Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Christians In Porn!

Who doesn’t like porn?

Nevermind, I know several people who don’t like porn, but I can’t understand these people.

I personally don’t like some porn. I’m not into golden showers, two girls one cup, beastiality, or anything else that involves shit, piss, or vomit. However, I like porn.

What baffles me, however, are crosses.

Seeing a cross in porn instantly makes me laugh my ass off. Especially when it’s not in a role playing type of porn. I can understand the symbolism of it in porn that involves nuns, priests, etc. I can’t understand the people (in particular women…I couldn’t find many crosses in gay porn) who would keep their cross on while getting rammed from behind by a ginormous cock. Are they praying that they don’t get torn? That they survive the penis pummeling? Let’s take a look at why I find this humorous.

#3
Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God In vain; for the Lord will not hold him guiltless that taketh his name in vain.
The bible doesn’t flat out define this in particular. Over the years it’s been inferred as encompassing symbols as well. The cross…totally fits in the symbol category. By wearing a cross while Jimmy dumps a load of hot, gooey, semen on your face, well, that’s taking the Lord’s name in vain. I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t approve, the Lord that is…Jimmy would totally approve.

#5
Honour thy father and thy mother: that thy days may be long upon the land which the Lord thy God giveth thee.
How many parents love the fact that their children are in porn? How many of them would approve? We’re going to ignore porn stars like Sunny Lane…whose parents actually work as her agent. Or the fathers that are happy their daughter is in Playboy. I wouldn’t want my hypothetical daughter in Playboy. Why? So I can go to the office and have my buddy say, “Hey Joe…Cindy Lou there is looking all growed up.” No thanks. Or Deb, talking to Janet at the water cooler. “I’m so proud of Mary Beth, that gonorrhea cleared up so fast!”

#7
Thou shalt not commit adultery.
Do I…do I really need to explain this one? This now, apparently, also includes lust. So, I guess that means every time I masturbate to porn I’m breaking this one. Oh wait, every time I’m masturbating I’m technically breaking a sin right? Isn’t there something that goes along the lines of, “He knowing that the children should not be his, when he went in to his brother's wife, spilled his seed upon the ground, lest children should be born in his brother's name. And therefore the Lord slew him, because he did a detestable thing.” [Gen. 38, 8-10] Ok, wait a minute. So in that time if a man died his brother was supposed to marry the new widow and have his “brothers” babies? So this has nothing to do with masturbation? Whew! Glad I found that one out.

#10
Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's house, thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's wife, nor his manservant, nor his maidservant, nor his ox, nor his ass, nor any thing that is thy neighbour's.
Heh…ass. What? Oh, right. Over the years this too has come to involve a wide variety of things. Basically you shouldn’t want anything that someone else has. So Bill’s iPhone? You better not look at that fucking iPhone and want it. Or the fact that Lilly over there has a 42” flat screen TV? Yep…you better not covet that shit either. So Ashley Blue? Yeah, you better not covet her either. Even though she only takes it up with the ass with other men, she keeps her vagina for the man she’s with. That girl that can deep throat a beer bottle? Do not look twice at her. That dude with the 14” cock…don’t even drool. Not even a little.

So why do I find crosses in porn hilarious? Well, there you go. You can not seriously consider yourself a good Christian if you’re spreading your ass for the camera and letting Cockhammer stick it in there using spit for lube. Can you really think the Lord is on your back while Ramajam is on your back…and Dingading is underneath you? Can you think that God loves you…while the thick gob of 8 men drips all over the cross from the bukkake you just received?

I tried to find it in gay porn…I really did…but you would not believe how many images I had to go through just to find the five you get to look at. No idea. I find this one lesbian shot…which simply just cracks me up.
Leviticus
18:22 Thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind: it is abomination.
20:13 If a man also lie with mankind, as he lieth with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination: they shall surely be put to death; their blood shall be upon them.
There is only one reference to lesbians being bad, apparently, somewhere in Romans I.
So now…be gay and wear a cross in a gay porn? Well…well…well, that’s just fucked up. You done just fucked everything up. Way to go Amber, fucking Kayla like that. You don’t even have a penis.

Remember that thing I said about not liking beastiality? Well that shits in the bible to!
Leviticus
18:23 Neither shalt thou lie with any beast to defile thyself therewith: neither shall any woman stand before a beast to lie down thereto: it is confusion.

What’s the moral of this story? Of this tale I’ve weaved for you?

It’s a damn good fucking thing I’m not Christian. Or any religion for that matter that follows some code of conduct. So you wear your crosses you evil doers of porn! I will continue to laugh…while I masturbate with fervor. Such a good Christian you are.

1 comment:

  1. Hmm, I suspect the dainty little cross necklace has more to do with making the gal seem all the more wholesome/ innocent/ defile-able, rather than reflecting her actual beliefs. But that's just a theory--I probably ought to do more research before I say anything.

    As for the lurking nun? Dude, I have no idea. That's just creepy.

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