Monday, August 30, 2010

#27 The Dark Tower III: The Waste Lands

The third book in the Dark Tower series, The Waste Lands, is a doozy. If you’ve been following along it picks up with Roland, Susannah (Detta, Odetta), and Eddie. It begins by showing us that Roland is teaching Susannah and Eddie to be gunslingers, a task which Susannah seems to love, and Eddie silently hates. From there it picks up quick with the destruction of a giant bear/android. Seriously…I think its described as being 70 feet tall and thousands of years old. After its destruction they find the path of “the beam” and begin the trek to the Dark Tower. Wait, I guess I should explain that Roland is going insane. It seems he fucked up the timeline when he killed that dude at the end of the last book. Jake was never killed…thus he was never there…therefore the Gunslingers mind is being split into two my separate mental realities. Flashback to New York, where Jake is now going insane. Once he missed his death he is now having a mental crisis…because part of him knows he died, and he has flashes to Roland. Now we have the side quest of Jake being brought over to their “world” so both of them can survive. Once they are all together they head out on the quest again. Am I giving away important plot points? Maybe…but King has a habit of kind of writing what you would expect. The shit leading up to it is cool, but you know what’s going to happen. Together they reach a city…where they need to find a train…and there are a bunch of crazy people…I won’t say any more than that.

I would say King was in rare form with this book. His pacing was spotless, the book constantly flowed and there weren’t any real lulls. His points of tension were well done, well done. In particular the crossover of Jake fighting against a man eating house. Seriously, I read that part as fast as my brain allowed, devouring every detail. His descriptions were also fantabulous, “now he allowed himself to actually smell the city, and that odor was not of fabulous spices and savory foods of the sort his mother had sometimes brought home from Zabar’s but rather the stink of a mattress that has caught fire, smoldered awhile, and then been put out with sewer-water.“ For reals…that is lovely. Like most of his books King also has this tendency to bounce back and forth between characters, always when something good is about to happen. This is both frustrating and enticing at the same time. In one moment some crazy shit is happening with Roland, and the next thing you know you’re walking with Jake through the city…then, as shit starts happening to Jake you go back to Roland. At points you wish you could kick King in the face and tell him to quit being a douche. But in several climactic scenes, when the action begins to crossover and intertwine, you could almost kiss him.

There were a couple of other points I liked as well. For example: When I discussed the first book I told you how I imagine Roland as Clint Eastwood, particularly in his spaghetti westerns. “Eastwood was wearing a Mexican serape. A cigar was clamped in his teeth. He had thrown one side of the serape back over his shoulder to free his gun. His eyes were a pale, faded blue. Bombardier’s eyes. It’s not him, Jake thought, but it’s almost him. It’s the eyes, mostly…the eyes are almost the same.“ He also has a point where he kind of discusses Susannah’s fathers perspective of god. The result is entirely Deist. Which I loved to no end…for obvious reasons.

I’ve heard several people mention disappointment in where the series goes from here. I’ve also heard that the next book deals with Roland’s past. This plot point is set up through the entirety of The Waste Lands. I’m a little saddened by this and at the same time happy. I’m sad because the story was starting to lull at the end of the book, yet I want to know what happens. I’m happy because I’m curious to see more about his past life. As I’ve said in past reviews, I really appreciate the little glimpses into Roland’s life. I’m kind of wondering if he can make an entire book last of the Gunslinger in the past.

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

#26 The Dark Tower II: The Drawing Of The Three

At the end of The Gunslinger Roland is ten years older and on the beach, armed with the knowledge that he has a new quest ahead of him on his path to the Dark Tower. At the beginning of The Drawing of the Three he gets mauled by a giant lobster like thing that quickly snatches off two fingers of his right hand and, in general, fucks him up. Water has ruined the majority of his bullets, he has little food, and an infection is quickly consuming him. In other words…Roland is fucked. Then, out of nowhere, a doorway appears on the beach. The doorway leads into more of the world we know. These doorways will appear three times during the course of the book (thus the drawing of the three), always when Roland seems about to be totally fucked for some reason or another.

The doorways themselves are weird. As King writes it, a modern observer would picture it as a movie, filmed through a first person perspective. Indeed stepping through the door Roland is able to enter a persons mind, he also realizes that doing so he can gain control of the person. In another interesting twist he can also bring things back with him, including the person he‘s controlling.

The first doorway is a drug addict, Eddie. The second doorway a black handicapped woman with a split personality, Detta and Odetta. The third doorway a psychopath, Jack Mort.

