have to make yourself stand out from the other eight gajillion douche nuggets that have hit on them. So to begin you have to simply find your forte. I can make people laugh and I tell great stories. That’s my niche. I’m also full of useless information (for example, did you know that if you light someone’s cigarette you will look 10% better to them?) . Above anything make sure you come across as intelligent, honest, and open. Ladies can read you like a book.

True Story: At a bar one night I was trying to squeeze in to order a drink from the bartender. The only gap I could find was between a guy who took an hour to do his hair, and a lovely little lass, so I slid right in-between them. I smiled at her and apologized for the tight fit, which made her laugh, after ordering my drink I introduced myself while I waited and asked her some random questions. I like breaking the ice with questions like; What is your favorite drink, favorite color, favorite flavor of ice cream, favorite candy, etc. I could hear hair boy getting irritated behind me so when I got my beer I walked away. Eventually I found a seat near the end of the bar, when he went on a bathroom break she came over and gave me her phone number.

8) Don’t Try too Hard:
This is important motherfuckers. Important. No matter if you think you’re in there or not do not try too hard. What do I mean? Do not be a lost puppy. At least, that’s what I call the guy who follows a woman around all night. This also goes for relationships as well. Sitting at a bar you can tell the relationships that typically won’t last because the guy is a leech. My favorite is when you start talking to a girl and the guy steps up behind them and puts their arms around them. Marking their territory as I like to call it.

True Story: Out one night I recognized a girl I hadn’t seen in a few years so I walked up to her and started talking to her. From nowhere her boyfriend comes up and wraps her up and introduces himself. She was ok with it at first but then he wouldn’t walk away. He stayed there, listening to the conversation, arms around her. After awhile I laughed, looked at him, and asked him if he just wanted to go ahead and piss on her to mark his territory. He didn’t think that was very funny.

Anyway, don’t be that lost puppy. Conversation starts to die a little just walk away, give her space. The last thing you want to do is suffocate her, especially if you just met her. Sometimes you need to simply go with the motto less is more. Most of the time if you’re at a bar the person you are talking with is out with friends, take this into account, let them hang with their friends.

9) Pace Yourself:
The last thing you want to be is that drunk asshole. Sure, you may think your confidence level is higher but so is your dickhead factor. You’re not sexy when you’re stumbling around and slurring your speech. Not to mention your honesty may become a bit too extreme. Next thing you know you’re talking about how many sexual partners you’ve had, that your last girlfriend was a dead fish in bed, and that you’ve secretly always had a fantasy of being in a bi-sexual threesome where you screw the girl while a guy screws you. If that won’t get you laid buddy nothing will! Also, pacing yourself shows responsibility and maturity. It’s one thing to get shit faced, it’s another to maintain a constant buzz the entire night. There is also the puke factor. I don’t know a single person who likes to watch another person vomit. Puking in her lap is I’m sure a wonderful turn-on. There is also that little factor called beer goggles. If your friend asks you if a girl is attractive before they go hit on them the odds of them actually succeeding at managing anything are monumentally low. The absolute worst time to approach a woman is when you're drunk. It’s not just the fact that you’re likely annoying as hell. There is also the case where you spill their, or your, drink. Where you say stupid shit. Where you ask if you can take a shot out of their cleavage. I could go on and on.

True Story: My friend was drunk, really drunk, like to the point where he asked a shooter girl with no tits if he could take a shot out of her cleavage and paid her $8 for one of those water diluted shots from a tube. Anyway, he was going after his, ohhhh, fifth girl of the night. He walked over to their table, set his drink down, smiled (mind you he was at a table with two girls and one guy) and as he went to sit he completely busted ass. They got up and moved…leaving him on the floor.

10) Getting her Number:
I used to be old school and would ask the girl for her number, I’ve become a little different. I like strong, independent women. I typically don’t go for the quiet ones anymore, nor do I go after the ones dancing by themselves thinking they are strippers. I find a confident woman and go after her. Thus, why I don’t ask for her phone number anymore. If the night is going well, if the conversation is flowing, I usually say this, “How about I get your number? If you’re not comfortable with that I can always give you mine.” I like putting the ball in their court, I like giving them my number. Many times I have done this I have actually gotten a text message from them soon after I leave that says something along the lines of, “Well now you have my number.” This is really all about how you play it. The ball…as they say…is in your court. Of course the rare lady will ask for your number (and I like those rare ladies) and that‘s always nice. You could also completely strike out…I’ve been trying to get ashes number for what feels like almost a year now. In this case I’m being persistent. If she declines to do either don’t be a jackass. Smile, nod your head, and walk the fuck away. The last thing you want to do is make a scene because A) she will tell other people and B) if you frequent that bar its bound to get around what happened. You also have to remember that getting the number doesn’t seal the deal. In many cases you might actually call her later and she won’t answer, she may even give you the “I’m actually kind of seeing someone” speech, never the fuck you mind. This was just another lesson in the game called life.

True Story: Ever heard of the rejection hotline? I’ve actually gotten that number from a girl before. At first I was hurt…then I thought it was hilarious.

I’m not a pimp, playa, or master at the art of seducing a woman. This guide was mainly meant for entertainment value with honest suggestions thrown in there. Another rule to keep is genuine politeness and manners. You wouldn’t believe how a simple act like opening a door or letting the lady order first can swing points in your direction. Above all, be yourself, because if you fake who you really are you’re not going to make it very far. Back to what I said at the beginning though, body language, learn it, live it, love it. Above everything watch out that you don't become the sucker...there are those girls out there that will get you to pay their entire tab and you don't get anywhere. I knew a girl who was like this, and she called the guy "the sucker." I've seen many women do this at bars now. And remember: some of these rules are meant to be broken. You just have to know when to break them.

True Story: If a girl asks you to buy her a drink...don't. One of my ex-girlfriends loved going to bars, we met at a bar, hung out most nights at bars, we were bar people. Her favorite thing was to find these suckers. One night she calls me and says she's out at the bar with some friends and I should come by when I get off work because she wanted to come home with me. So, I head up there and walk inside to find her hanging on some guy at the bar. I sat at the opposite end and watched. She never did anything with him. She never touched him inappropriately, kissed him, or let him touch her. That guy bought her drinks the entire night. Closing time comes and the guy asks if he can take her home. "No thanks," she replied, then promptly walked over to me and we left. At first this used to piss me off, eventually I realized I wasn't having to pay her tabs and that she was prepping me to watch out that I didn't become that sucker.

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