It seems Roland finds every door right when he needs to. Whether it be because he is dying from an infection and needs medicine, or because the characters are mentally reaching their end. I thought the plot point of Eddie quickly falling in love with Odetta was a little fast. I mean…love at first sight? Cool. Practical? Nope. From talking to other people who have read the series they mention King crossing over into other stories. The only time I really noticed it in this one was the mention of Flagg (who apparently heralded the ending of Roland’s peaceful world), I.e. the Flagg of The Stand. This technique is kind of a King trademark that I’ve mentioned before, he does it in It with the presence of Christine. He also references the children of It in Dreamcatcher. So, nothing new. I personally like these little toss outs. I like that King gives nods to his fans. Most people (who aren’t King nuts) would read the little passing note to Flagg as nothing.

Overall the book bored me in most places. Considering the length of the first doorway with Eddie, I was a bit disappointed at the fast route taken with Detta/Odetta. Then it seemed to drag…I got that Detta was a mean bitch. I didn’t need page after page of her accusing the two men of raping her, attempting to poison her, etc. I mean, if it’s a plot point that will play out in later books I can totally understand, but the fact that this plot point appears to disappear at the end of the book…then my question is why? Also, probably the most interesting story for me to read was the third doorway with Jack Mort. Not only is he the only legitimate psycho of the group, we rarely get any of him. As in any of his story, his personality. The other two, Eddie and Detta/Odetta, we are given back-story, character depth, etc. With Jack, Roland basically takes what he wants from him and then kills him. Nothing more. I was a bit disappointed. It kind of felt like King was rushing at the end, like he was done with this book and ready to move on. In a matter of a few pages he cleans up all the problems, wraps everything up in a tight little bow, and says, “Let’s go!”

Now that these three main characters are established though, I’m looking forward to the next book. Sadly, at the end of this one, it says that the fourth book is mainly a story of what happened to Roland before the quest for the Dark Tower began…in other words…the part I’m most interested in (which we get in the form of small flashbacks)…is going to get an entire book devoted to it. Thus, ruining the books for me in a way. Thanks King, thanks for killing the most interesting thing by blatantly giving it to me.

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

A Question About Pubic Hair

So, in Pajiba Love
today Feist referenced an article from Zelda Lily (
which talks about an article in Cosmo entitled, “Untamed Va-jay-jays: Guess what sexy style is back.” Zelda Lily says, Well, apparently we all should be getting comfortable with hairy va-jay-jays, because Cosmo has declared it to be the “in” sexy style for us ladies down there. and then goes on to discuss Sasha Grey appearing on Entourage with a full bush and the backlash she received for it. So I posted my two cents and got someone to bite. Here’s my thing. I love being down in the nether regions of a girl. I will gladly have my face buried in pussy and ass until my tongue falls off. However, because I like to spend copious amounts of time down there I prefer maintenance. I’m not saying you have to be bald…I’m saying I’d like it to be shaved, or trimmed. Trimmed is nice. Its presentable, neat, well groomed. Bald is nice too…there’s nothing between you and soft delicious skin. For god sakes though…I really don’t want a pillow patch of fir that I can fall asleep on. I don’t want hairs curling, where I don’t want hairs curling. I don’t want to have to bury my nose in pubic hair that retains smells. Yes, to me a full natural bush is disgusting.
*hork* What am I looking at?

Here was my post on Pajiba:

Why I like it shaved or trimmed.
1.) It smells better.
2.) I don't like hair tickling my nose.
3.) I don't like picking out pubic hair from my teeth.
4.) I hate the felling of pubic hair on my tongue.
5.) It makes it even more difficult to find what you're looking for.
6.) Sometimes it tickles.
7.) It covers the pretty.
8.) It bulges in underwear.
9.) Sometimes it can poke you in the eye.
10.) I like to make a mess. Pubic hair mixed with saliva, sweat, and other bodily juices ends up tangled like some 80's punk rejects hair...which is not sexy.

Note: I do the same. Because if I don't want pubic hair in my mouth why would a girl?
Posted by: DeistBrawler at August 18, 2010 3:02 PM
And then…I received the challenge. Keep in mind I also did not change any of the spelling and/or grammar.
please see my responses to DeistBrawler attached below:

1.) It smells better. the question here is what kind of women are you hanging out with if it smells bad
2.) I don't like hair tickling my nose. it's better than stubble scratching your face
3.) I don't like picking out pubic hair from my teeth. just another good excuse to use floss - your dentist will praise you
4.) I hate the felling of pubic hair on my tongue. are you sure you're licking the right area?
5.) It makes it even more difficult to find what you're looking for. sometimes the hunt is half the fun
6.) Sometimes it tickles. and this is a bad thing?
7.) It covers the pretty. you're not down there to study it
8.) It bulges in underwear. and sometimes sticks out from under it. that's hot. remember the cover of the Black Crowes' Amorica
9.) Sometimes it can poke you in the eye. what are you doing down there?!
10.) I like to make a mess. Pubic hair mixed with saliva, sweat, and other bodily juices ends up tangled like some 80's punk rejects hair...which is not sexy. wrong. this is actually when it's the most sexy. as Joan Rivers said, "Is sex dirty? Only when it's done right."

Note: I do the same. Because if I don't want pubic hair in my mouth why would a girl? fess up - you only do this because you think it makes you look bigger.
Posted by: causaubon at August 18, 2010 5:40 PM
Naturally…I had to defend myself. Plus, I really like people who argue like this. Mainly because they use my arguments against me. It was what we were taught to do when I took Debate. You keep your main opponents specific points, and then use them against them. In other words, making their points null and void. He/she didn’t just argue against me, they argued my points. So…I did what anyone else would do, the exact same thing.

1.) The question here is what kind of women are you hanging out with if it smells bad. I don't know...maybe one that likes to work out? Maybe one that has a job where she's constantly on her feet? Maybe one that works, or plays, outside? I don't know...what kind of women do you hang out with?
2.) It's better than stubble scratching your face. If she's shaved...or waxed...why would there be any stubble? If she's trimmed...why would there be any stubble? If you're referring to that brief space of a few days where it's growing out. Damn. Guess I'll get some stubble.
3.) just another good excuse to use floss - your dentist will praise you. That...was a dumb fucking response.
4.) are you sure you're licking the right area? Well fuck're only supposed to lick one spot or area? I'll be damned. Guess I don't have to lick her asshole or perineum anymore. Sorry ma'am...I can only lick in one area.
5.) sometimes the hunt is half the fun What? Is this a game of find the hidden vagina? And you just said I'm only supposed to lick one how am I supposed to find it? Ruffle my fingers through the forest?
6.) and this is a bad thing? Well I personally don't have knismolagnia or Its a bad thing.
7.) you're not down there to study it Well now...that's no fun now is it?
8.) and sometimes sticks out from under it. that's hot. remember the cover of the Black Crowes' Amorica I hate the Black Crowes...and no...I don't find pubic hair sticking out from under someones undewear to be hot. I consider that tacky...and slightly disgusting.
9.) what are you doing down there?! What are YOU doing down there?
10.) I like to make a mess. Pubic hair mixed with saliva, sweat, and other bodily juices ends up tangled like some 80's punk rejects hair...which is not sexy. wrong. this is actually when it's the most sexy. as Joan Rivers said, "Is sex dirty? Only when it's done right." I don't think Joan Rivers meant where the wild things are of pubic just quoted Joan Rivers.

Note: fess up - you only do this because you think it makes you look bigger. Totally. Shaving/trimming does make a guy look bigger. I also do it because I like to be clean, I like not zipping up pubic hair in my zipper...I like not having pubic hair on the toilet seat...I like not having to clean my semen out of it when I masturbate.
Posted by: DeistBrawler at August 18, 2010 6:21 PM

See? Pretty!
There is one thing I’m particular about a woman, and that would be body hair. I kind of broke up with a girl once because she refused to shave her legs during the winter. I told her if she refused to shave her legs, I refused to have sex with her. She didn’t like that very much. Does that make me an asshole? Maybe. I don’t think its too much to ask though. Is it too much to ask?

#25 The Dark Tower I: The Gunslinger

Who? What? Huh? Where am I?

Oh, right, I’m here.

So I just got done reading the first book of the Dark Tower series called The Gunslinger. It wasn’t until I was halfway into it that I realized I’d already read it before. I suppose that says something.

I was weary going into it. I’ve always heard that the Dark Tower series is different from the typical Stephen King. Sadly, I love the typical Stephen King. The Gunslinger wasn’t bad, but I can’t really tell you if I thought it was good.

First of all let me begin by saying that since I opened the book I automatically pictured Clint Eastwood as the main character, Roland. It didn’t matter if the description was off, the personality, or the attitude, I pictured Clint Eastwood. I’m still picturing Clint Eastwood, and that makes me happy. The novel follows Roland, who is the last gunslinger (gunslingers apparently being like Judge Dredd), as he chases the “man in black.” Apparently the man in black is some kind of sorcerer priest or something. Eventually he meets up with a young boy who continues with him on this quest, Jake. It is after this meeting that we really gain insight into the character. We are given descriptions of his past events, what his life was like growing up, how he became a gunslinger. It is also with the introduction of Jake that King begins to mindfuck the shit out of us. I assumed we were in some alternate universe…I couldn’t understand why people lived in castles and acted rather medieval like if they had guns. Not to mention he goes from castles to a town out of the wild west. Then, because of the presence of modern technology decayed and decrepit, I assumed it was something post-apocalyptic. However that didn’t explain the medieval ideas either. It does explain the mutants though. When Jake gets introduced is when I started to get mindfucked. He is apparently pulled from the present time (as he is dying) to the future? So then I started thinking that maybe, just maybe, the world we are in is limbo. But why wouldn’t people remember their past lives like the kid does? Then again, how did he have a mother (Roland that is) if he died and then showed up there? Why does he not understand some of the kids terms…like “subway?” Even if he was in the future wouldn’t they still know history? He knows about dinosaurs but not about TV? How would/could we revert that far back? Where did all this mythical shit come from…like a sorcerer? Right, where was I? Plot? Fuck it.

In other words the book raises entirely too many questions without enough fucking answers. Granted, I know this is/was/always has been intended to be a series but still. Why would you write a novel that left so many things unanswered? In fact, aging your main character by 10 years at the end of the book, like he’s some kind of Rip Van Winkle, just made it worse. I did find that he seemed to paint most of the women in the story as whores though. Why? I don’t know…but his mom appears to cheat on his dad, the lady in the wild west town just wants dick, the crazy lady just wants dick, the daughter of the guy who runs the stables just wants dick, the demon lady in the mountains just wants dick.

The world is rather immersive though. You can feel the pain of the desert as Roland travels through it. You understand the attitude of the people who live alone. You can comprehend the mass hysteria that travels through an entire town. It is easy to grasp the ideals of a lot of the characters, the need to be harsh, to be strict, to be emotionless. Roland is by far the most interesting aspect. A man with no emotion, no passion. He’s calm, cool, and collected as he mows down his opponents while duel wielding pistols.

If they turned this into a movie I’m curious who they would get to play him. No body now quite has the personality to pull off the Clint Eastwood of the spaghetti westerns.

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

#24 Haunted

I was planning on doing a streak of Palahniuk books. After reading Lullaby I read Haunted, and then I was going to read Choke. However, I think I need to step away for a minute…he’s depressing me. After finishing both Lullaby and Haunted (and knowing Fight Club by heart) I’ve decided that Chuck hates humanity. Maybe not so much that he hates it, he loathes it, in particular he hates the vanity that most people have nowadays. This is really evident in Haunted. I don’t know if you can consider the book a novel so much as a collection of short stories, and, to an extent, poetry.

The stories, and central stories themselves, follow a cast of characters: Brandon Whittier, Tess Clark, Saint Gut-Free, Mother Nature, Miss America, Lady Baglady, The Earl of Slander, The Duke of Vandals, Director Denial, Reverend Godless, The Matchmaker, Sister Vigilante, Chef Assassin, Comrade Snarky, Agent Tattletale, The Missing Link, The Countess Foresight, The Baroness Frostbite, Miss Sneezy.

We are introduced to them in the very beginning, as a group of people heading off in the early hours of the morning, to go to a three month long writers retreat. They are told
they will be taken away from the world and will work together to put out the best novel of their lives. The reality is much different. Rather then going to some lush retreat on the beach, in the mountains, in the forest, they are taken to an old theatre and locked inside. Literally. They are imprisoned. They have enough food and supplies to last them their entire stay…but from the
n it gets fucked up. Rather than write, which, I don’t think any of them actually had a desire to do, they begin to act out this brutal fantasy in which one day they will be rescued. The goal is to look the worst, the most tortured, the most in need of rescue. Why? So that when they are, they can get their 15 minutes of fame. Book deals, movie deals, television. So they begin mutilating themselves, sabotaging each other (and themselves). Along the way they each tell a story of their life (the short stories aspect), each story is introduced with a poem.

Now a long, long time ago I reviewed a collection of short stories that a prof of mine wrote called Animal Rights and Pornography, Haunted reminded me of this. I mentioned in my last review that he has a pre-occupation towards sex (in particular perverted sex), and that he has an affinity for the gross. In his afterward he even mentions reading a story from the book at his signings and the amount of people that fainted during each reading. Sometimes I think that is simply his goal…to gross out the reader. In some cases this works, in other cases, its frankly dumb. I can recall one story in particular about a breather doll (used to train on for CPR) that was filled with the semen of several different men. Although that story also had one of my favorite lines, ‘All those women,” the director says, ‘all chanting and protesting against Hustler magazine, saying porno turns a woman into an object…Well,’ she says, ‘what do you think a dildo is? Or donor sperm from some clinic?” Some men may only want pictures of naked women. But some women only want a man’s dick. Or his sperm. Or his money. Both sexes have the same problem with intimacy..

He paints pictures of a world where everyone commits mass suicide (imagine Jonestown on a worldwide scale), where people try to eat a severed penis and choke on the head (no really…that happens), where a persons guts get ripped out of them through their asshole by the suction of a pool. Where we are given (in gory detail) the decomposing body of a teenager, a person liquefied in a hot springs. We are told of a group of people who resort to cannibalism (only to have the victim eat herself You fed me my own ass?), who cut off their own limbs, who create monsters simply because there has to be one.

There are no happy moments in Haunted. There is no protagonist. There is no one to root for. There is no one to sympathize with. I think that’s the problem. Without at least one sane person we can’t become invested in the story. Or maybe its just because I can’t believe that everyone is that fucking insane, that someone out there would be a voice of reason.

As a plus though? The books cover glows in the dark. Freaked me out the first time I noticed it. I was like, “Why is a screaming face glowing at me from across the room?”

Monday, August 9, 2010

The World Is Fucking Nuts

...or maybe its just me.

I should be writing my review of Chuck Palahniuk’s Haunted right now but I’m not. Why not? I don’t know…I’m just not. I got shit to say!

So, along with my road trip that I’m planning for next year, I’m also considering moving when I get off probation. I’m really thinking of going out West…I just haven’t made my mind up as to where. Most people are nudging me towards California. They seem to think I would really like it. I’m also contemplating Colorado and Hawaii, with a little bit of Washington mixed in. I really just think I need to get the fuck out of this state. The more stagnant I become the worse off I appear to be. I’m really thinking of just becoming nomadic for a bit. Moving to a new city every year. Then again I’ve also considered the possibility of, when I’m on my road trip, finding someplace and just settling there. Apparently when my parents were in some small town in Idaho a guy there told him he had done just that. Was being nomadic, just driving, came across the town and had been living there for 9 years. I really don’t see the point of working a shit job in one state, when I can easily find a shit job in every state. Incidentally this new line of thinking was broached by my mother. She was discussing a friend of hers from Texas whose son just got a job in D.C. she actually said to me that she didn’t expect me to still be living here. She had thought I would move. So what say you? Should I go west?

Here’s another reason why I want to move:
I posted this on face book yesterday and then made this comment: “According to Wiki...wonderful I know...but they say the estimates are based on American Community Survey. Atlanta is #12 in the country for gay population. Factor that into the cities actual population and its ranked #3. Factor overall state population and its ranked #8.”

In other words…I’m sick of being in the bible belt. When I told my parents tonight that I’m thinking of moving to California my dads response was, “Why? There’s nothing but a bunch of liberals out there.” Then he looked at my face and went back to dinner.

Up next on the agenda is swinging by KSU to pick up my transcript and then go by Reinhardt to see about getting in. Georgia State basically told me no. It looks like most of the colleges want me to go to a Tech school to get my grades back up before reapplying. In other words I had two classes left and they want me to go to a Tech school for a year before going to their college for another year. Two classes left, a semester, and they want me to spend two more years. I’m not really down with that. But I don’t see the hurt in asking Reinhardt. Who knows, if they let me in and miraculously only require me to take one semester, I can use the road trip as a graduation present. Then I will also have a degree in whatever town I decide to stop in.

I also posted this link yesterday written by one of my favorite local authors, Hollis Gillespie.
If you’re a mother…it will drive you fucking insane.

I get my license back in two weeks from Wednesday. You have no idea how fucking happy this makes me. No idea. I am going to drive until I can’t drive anymore. Then I will hate my 7 hour trip to Orlando…followed by me enjoying my time in Orlando…followed by me hating my 7 hour trip back. But it will be worth it.

I also applied for a credit card today. For those who don’t know, the reason I want a credit card is so I can finish off my tattoos. Wonderful idea right? Here’s what I know…I’m tired of fucking waiting. I want them done. Some people get a flat screen TV with their credit card…I’m getting inked.

What else? Saw some pictures from my ex-girlfriends wedding today. The wedding was yesterday. Yay!! She just got married and I haven’t been on a date since we broke up. Something is seriously fucked up with that. I kind of wanted to punch a baby.

On a brighter note I sort of have two dates planned when I get my license back. Yet another reason why I cannot wait. Not to mention I want to spend more time in Atlanta. I used to hate the city…now I miss it.

I also got a slight crush on a girl. You would know her (most of you anyways) as coveredinbees. I just felt like letting that out there. Why do I keep getting crushes on girls that live across the country from me?

Anything else? No? Fuck…guess I should work on this review.